I am loving this season of American Horror Story but I have to be honest. After last week's assault on what felt like every one of my senses I wasn't sure I was ready for another episode a mere seven days later. Thankfully I was wrong because this was a great hour of television and I feel only mildly traumatized by watching it. With that glowing commendation lets get into talking about “Fearful Pranks Ensue”.
This week's compilation of nasty things we love to watch opens in 1961 New Orleans with an African American teenager going for a pleasant cycle down a suburban street. A truck rides his tail until he is forced into an alley cornered by these upstanding gentlemen in their very fine hats.
We leave the alley for a visit to the most happening voodoo salon in Louisiana (I actually cannot back this claim up, there could be one two blocks over with an infinitely better vibe) where a hairdresser named Cora is explaining that her son has just started at a newly integrated high school. Marie Laveau does not feel like this is a great plan. Cora remains an optimist with Kennedy sure to be a long-serving president and the future looking bright. Her outlook risks alteration after finding said child hanging from a tree.
You lynch one child and some people will just start losing faith in humanity you know? It was actually really horrible and sad but Marie Laveau isn't one to mope. No, she's a woman with a plan and her plans involve snakes and chalk with somewhat alarming regularity. Also bongos! Where exactly does she find these tribal drummers to assist in spells? We have to remember this is before Craigslist people. Drumming aside, the spell results in some pretty feisty zombies with a hankering for racist blood. I'd like to know if this spell raises all the dead nearby or if she can be selective because bravo on the revolutionary soldier buried with his shotgun and the flapper. Laveau understands that great voodoo is about details. After the bloody dismemberment of the hat team that will be missed by nobody it's straight into the opening credits of doom which are so great this season. There is just so much witch dancing there.
Because it's been almost 20 seconds since the last nightmarish image it's now time for the world's worst tea party with Spalding and his dolls. As he considers napkin etiquette he is distracted by shouting from below. We have the immense pleasure of reliving Madison Montgomery's untimely throat-slitting from the butler's point of view. A brief monologue from award-winning-actress Jessica Lange and Spalding is left to clean up. Speaking of which, Madison's shoes made my night. If she doesn't return a hot mess in these sparkly glimpses of a better world I am done.
Fiona heads outside to find the storyline we've all been waiting to get back to: Queenie and the Minotaur (coincidentally also the name of my band). What exactly transpired since we last checked in is unclear but it seems safe to say that Queenie's creative approach to battling the minotaur was unsuccessful. If we learn only one thing from this show, or anywhere, let it be that aggressive masturbation in the face of an ungodly hell-beast is unlikely to save your life. I repeat masturbating at minotaurs is NOT recommended. I cannot be too clear on this point.
After an ominous glance at the minotaur, who is probably feeling pretty weird about how his evening has transpired, Fiona finds Cordelia to work some magic medicine. Unfortunately painting Queenie's neck with one small stroke of something white and goopy is insufficient to keep her breathing and Fiona has to work some reverse succubus magic to resuscitate her. This is basically how this would have played out in a real hospital so I can see why Fiona is reluctant to seek actual medical advice.
The next stop on Fiona's tour of the house is her own room, where Madame LaLaurie is lurking in the wardrobe indulging in a little crisis of faith after Queenie took on the minotaur that had been destined for her.
Next we catch up with modern day Cora getting her hair done for the mayor's ball which is an event I wish we got to attend with her. Madame Laveau seems a little confused about how payment works and slips Cora a handful of bills. This kindly behavior is rewarded immediately by the delivery of her beastly boyfriend's severed head in a comically large box. The head itself looks a little troubled by this turn of events but not enough to ruin his game as he still gets his wink on at the distraught voodoo leader. Mostly I get the feeling this head has SEEN THINGS.
Speaking of things that make us want to tear out not only our own eyeballs but maybe a friend's as well, it's time to catch up with FrankenKyle (or FrankenKyle's monster if we're being accurate) and Zoe. Having killed his mother, Kyle is getting back to some more normal teenage behavior like banging his blood stained head against a bathtub. He informs Zoe that he is in fact not Kyle and she decides to spike his delicious meal of canned tuna with some rat poison. I hate to be super judgmental of everything Zoe does (don't get me started on her leaving Misty Day hanging) but is rat poison really likely to be an effective method of reconstructed dead boyfriend murder? I can't help but wonder if stopping his blood from clotting will bother the guy who has died with every appendage severed, been put back together by a teenage starlet and then resurrected by witches with some pretty questionable skills. Sadly this mystery remains unsolved as when Zoe returns to the bathroom of head banging Kyle has left through the front door and disappeared into the hordes of trick or treaters on the streets. It seems safe to say that Zoe is questioning some of her earlier decisions. If you asked her now whether she'd like to resurrect a boy from parts she might at least have pause.