Another freak is taken from us this week on American Horror Story, and even the ones who remain are more miserable than ever. Will the cruel world ever suck less for these poor souls, or are they doomed to be teased, mutilated, and murdered until the end of time/season? It's too early to tell, but here are some lessons we did learn this week!
1. A healthy diet consists exclusively of vitamins and foie gras: This week, Jimmy bravely heads over to Dandy's house to see what's up with the M.I.A. twins. In a very un-Dandy like move, he actually lets Jimmy see them without murdering him. Jimmy's convinced the girls have been enslaved, but Dandy's mom insists it isn't so! They're being kept very comfortable, on a diet of "vitamins and foie gras," because what else could you need in life? In reality, Bette is indeed perfectly content with her murderous Prince Charming, but Dot is still freaked out, especially considering she now knows Dandy's been reading her private journal. She communicates via convenient telepathy to let Bette know that no matter how cute his face is when he isn't shrieking, Dandy is definitely a psychopath who will probably be their ultimate downfall. They come to a mental consensus and decide to leave with Jimmy and return swiftly to the freak show. If you're a fan of the musical Side Show (which opened on Broadway this week and which you should definitely about if you don't), you're probably quietly singing "The Devil You Know" right about now...
2. Everybody gets to sing: We all know how much Elsa loves to cover the hits of today, but this time Jimmy gets a crack at Nirvana's "Come as You Are." Unfortunately for his rockstar dreams, Elsa gives it a solid, "Ish." But on a better note, Dot is able to lie about how they returned from Dandy's house, thus saving Elsa the fear of being revealed as a traitor but also placing her in their debt. As blackmail, Bette demands to have her hair dyed blonde and become a comedian. Dot only asks for 50% of the box office, but later reveals she only wants the money for her surgery. Elsa's on board with this, since if it ends in Bette's demise that mean less people who want to steal the spotlight away from her and her contemporary songbook.
3. Sometimes your parents really don't understand your love life choices: A lot of young people are faced with a problem when their parents don't like who they date. Sometimes it's just a small fight, sometimes it's a blow-out that seems impossible to amend, and sometimes their dads hire their scary tattoo artist friend to mutilate their entire face and fork their tongue. Hopefully this is a rare predicament for most, but for Candy Striper Grace Gummer it's a reality she's failing to come to terms with, although Paul is still willing to hug her while he wails that it's all his fault. In my opinion, this actually wins the 'Most Uncomfortable Moment of the Season' award cause, like, come on. This is just...no, Dad. Why.
4. Don't accept gifts given to you alone in the dark of night by someone you're not too friendly with: This week, Stanley discovers Strong Man Dell in the gay bar and decides to use this as blackmail to get him to kill one of the freaks. First, Dell tries Amazon Eve, but that backfires and ends in a black eye for him. Eve tells the women of the freak show, and while they're immediately ready to attack, Jimmy offers to take care of it for them. However, his attempt to take Dell down ends in their getting drunk together and having some father/son bonding time. But the bond isn't stronger than the threat of blackmail, and in the dark of the night Dell slips into Ma Petite's tent with the gift of a nice new dress. Sadly, it turns out to be the nice new dress that she gets squished to death in that gets displayed at the museum. Stanley finally got his freak and Dell's in the blackmail clear, but we all know nothing's over yet.
5. Gabourey Sidibe is returning with a vengeance: You don't just kill Patti LaBelle and get away with it. As we all know, Maid Dora was Dandy's first kill before he started regularly proclaiming he was born to be a murderer, but her daughter, played by Gabourey Sidibe, who's so far only been featured in one very awkward phone call, is not having the radio silence any longer and arrives to unravel this mystery for herself. She'll probably get killed in the process, but we'll still be rooting for her to put an end to some of this madness. Watch next week's promo right here:
