10 Things You Learn from Kissing Somebody

Kissing is a funny thing. For some people it’s a major romantic or sexual deal, and then there are people like me for whom it’s basically an indicator of emotional intimacy and not necessarily either of those things. I’ve kissed a lot of my friends at some point or another, and relatively few people who aren’t or weren’t to become so. But whatever your perspective, there’s no doubt that kissing somebody gives you a pretty intimate insight into who they are, what your relationship with them is like, what the chemistry between you is like, and what’s going on in your head at the time…

1)      Whether you’re sexually attracted to them 

Sure, lots of people don’t kiss folks they don’t find sexually attractive, and that’s fine (although a depressing number of people, particularly women, get pressured into it). But lots of us have been on dates with perfectly nice people who on paper would be great for us, but we somehow can’t seem to find a spark with. If you kiss them, it’s REALLY REALLY HARD to keep pretending that there’s something there – you’ll know right away if you fancy them or not.

2)      How chemically compatible you are

Some people just taste wrong. They can be perfectly lovely, attractive people, but they just taste wrong, and so there’s no way it’ll ever work out in the long term. I don’t necessarily mean ‘they’ve just been eating a food you can’t stand’, although that’s probably a factor. It’s a biochemical thing to do with immune systems and antibodies and suchlike – we’re attracted to people with different immune systems – although I for one would like to see them repeat those studies with queer participants.

3)      How sexually compatible you are

This isn’t a cert, but it’s a fairly good bet that if you can’t stand the way they kiss you’re probably not going to be up for a whole lot more kissing and then bumping uglies. On the other hand, if you respond instinctively to how the other person moves and kisses, you’re more likely to be able to carry on doing so in sexual situations. There are exceptions to this rule – I’ve had one partner with whom I was extremely kissing-compatible but not really sexually so, and one with whom the reverse was true – but it’s generally a pretty good indicator.

4)      How they feel about you

…or at least the process of kissing you. It’s generally pretty easy to get whether somebody is enthusiastic or not, although I and probably some other people have a pretty tarnished record in terms of feeling pressured into doing things and then using embarrassment or physical awkwardness as a cover for lack of enthusiasm and then sneaking away. (It occurs to me that possibly I should be framing this as ‘ways to tell somebody just isn’t into you even though they might appear to be so’, but that’s probably my chequered past coming to light.) Obviously, if someone is hesitant and pulls away, let them go and wait for them to initiate further contact. Kissing also breaks down a lot of barriers – if someone is harbouring Feelings they are much more likely to say so after you’ve kissed them.

5)      If they’re okay

Hopefully, you’d know this because they tell you. But it’s also possible for someone to be into the idea of kissing but not really noticing you’re there because they have stuff going on and you’re sort of a prop, and that’s only sometimes recognisable and mostly tricky. It’s rarely particularly enjoyable being used to work out somebody’s issues, and hopefully whoever it is will be open about that if it’s going on, but if something seems a little off and you’re not sure why, that might be it.

6)      Personal hygiene and health

It’s gross, but yeah, getting up close and personal with someone is usually a pretty reliable way of telling what their general hygiene and healthcare is like. (Generally not a good idea to kiss anyone you can tell hasn’t cleaned their teeth or washed for a while from far away. Ick). If it’s someone you kiss a lot, you can generally tell if they’re ill or not also – I can always tell whether my partner has a cold because they taste different. Mucus membranes, I guess.

7)      How you feel about them

Sometimes kissing someone not only makes it obvious that you don’t have feelings for someone, but that you do. It can be pretty awkward to realise this when you’re randomly kissing an acquaintance at a party and then suddenly go ‘OMG, FEELS!’. Fortunately I’m the kind of relentlessly self-examinatory person for whom this rarely happens because I overthink everything anyway, but I’ve certainly had nights out with friends that ended in me kissing them and going ‘oh crap’.

8)      Sometimes it’s just not there

Sometimes two people just aren’t very kissing-compatible, whatever other feelings are there. I’ve made out with friends I love that I’m just not very kissing-compatible with – we just can’t seem to get each other’s rhythms – and exes who are on reflection bad people with whom I nevertheless had decent kissing chemistry. Sometimes, for all the goodwill in the world, it’s just not going to happen.

9)      People are different

Everyone kisses differently! Or rather, everyone kisses everyone differently! Sure, early in my kissing career I encountered people who basically kissed like a malfunctioning washing machine, going round and round with their tongue with no reference to anything I was doing, but usually by their late twenties people have a clue. Sometimes it’s this really easy, automatic natural thing, and sometimes you have to wait a while to catch onto the other person’s rhythms, but if you’re actively interested in what your partner wants or is doing you’ll be fine.

10)   Kissing is ace, but only if you want to be there

I love kissing, I could do it all day given a willing partner and a lack of deadlines, but there’s nothing worse than kissing someone you don’t want to or don’t really have feelings for. Kissing people you’re not in some sense attracted to, be that emotionally or physically, is generally a terrible idea, but it’s taken me most of my life to learn not to kiss people just because they really seem to want me to. It’s a bad idea because either they’ll find out you weren’t into it and be justifiably irate, or will be left with the impression you really like kissing them and want to do it again. Bad idea either way.

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