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Welcome to lesbianland, where femmes don’t seem to be able to keep anyone happy. Straight folks feel tricked by our seemingly secret orientation and gay girls can’t figure out if we’re on the market or not. It’s enough to make a girl shave her head and get a neck tattoo! Here’s what we deal with on a daily basis:

1. Hair Drama 

Because surely our long hair means we like men, right? I mean the quirky side-part has done wonders, but then Katniss Everdeen came along and took it away from us. Now we just look like teenage girls. Thanks *Katniss*

2. Coming Out Every Day 

Thank you, sir. Your inappropriate advances in the coffee shop lines are flattering, but I’m afraid you have slightly too much penis for my liking. Stop looking at my tits.

3. The Phase 

“But surely you’re just going through a phase?” they say again as we die a little inside. Because apparently you need to look like Justin Bieber to like labia.

4. The Invitations 

“Oh, you’re gay? Well, you’ll obviously want to join me and my boyfriend for a threesome”… Or not. Dear Straight People, it is not the lez/bi communities’ responsibility to spice up your failing sex life. No matter how much tequila you buy me. Although do keep buying me the tequila.

5. Bisexual Assumption 

People always assume femme girls are bi because we spend all this time on our hair and make-up. Surely this is to impress men, no? Memo: even straight women are dressing like that to impress each other, not you. Men do not give a shit what “luxe” is and why we’re all “going nautical this spring”.  Now bisexuality rocks, but just because you own a set of rollers and an a-line skirt does not make you bi. No, I am not going to explain the intricacies of my sexuality to you. I have eyeshadow and handbags to buy.

6. You’re Dating Everyone 

Because if you don’t look gay, but you are, then surely everyone else is, too? Suddenly, every friend you have is automatically assumed to be your partner. Your mother won’t stop shooting you knowing glances every time you’re meeting up with your bestie. Which isn’t awkward at all.

7. Invisibility 

Femmes seem to be wearing a cloak of invisibility in gay clubs. Thanks to straight women playing tourists in gay bars (cough, closet case, cough) women tend to be skeptical of anyone in a dress or heels, so we have to wear some sort of quirky hat or studded belt to make it clear, and require an “accessories to make me look gay” drawer.

8. You’re The Girl 

If you’re in a relationship, you are automatically assumed to be taking the female role. Being asked “So what are you making your girlfriend for dinner tonight” is yet another loss for feminist equality. Well done, society. Keep pushing those stereotypes on us, yeah? Oh, hang on. Sorry. Or maybe don’t?

About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta