Sex, right? It’s great and all, but sometimes it just goes wrong. Bodies are awkward, decisions are sometimes bad, and people can be weird or hung-up or just plain awful. Here are a few of the sexual disasters we’ve suffered and hopefully learned from…

 

1)The person who just won’t give up

You’re in bed, you’re doing your thing, they’re doing their thing, and for whatever reason it’s just not working. Maybe they’re not really noticing what’s going on with you, maybe you’re tired and grumpy and not really into it, maybe they’re just inept. You’d really prefer to give up and go to sleep and maybe try again in the morning, but they just won’t stop doing the thing they’re doing. No amount of shifting away, making interrupty, unhappy noises, or quiet ‘I’m sorry, ummm…’ murmurs will stop them until you eventually say NO PLEASE STOP extremely loudly or physically move their hand/face away, at which point they look like a kicked puppy. Sigh.

 

2)Really inappropriate comments during sex 

Inappropriate things can be anything from weird and inexplicable exclamations or discussing their ex or their parents to tactless ‘compliments’ or casual racism. A representative selection from the wide circle of my acquaintance: ‘You’re really attractive for a fat girl!’ ‘I’ve never slept with a POC before, you’re so hot and exotic!’ ‘You’re such a dirty little Jew’ (yes, really, someone said that to me. Still mystified.) ‘Don’t you want to punish me, Daddy?’ ‘Alex never let me do this…’ ‘It’s so weird being with someone else after Piper. She was really rough in bed….’ ‘Come here, Gollum, I want to lick you.’ Sure, if you’ve negotiated dirty talk and are into being called a slut/Daddy/Gollum/my precioussssssss/whatever then more power to you, but otherwise it’s really, REALLY a good idea not to leak your prejudices or more esoteric fantasies over a naked person touching you without prior discussion.

 

3)Nails! Or other physical injury

If you are even THINKING about having the kind of sex where your hands touch someone’s bits, trim your nails. Short. And then buff or file them so the edges are smooth. And even then, consider wearing gloves. Lacerations aren’t sexy, at least not outside the kind of kink that (again) requires prior negotiation. Injuries during sex can range from accidental bruising to, er, breaking your tongue and having to go to hospital to have it sewn back together, not to mention various outdoor/bed malfunction/location-based injuries. We’ve all had a few. 

 

4)Unexpected and undiscussed kink stuff

Don’t get me wrong, I am FINE with kink stuff. Definitely kind of a like-it-rough tie-me-down pervert. But ONLY, repeat ONLY, with prior negotiation and discussion. This does not include (for example) brandishing rope or handcuffs at someone who’s never indicated a desire for restraints; saying mid-vanilla sex ‘you are completely in control of me!’ and expecting the other (submissive) person to come over (hur hur) all toppy and run with it; unexpected age play or power play (punching someone in the face or calling them Daddy/little girl/whatever). You gotta discuss that stuff ahead of time, or else you’ll not only kill the mood but be bordering on abusive. There is no situation in which hitting somebody, choking them or tying them up is okay unless explicitly invited.

 

 

5)The person who tells you your body is wrong

Either directly (‘but everyone likes x, you’re really weird…’), or by (for example) insisting on going down on you even though you’ve told them you don’t like it, or says ‘I’m trying, but you keep moving!’ in an aggrieved manner when you attempt to move them into a place or position that works better for you. Anybody who insists they know better than you how to get you off or turn you on, or reacts with criticism or hostility to being gently told to invited to do something else, can go take a long walk off a short cliff. Unfortunately, so many of us are vulnerable to that sort of shit, particularly if we’re still young and figuring stuff out. It’s bollocks though. You know your body better than anyone else, everyone’s sexual responses are different, and there is no ‘normal’. There’s just ‘considerate and respectful of your partner/s’ or not. 

 

6)Unexpected bodily functions

Bodies, eh? They’re so inconvenient. They’re always bleeding or needing to empty themselves or making noises, even at the most inappropriate moments. If your period starts mid-sex, or you can’t help farting, or you suddenly need to pee, rest assured you are not alone. With any luck, your partner will be nice and respectful about it. (And if not, you might want to rethink fucking them anyway. Nobody needs somebody who expects them not to be human.)

 

 

7)The person who doesn’t notice what’s happening with you

 

8)The person who obsessively pressures you to come

Orgasms are tricky things, and also absolutely not the be-all and end-all of good sex. There’s nothing worse than someone who just carries on and carries on and refuses to accept that sometimes it just doesn’t happen. It’s great that they want you to have a good time and stuff, but bodies are awkward and people are different and sometimes it’s just not going to happen and you’re just uncomfortable. Extra special bonus if they keep asking ‘did you come yet? Did you come?’ like they’re a small child on a car journey going ‘are we nearly there yet?’ 

 

 

9)Awkward pet interventions

Pets are lovely and all, but they do not belong anywhere near sexytimes. Let’s hear it for everyone who’s ever been poked, clawed, walked over, trodden on, squawked/howled/barked/squeaked at, unexpectedly nuzzled in a sensitive area, bitten, pecked, or in one notable case had their feet licked by a dog that had wandered in through the open door. Keep them out of the bedroom, people. Or out of the bathroom/kitchen/living room/car/fire engine/tent/log cabin if that’s how you roll. 

 

10)When everyone’s too tired and nobody wants to be the one to call it off 

It’s late, you’ve been out dancing, you’re achy and exhausted and a bit drunk. Or you’ve just arrived at your long-distance lover’s house and you’re shattered and need a shower. You feel like you ought to have sex, because sex is good and important and you love your partner and everything, but actually you want nothing more than clean sheets and snuggles. But they seem into it, so you do your best, but…. The moral of this story is don’t do it unless you’re really into it, because if your partner feels similarly it’s just shit for both of you, and if they don’t it’s not nice for you or for them. Worst case they find out AFTERWARDS that you really didn’t want to be there. Use your words. They’re helpful!

 

 

11)The person who insists on secrecy

So you’re in bed with someone and they’re really into it and they really want you guys to be thing….but only if you keep it secret from their existing partner/friends/family/workmates/everyone in the universe. Er, no. This is particular common with people who are still figuring their sexuality out, and whilst we’ve all been there to some extent, refusing to acknowledge your relationship with someone in any other sphere of your life is just not a respectful or healthy way to treat someone. Don’t buy it, however hot they are.

 

12)The person so drunk they pass out during sex