If you weren’t excited for last night’s return of The Fosters on ABC Family, then you’ve obviously never heard of The Fosters, and this must be remedied immediately. In just 10 episodes last season, the Jennifer Lopez-produced drama about two lesbian partners raising an interracial family of adopted/foster children and one biological son from a previous marriage managed to hit nearly every possible social and political issue available. So much so that part of the fun of The Fosters is the game of, “What issue will they tackle next?? They’re running out of issues!!” But never fear, avid viewers, there’s never a dull moment at the Adam Fosters’, and, as we find ourselves right where we left off last season, everything’s more OMG than ever.

Before we get started, let’s do a quick pre-recap recap of what you’ll need to remember about last season; 1) Stef and Lena finally had their wedding ceremony. 2) Golden foster bro Brandon and rebel foster sis Callie kissed after weeks of will-they-won’t-they, and Callie’s little brother Jude saw, leading him to accuse Callie of ruining everything for him. 3) Jesus’ girlfriend and Mariana’s best friend Lexi, whose family is undocumented in America, must return to Honduras permanently even though she’s lied to the twins and said it’s just for two weeks. 4) Stef and Lena announced they intend to adopt Callie and Jude. 5) Callie, not wanting to destroy things for Jude after the kiss, packed her bags and hitched a ride with the lusciously-locked Wyatt. And that’s only a fraction of the drama! I didn’t even mention the Plan B and the drugs and the gunshot wound and the epic flashback hairstyles. Looks like you’ll just have to hit up Netflix for another catch-up binge session.

The winter premiere picks up the morning after Stef and Lena’s wedding, as the newlyweds cuddle in bed and discuss the joys of combining their last name while unbeknownst to them there’s a world of distress about to go down.

The family, including Stef’s mom Sharon (Annie Potts) who has stayed for some post-wedding clean up, sits down for one of their signature homemade family breakfasts that only happen in TV shows. They passively wonder where Callie is, but dismiss her absence as being due to a guitar lesson. Privately, Sharon discusses her apprehension about Stef and Lena adopting Jude and Callie, but Stef’s confident this is the right choice. Which it is, but also Stef, it may be important in the future to know what city/state your future child is in.

Speaking of, Callie and Wyatt are in the midst of their road trip, though Wyatt’s not exactly feeling this whole ‘secret run-away fugitive who refuses to give any answers’ thing Callie has going on. When he demands to know why she ran away, Callie grumbles that, “Things just weren’t working out, okay?!” and that she was probably going to get sent to another foster home. Wyatt’s confused, but keeps on truckin’ and the two leave California. Brandon visits Jude to make sure Jude’s “cool” with what happened, but Jude, who lives in a world of angry realism, rails on him about how they can’t be adopted if Brandon and Callie are mackin’ on each other. Jude accuses Brandon of being like Liam (Callie’s former foster brother who also sexually assaulted her), but Brandon insists he isn’t and that he loves Callie.

Jude storms out, right past the guitar that Callie’s apparently playing at the lesson she is not at. Cue the theme song accompanied by comforting images of cozy family life. Oh, how I’ve missed you, images of cereal and colored pencils.

Next, we have a random subplot about Sharon buying Stef and Lena a new, spiffy bed, which I think is probably only here so Sharon can bond with Jude and understand why Stef and Lena want to adopt him. More importantly, Lexi has come over to work on an English project she and Mariana need to get a head start on because of Lexi’s upcoming “two week vacation” to Honduras. Jesus wants to spend time with her, but Mariana lashes out, explaining that while she’s fine with Jesus and Lexi dating, she misses spending time with Lexi. Lexi’s response is basically, “When you fall in love with someone one day you’ll abandon your friends too because that’s life.” Mariana doesn’t love this answer, and this is I think the first time I’ve agreed with Mariana.           

The Adventures of Wyatt and Callie continues at a UFO crash site where they discuss Wyatt’s belief in the supernatural and Callie’s desire to jump five years into the future so she can live alone and not have to deal with CPS and foster families. As for Jude, “He’s better off without me,” Callie tells Wyatt. How quickly a conversation can turn from the existence of aliens to family abandonment. Back to the Adam Fosters’ -- as Jude sits down to play video games he finally notices Callie’s guitar and that she’s probably not at this apparently endless guitar lesson everyone thought she was. Jude then realizes she’s cleaned out her closet and bolted for good. This means an immediate Adams Foster Family meeting, where they frantically discuss how to deal with this. They need to tell her probation officer, which could possibly mean Callie could go back to juvie when found.

At their hotel, Wyatt gets a message from Lena looking for any info on Callie. Wyatt, if you have Callie’s best interest in mind you will call Lena back. Make a choice as good as your hair! Wyatt asks if Callie is going to call her foster parents, but Callie says she can’t because it’ll ruin things for Jude. Wyatt asks what Callie’s plan is for the future, and she tells him she believes she can get a job, a place to live, and her GED. Wyatt asks about the possibility of her finding her dad, but Callie explains her dad, who has been in prison, stopped writing her a long time ago and probably doesn’t want to see her. Wyatt tells her that it’s possible he’s been looking for her all along, and that not everyone abandons her.

After a cozy night of cuddling, Callie discovers that Wyatt did indeed reach out to Stef and Lena, and as they wait for a parking lot intervention with her, she escapes into a sketchy 18-wheeler and drives away.

Mike (Brandon’s dad) tries to take care of the kids, who now believe that Callie has been found and will be returning to the family soon. Brandon asks Mariana if Wyatt and Callie are still a couple, and if that’s why Callie left.

Brandon, how are you missing that, after all Callie told you about relationships with foster siblings, you just might be connected to her disappearance? Callie attempts to get her life together and applies for a job at a diner without an application, ID, or enough knowledge of the area to lie properly about her address. The kindly diner owner suggests Callie go back home, but Callie is not about that advice and leaves. Stef and Lena’s quest to find Callie turns into a fight over Stef’s impulsiveness and the plan/lack of plan they have for retrieving their now very lost foster child. This ends in a heartbreaking admittance that they both believe they were wrong about Callie. NO! It’s all a big misunderstanding!! Fix this immediately!

After Mariana’s English teacher accidentally spills the “Lexi is moving to Honduras permanently” beans, Mariana sets up a romantic date for Jesus and Lexi so that can say goodbye. Mariana: 1, Mariana’s constant selfishness: 0. This might actually be a season where I don’t hate nearly all her choices. Lexi tearfully admits the truth -- that her dad got fired because of his status and the family is tired of being afraid all the time. Jesus promises he’s going to wait for her until she comes back for college. Cue the countdown until that becomes a lie.            

After the family learns that Callie is now out on her own, Brandon finally faces that she was running away from him and not to be with Wyatt. “I completely screwed this up,” Brandon admits as Jude softly weeps, and then Jude admits that Callie probably ran away because he told her she was selfish and ruins everything for him. Brandon insists it isn’t true, though one might argue that is nearly a direct quote from Jude himself last season before Callie ran away...

Callie, who has angstily hopped a midnight bus going anywhere, is kicked off at the end of the line and ends up at a run-down convenience store/young hooker hangout.  She borrows a savvy streetwalker’s phone and calls her father’s prison, only to learn he was released over a year ago. For a second I am 100% sure ABC Family is now going to tackle the issue of teen prostitution, but instead Callie goes into the convenience store. She gets caught trying to steal a sandwich, but when asked to put it back, just keeps stealing and eating stuff around the store. The cashier threatens to call the cops if she takes one bite of a candy bar, and of course Callie takes one bite and watches him bitterly as she chews and he calls the police. This isn’t just isn’t fair, Jennifer Lopez. Everything was going so well! Next week it looks like Juvie Callie will be making reappearance, but Brandon also admits to kissing her, so maybe not all is lost. All better not be lost, dammit. Why is it not Monday every day of the week?