Straight guys just don’t seem to get it, do they? They hear the word “lesbian” and their egos can’t seem to comprehend the concept. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. I Bet I Could “Turn You”

Yes, you already have! Away from you and quickly in the other direction.

2. Oh! Lucky You! Me & My Girlfriend Have Been Looking For A Third Player (winky face)

Nice try. Keep looking. It is not up to the lesbian community to spice up your sex life.

3. I Think You’ll End Up With A Man

Yes, and I think you’ll end up single and, if you don’t stop being so misogynistic, with a black eye.

4. Can I Watch?

Nope. Your creepy pervy-ness is off-putting as it is, let alone in a bedroom scenario.

5. But How Do You Know If You’ve Never Tried It?

Just like you know you won’t like a dick in your mouth. But hey I’m all up for trying, if you are. You first, eh?

6. So How Come You CHOSE To Be Gay?

Probably using the same process you chose to become an asshole. And I dare you to use the phrase “choose to be gay” on the internet. Preferably via Twitter *grabs popcorn*

7. But You’re Too Pretty To Be A Lesbian

Thanks. Do you have a hot sister who may share that opinion?

8. Why Do You Go For Women That Look Like Men? Why Not Just Date A Man?

Sigh. This one is my favourite. Because nothing is more like kryptonite to a queer girl than a hot/soft butch. Example: Ruby Rose teaching most OITNB viewers of their bisexuality. Butch and Boy are two very different looks.

9. Why Bother Using A Strap On? Why Not The Real Thing?

Because the “real thing” is usually attached to a specimen such as yourself, concerned only with his own satisfaction and probably sweating profusely.

10. Your Parents Must Be Pissed.

Actually, my parents aren’t plagued with the same unforgivable homophobia and prejudices you are. Because some people don’t have the asshole gene.

Let’s face it, the only safe question a straight man can ask a lesbian in a social situation is “Would you like a beer” and then proceed to talk about your mutual fury at Scarlett Johansson having a breast reduction. I mean talk about unnatural… I don’t ever think I’ll forgive her for that.

Something I think we can all agree on.

About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta