9 Top Tips for Meeting Your Partner's Family

If you’re intimately involved with someone, the chances are you’re going to end up encountering her family at some point. Even if they are estranged, such situations not uncommonly don’t last forever. All families can be difficult, but there are some common-sense ways to make it easier for everyone.

 

1)Let your partner decide how much involvement you should have. 

Lots of people, particularly queer people, have fraught relationships with their families. If she is hesitant to introduce you because of historical drama of whatever kind, best to respect that. When you do meet, discuss how she wants things to be – whether they’d rather you remained polite and aloof and didn’t really engage or whether they’d really like you to be welcomed to the maternal bosom with open arms. If her folks are trustworthy people with good hearts but the occasional odd idea, or manipulative psychopaths vying with one another to suck the life out of your relationship, your partner is in the best position to know!

 

2)Let her advise you

It’s also worthwhile talking through with your partner subjects to avoid and areas where they might need support, particularly if they have a historically problematic relationship with their family. If a single mention of a particular subject will result in Old Testament-style wrath, it’s worthwhile knowing that in advance. If her mother will respond best to recipe enquiries or discussing books, that’s also useful information. Also, if conflicts arise, let your partner explain how they’d like you to deal with that. Defend them? Ignore the argument? Try and defuse it? Change the subject? Let them tell you! Ultimately, it’s their emotional mess that’ll be raked up, so let them choose how they’d like to approach it. 

 

 

3)Be polite & respectful

Let’s face it, this is a pretty decent basis for any interaction with humans you don’t know very well. But it’s particularly important when meeting partners’ families, whether because they are notoriously abusive towards your partner and you don’t want to give them any further ammunition or they’re genuinely nice people you want to like you, it’s hard to go wrong with being polite and respectful. Time enough to gauge their tolerance for rudeness, swearing etc after you’ve known them a bit!

 

4)Be friendly

Partner's families are like any other human beings. Most of them appreciate being treated like they’re valuable, and even if you secretly think they’re abusive fuckwits, it’s unlikely the interests of harmony or your partner’s wellbeing will be best served by announcing this at the dinner table.  Overfriendly isn’t good either, but act as though you’re interested and looking to like them and the chances are they’ll respond, or at least make their position otherwise clear in a way that makes them look like the assholes.

 

 

5)Be loyal to the one you love

Remember whose side you’re on (or should be on) here. Even if you secretly agree with a criticism the family makes and are convinced they’ll like you more if you say so, that’s such a shitty thing to do to the person you love that it’s completely counterproductive. Don’t ever side with her family against them unless it’s literally a matter of life and death.(And even then you better be REALLY FUCKING SURE). Don’t ever reveal anything that would hurt your partner or harm her in their family’s eyes. If your partner is trans and meeting your family, then it’s your job to explain to your family and shield them from invasive questions and misgendering – and if their family is hostile, then check with them how they would most like you to respond. 

 

6)Expect your partner to be loyal to you

If you’re trans, for example, then having a partner side with a misgendering and unsympathetic family is a massive red flag. Same goes if they’re hostile towards femmes or non-normative gender presentation or college degrees or whatever. Your partner should be on your side and keen for you to build as equable a relationship with their family as possible, not taking the opportunity to knock you where they know you’re vulnerable. If they’re not, it’s a DTMFA offense. 

 

 

8)Treat your partner well

Be nice TO your your love in front of the family. To most of us this is a given – like, we’d be anything other than nice to our partners? IN FRONT OF THEIR PARENTS? – but my research suggest that this is not in fact universal, and if your relationship is bullying or dysfunctional then her parents will notice and worry. Treating your partner like she's worthless in front of them is commonly the last straw. Not that they can necessarily do anything about it – we all know people who’ve stuck around in abusive relationships because they feel they don’t deserve any better, regardless of what friends and family think – but seriously, treating your partner like shit is not an ideal way of getting their folks onside.

 

 

9)Avoid politics, religion, sex and other oft-conflicted topics

After you’ve been together for a while, this gets easier. But certainly, the first time you meet the family it’s a really bad idea to leap off the bat into why Obamacare is a good thing, even if your partner’s parents consider gun control or anti-vax a sensible topic of introductory conversation. If they bring controversial-topic up and you agree with them, feel free to say so, but now is probably not the time for major arguments. Politely demurring is probably the best you’re going to get. 

 

10)Be kind