Many of us will fall in love young, and if we’re lucky, we stay in love. The only problem is, when we're young, we don’t have everything figured out — our sexuality included. I can’t tell you the number of messages I receive from men in their twenties that say, “I’ve been married to my wife for years, and I love her so much. However, I find men attractive, too. And the urge isn't going away. It’s getting stronger.”

I’ll be honest with you — this situation isn't ideal, but it’s also not the end of the world. The thing is, you need to tell your girlfriend. Lying and cheating are never good options. If your attraction to men is persistent and growing stronger, either you’ll be miserable hiding your attractions, or your wife will find out, not on your terms, and it will be a mess.

So here’s what you do if you’re in a committed relationship with a woman, and notice yourself feeling attracted to men.

First: Give it a little bit of time and see if the feelings persist

Sometimes, you get a little crush on someone of the same-sex, and that’s it. It’ll go away, and it will be a one-time thing. While rare, this can happen, and if so, take it for what it is and move on.

Second: If the same-sex attractions persist, pinpoint your ideal situation

In a perfect world, would you be polyamorous? Or maybe in an open relationship? Perhaps, you could just screw a few guys to get it out of your system or simply suppress your desires? What do you think would make you the happiest? How will you explore these same-sex attractions safely and consensually?

Third: Think about how your ideal situation would affect your partner

You know your wife/GF/partner better than anyone. Will she freak out? Does she come from a family of homophobes? Does she suspect you could be bisexual? Do you think she would care about you sleeping with a man or is the larger issue focused on the possibility of you leaving her for a man or being emotionally infidelities with someone of another gender?

Side note: My ex and I were monogamous and both bisexual. Every month, we would check in with one another to see if we had a desire to sleep with someone else of a different gender. While neither of us would be thrilled if we told one another that we have a strong desire to have sex with someone else, we both agreed we’d be open about it. Even though we were monogamous, we weren’t rigid or willing to let our sexual desires get in the way of a healthy and happy relationship.

Fourth: Tell her

Remember coming out as bisexual isn't THAT big of a deal. I mean, it's a big deal, but it's not like you're dying of stage IV cancer. It’s not the end of the world. You still love her. You're not gay, and you still want to be with her. You just realized you have attractions to both men and women. She may panic. She may get upset. Do your best to calm her. Reemphasize how you haven’t done anything and won’t so anything until you both agree on something. Reassure her that you love her very much.

Fifth: Accept the consequences

This may be the end of your relationship. I’m not going to pretend this is going to be a lifetime special, and she’ll open up her arms, you’ll hug her and both cry about how much you love each other. Then she’ll let you go out and blow some dudes. This is real life. You are taking a risk, and in asking her, you may lose her. That sucks. That really, really sucks. However, for you to have a real relationship with her, you must be honest. Otherwise, both you and she will be miserable. Don’t let your relationship with the woman you’ve built you life with turn into a sham.