Gym locker rooms can feel overwhelming. You’ve just finished working out. Naked bodies of all shapes and sizes are romping around. Some you want to see. Some you don’t. Guys are talking to you or awkwardly avoiding you. A lot is going on.
Here are some of the do's and don'ts of locker room etiquette:
1. Linger naked
Nudity is reserved for moments of putting on and taking off undergarments. There is absolutely no need to saunter across the locker room with everything out. This is why towels exist.
2. Make eye contact while naked
In the seconds you are changing your underwear, do not look me directly in the eyes. I will have trouble keeping eye contact when your schlong is out.
3. Jerk off in the sauna while I’m in it
Why isn’t this one obvious to everyone? I’m right next to you. This is uncomfortable. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Do you want me to join or leave?
4. Take post-workout selfies
You look great. Your pump is on. We get it. You don’t need to show off.
5. Pick a locker next to mine
There are hundreds of vacant lockers. Why did you have to pick the one adjacent to mine? Now we’re both awkwardly sharing this tiny bench.
6. Acknowledge my presence
Nothing over the top. A simple “hey” or nod will suffice.
7. Wear deodorant
The locker room smells bad enough as is. There’s no need to contribute to the stench.
8. Wear footwear
For your sake and mine. No one wants to spread or get athlete’s foot.
9. Use your shirt to wipe off forehead sweat
There is nothing sexier than a guy subtly revealing his six pack while using his shirt to dry off face sweat. Keep doing that.
10. Talk to me if you’re interested
Now don’t be creepy. Just give me some indicator if I’ve caught your eye.