Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% in favour of communication during and about all aspects of sex, verbally or otherwise. But there are some places you really, really shouldn’t go, because it makes you an inconsiderate, terrible lover. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?
1.When are you going to start going to the gym again?
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If somebody is letting you get up close and personal with their most vulnerable bits, playing on their insecurities is a real dick move. If you don’t genuinely feel pleased and privileged to be allowed to touch their gorgeousness (not intentionally a euphemism, but hey, run with it) then you shouldn’t be having sex with them in the first place.
2.In fact, anything negative about your partner’s body.
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There are vanishingly few circumstances in which commenting adversely on someone’s body – particularly a lover’s body – doesn’t make you a concerned troll at best and an abusive asshole at worst. However, even if you have genuine medical concerns, it can wait until after you’ve got down and dirty. The one exception is if they really obviously have an STD (and this is by no means always obvious), in which case you might want to gently point out the worrying symptoms and either refrain from sex or use appropriate forms of protection.
3.Anything about your ex.
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Do not under any circumstances bring up your previous partners or their preferences in bed. For lots of couples that’s not hugely comfortable information anyway, but even if you’re usually down with discussing the nitty-gritty of previous girlfriends, in the middle of sex really isn’t the time to do it. Especially if there’s any way it could be construed as inadequacy-provoking (and the chances of that are pretty high.)
4. Anything about their ex.
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Similarly, don’t bring up her previous experiences either. It doesn’t matter whether you’re insecure, curious or just plain being an ass, sex is not the time to deal with any of those issues. And it’s not great for her if she’s in a passionate clinch with you, or just beginning to relax and have fun, and you bring up someone she doesn’t really want to be thinking about and whom she might have upsetting unresolved stuff with. It’s going to kill the mood deader than a very dead thing that’s been dead for a while.
5.If you loved me you’d…
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Never, ever try and emotionally blackmail your partner into trying stuff they’re not comfortable with. If they’re not really into it, don’t do it. (Usual caveat: if they’re asexual, the usual ‘enthusiastic consent’ rules might work differently. Let’s assume for the moment that your partner is sexual and into the idea of having sex with you.) Trying to bully them into stuff they don’t want just makes you a bad person and them better off without you.
6. We need to talk.
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If you need to talk, do the discussing before the clothes come off. It’s not rocket science. And if you drop this particular bomb during sex, you’re likely to stop proccedings entirely, or at the very least ensure you both have a terrible time.
7.I’m breaking up with you.
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We’ve covered this one before. NOT DURING SEX, PEOPLE. Ideally, communicate the major hurtful rejection news before getting naked, but if you don’t manage that at least wait until everyone’s got off (and preferably had a cup of tea).
8.Why don’t you like x? Everyone else does...
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Everyone is different. Just because your previous partners have liked a particular trick is no guarantee your new squeeze will be into it, and that’s as it should be. Treat every new person as an entirely new experience, ask them what they like, pay attention to how they’re responding and touch them accordingly, and everyone’ll have a much better time.
9. Sssshhhhh.
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Okay, sometimes there are neighbors or roommates who really don’t need to hear what’s going on, in which case feel free to either play music or flag this up beforehand and issue gentle, apologetic reminders if things get too noisy and you’re worrying about it. But it’s difficult for a lot of people to relax and enjoy sex anyway, and if you respond to genuine pleasure with silencing or criticism, you make it really difficult for them to trust you or let go.
10. I am so bored with doing such and such...
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If there are things about your sex life that aren’t working for you, make like an adult and discuss it at some point you’re not hurtling towards the bedroom. Bonus points: try and phrase it tactfully, taking some responsibility for the situation. ‘I’ve been thinking and I’d really like to try x and y new thing, how do you feel about that?’ is 1000% better than ‘I’m really bored with sex, why can’t you do x for a change?’ I think the shorthand here is communicate everything, but do so with empathy and respect.
Many thanks once more to the good folk of Facebook for their help with this article, particularly to Toni, Alex and Benny, whose wisdom I have ruthlessly pillaged for material.
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