6 Lesbian Relationship Expectations That Are Completely Unrealistic

As a perpetually single bi commitmentphobe, I often look at my coupled up cohorts and try to figure out their secret. Then my friends caught me snooping around and promptly educated me.

My lesbian friends in relationships say being in a relationship isn't all it’s cracked up to be. Here are 6 expectations that are completely unrealistic: 

1. You’ll Glam Up
Expectation: Your new girl's style is awesome. So surely, once you’re together, she'll inspire you to glam up your game. You’re going to be the most glamorous couple you know and it’s going to be amazing. 

Reality: After a few weeks, you discover matching onesies and buy fluffy slippers to spend evenings on the sofa with her bingeing on Netflix. Just as awesome, but a lot less glamorous.

2. You’ll Talk For Hours
Expectation: You know those nights when you just spend hours talking about each others lives, hopes and dreams? Where you fall in love overnight and build a foundation on which to base a lifetime of happiness?

Reality: That doesn’t happen. You’re more likely to sit in bed, in silence, as you catch up with Candy Crush. You tag each other more on Facebook than you talk in real life.

3. Your Friends Will All Get Along
Expectation: Her friends and your friends are awesome, so why wouldn’t they all get along? In no time, you’re expecting group holidays and a wedding where everyone hugs and no one throws shade.

Reality: While it makes sense that lesbians should like other lesbians, this rarely happens. Get a group of girls together and there are bound to be issues. Get a group of girls who like girls together and prepare for carnage. From love triangles to personality clashes, combining friend groups is far from Lez Be Friends. It's chaos.

4. Your House Will Be Your Queer-Friendly Castle
Expectation: When you finally move in together (after 3 months), it’s a relief to know you won’t have to deal with your straight male housemates’ weird taste or behavior. Your new place will be a queer-friendly, cat-covered castle.

Reality: Women have a lot of shit. Combining closets isn’t fun and who gets to decide which one of you throws away their Sarah Walters books so you don’t end up looking like a multi-copy lending library? Before you know it, your house is full of clutter and you can’t put your phone down for fear of never finding it again. Like, ever. 

5. Constant Sex
Expectation: Now that you’re living together you’ll have kitchen sex every day, no?

Reality: Lesbian bed death is a RL phenomenon that plagues many a F2F relationship. Don’t let the passion die.

6. Your Wardrobe Will Double
Expectation: 2 x Women = 2 x Clothes, right? Borrowsies!

Reality: You spend half a fucking hour looking for your favorite cashmere jumper only to find her doing the gardening in it. And now it’s ruined. Deep breaths ... count to ten. Then go stretch out her favorite jeans.

About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta