Celebrity Magazine (we have no idea why they called it that) is a go-to resource for Scientology nuts all over the US. Laura Prepon set our hearts beating as Alex in Orange is the New Black, and in this interview, she does the same - only this time, it's fear and not lust. Before we begin, let us remind ourselves of what Scientology is: a "religion" that holds that we are all immortal but most of us have forgotten our true selves. Confused? So are we. Want to find your true self anyway? Sign here, that's $100 please. For your first 15-minute session. Here are 5 things Laura told Celebrity Magazine that we hope she just said while she plans her escape from Scientology Leah Remini style. 

1. “When you really cognate that you are a thetan and you have a mind and body, and that the MEST universe does not control you - it puts things into perspective."

MEST stands for "Matter, Energy, Space and Time". A "thetan" is your immortal soul. Still following?

2. "So when I first got into Scientology, I did Personal Values and Integrity and then Overcoming Ups and Downs in Life."

Because turning your life's journey into strange sanitized textbook headings is totally healthy.

3. "Pretty soon after that I got onto the Purification Rundown, and I started moving up the Bridge."

What exactly is it that tells us "Purification Rundown" doesn't involve wheatgrass and kiwis?

4. I recently had one of my biggest cognitions in a New Era Dianetics session!"

OMG! Us too. Just joking. What?

5. "The fact that I had no irrational counter-emotion or reaction and just went into solution mode, I feel, is definitely a testament to my auditing."

We definitely know that crying scene in toilet was fake, then. Oh man. We thought you'd changed, Alex....- we mean Laura.

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