It took a while, but we did it.
It's been 10 years since Orange Is the New Black made its debut on Netflix and became an instant queer sensation. While it certainly took some turns and broke our hearts, more than once, it was also so awesomely steamy.
Over the course of seven excellent, heartbreaking, and romantic seasons the cast of the hit Netflix show got up close and oh-so personal 50 times.
PRIDE first began this journey back when the series was a little more frivolously sexy and a little less viscerally emotional, but even when it took that turn we knew we must stay the course and complete our comprehensive ranking of every sex scene that graced our Netflix accounts over the years.
It's been a wild ride (or, technically, 50 of them...), and while we've seen some love affairs strike gold, mostly this list sends us off with a lot of unfulfilled dreams and broken hearts about what could and should have been. In fact, as someone who sobbed through most of season 7 it was a little difficult to update this piece knowing what we would come to learn.
But hey, let's remember the good times, right? Or, in the case of the first few slides, the times that happened and that hopefully everyone learned and grew from. Please note, clearly, this is an opinion piece, and also there are some spoilers ahead!
Happy 10-year anniversary, Orange Is the New Black. You had 50 sex scenes but, more importantly, you had our hearts.
50. Ep. 1.12 - Daya and Pornstache get caught in the closet
Turn on: Nothing. We're starting this list off with the opposite of a good bang.
Turn off: Everything. It’s a plan to get Pornstache caught and framed for Daya’s pregnancy, so it’s pretty much supposed to be one big turn-off.
49. Ep. 3.10 - Pennsatucky gets "bit or stung or something"
Turn on: Once again, literally nothing. This is a completely un-sexy scene in a series of troubling encounters for poor Pennsatucky.
Turn off: Getting bit or stung by a woodland creature is definitely the wrong kind of penatration.
48. Ep. 7.12 - Caught in the Act
Turn on: Well, it's the last sex scene of the entire series, so I guess if anything does it for you, this was your last chance!
Turn offs: While Aleida's heart has never really been in this relationship, this time she and Hopper got tricked into having sex so Daya could get Hopper fired and corner the drug market. Not exactly the peak of romance. Also, we promise not all of these scenes are related to Daya scheming.
47. Ep. 6.9 - The sensuality of Nutraherbal
Turn ons: It’s very much a sex scene in season six and those were hard to come by, if you will.
Turn offs: I spent much of Aleida's screentime trying to figure out how we’re supposed to feel about her, and in season 6 I came to the conclusion that she may not be a likable character, but she’s incredibly honest and well-acted. Her joylessness radiates through the screen. And at least they didn't get caught this time.
46. Ep. 1.3 - Lonely Larry watches porn
Turn on: Oh, Larry, you weren't missed. Though in the end, you weren't the worst.
Turn off: No one ever started an episode and went, "I sure hope this one has Larry jerking off."
45. Ep. 7.1 - Daya is really on a roll here
Turn on: I mean, at least it's not Larry jerking off?
Turn off: This scene last virtually a half-second, but it counts, so here it is. Also, Daya um...accidentlly killed Daddy shortly after this, so it had some pretty intense repercussions.
44. Ep. 1.1 - Piper and Larry make "Spank Bank Material"
Turn on: Pretty much absolutely nothing. (We promise sexy sex is coming soon)
Turn off: The sex is too sad for even Piper and she leaves quickly to go cry in the bathroom. Granted, she’s also leaving for jail the next day, but we can also blame sex with Larry for this.
43. Ep. 2.9 - Piper and Larry attempt furlough sex
Turn on: Piper’s tragic line delivery of, “Do not defend your boner to me right now” is pretty great.
Turn off: It’s another failed Piper/Larry sex scene. They always end in tears.
42. Ep. 6.9 - Diablo is un unicornio
Turn ons: Diablo ultimately became one of the most likeable partners in the entire show, and as long as this list includes Larry's "me" time, we’re going to celebrate Diablo too. He really came through for Blanca when she needed him.
Turn offs: I mean, it is what it is. But the conclusion of this storyline was quite meaningful so we're going to focus on that.
41. Ep. 7.1 - Aleida's Car Romance Pt. 1
Turn on: Aleida's had a lot of sex she hasn't enjoyed over the past couple seasons, so even though she's cheating on Hopper, at least Cesar's cute and she's down!
Turn offs: A kid catches them. So. That.
40. Ep. 7.5 - Aleida's Car Romance Pt. 2
Turn on: It's not a spectator event this time, so that's nice.
Turn off: We just have better things to get to.
39. Ep. 7.9 - Our Final Fig/Caputo Tryst
Turn On: I had to go back and re-rank some Caputo/Fig sex scenes because they ended up somehow becoming one of the series' most endearing couples, so even though this one isn't much to write home about, they really were made for each other.
Turn off: I validate every single person who never warmed up to this couple and their myriad bumps (and, er, humps) in the road.
38. Ep. 7.7 - Piper just really loves Alex, okay?
Turn ons: Alex wanted Piper to try an open relationship, and Gabriella is super cute! Unfortunately for her, Piper isn't exactly on the same page.
Turn offs: Don't worry, Piper will tell you herself over the course of the season.
37. Ep. 3.11 - Caputo is "the man"
Turn on: Before this show decided Caputo was a genuine love interest, we were pretty icked out by these encounters.
Turn off: If you're not turned on by Caputo, this is going to do the exact opposite. If you are, you've had a great run.
36. Ep. 4.5 - Caputo shows off his "Karate Kid Moves"
Turn on: Once again, if you're team Caputo, you've had the time of your life. And this moment became particularly important later.
Turn off: Caputo may have had an endearing redemption arc, but maybe Litchfield would have been better off in the first place if he'd kept his pants on.
35. Ep. 6.2 - Cindy's got a secret
Turn ons: Tova (formerly Black Cindy), provided easily one of season 6's most compelling plot lines, so it was good to get to know her a better through the exposition this scene delivered.
Turn offs: They literally spent the entire moment delivering exposition. Cindy and her jock FWB hinted at Cindy’s pregnancy (she’s a mom whose child thinks she’s a sister) and told us that bluntly this guy had a different girlfriend. If you love sex scenes filled with talking and subtle heartbreak, this one’s for you.
34. Ep. 2.13 - Fig takes Caputo very seriously
Turn on: It is a bit entertaining when Fig takes Caputo’s angry offer to “Suck my dick!!” literally and is then surprised by his impressive package. A comedy moment earns some kudos.
Turn off: As ceaselessly mentioned, unless Caputo porn is your cup of tea, nothing about this scene is a turn on. But we are still smirking about it.
33. Ep. 4.3 - Morello and Muccio talk it out
Turn on: Not our thing, but hey, we commend their borderline magical skills when it comes to graphic language.
Turn off: They are literally in public surrounded by children and families. We get there's no real good time for these two, but this was definitely not it.
32. Ep. 4.9 - Blanca and Diablo are the evening's entertainment
Turn on: If you like traumatizing old ladies, then here ya go.
Turn off: Before Diablo and Blanca became one of the cutest couples on this show, this was certainly one of the most bizarre sex scenes OITNB has to offer, and that smile Blanca gives her charge while banging the hell out of Diablo is chilling in not the sexy way.
31. Ep. 4.10 - Maureen "gets even" with Suzanne
Turn on: It almost went so well.
Turn off: It didn't. Maureen ended up stopping before Suzanne could finish as revenge for Suzanne abandoning her in the woods. Of course, this was ultimately just a small hiccup in this rollercoaster of a relationship.
30. Ep. 7.6 - CapFigo are at it again
Turn on: Once again, this is ranked a bit higher than it could be more for the character development of it all, and the tender, communicative nature of this relationship as it blossomed in season 7. Their rapport as a team really did get me.
Turn off: As always, if this ain't it for you, it ain't it!
29. Ep. 7.6 - Maria takes a work break
Turn on: Once again, this entry is more about Jessica Pimentel's lovely work in season 7 and less about the coitus. This scene was technically very integral to an arc that ended quite beautifully.
Turn offs: She was cheating, he ended up convincing her to do illegal stuff, she wound up in prison...you get it.
28. Ep. 1.4 - Big Boo and the missing screwdriver
Turn on: It’s nothing if not realistic. And creative, too.
Turn off: This just might not be everyone's fave fantasy.
27. Ep. 2.3 - Pennsatucky sets her cell phone to "Vibrate
Turn on: Um...if you wanted to watch Pennsatucky climax maybe this really went well for you?
Turn off: Maybe the same thing as the turn on? Also, she's putting on a show for "Donuts", with whom she had a wildly disturbing relationship in Season 3. Things shifted in previous seasons and our feelings on it are still being processed.
26. Ep. 7.1 - Aleida gets a moment alone
Turn on: Aleida may not be pleasure cruise of a soul, but it was nice to see her have maybe her only moment of true happiness as a character.
Turn off: If you're pulling for Aleida this is really a good moment for you. No notes.
25. Ep. 7.6/7 - Piper gets a moment not-quite so alone
Turn on: After trying to take Alex's advice and be open, Piper realizes she really just loves thinking about her dear prison wife alone in her bedroom.
Turn off: The actual reason this double beat is ranked so high is that it really gives a Tracee Chimo Pallero many more moments to shine, and that's the dream. As Piper's very turned off sister-in-law with very thin walls, Neri insists Piper get out of the house and that they spend more quality time together, leading to some extreme shenanigans.
24. Ep. 6.9 - Blanca and Nicky try for a baby
Turn ons: Oh, this scene wasn’t sexy, but it was delightful to watch Nicky try to inseminate Blanca using her former cow pregnancy skills.
Turn offs: Nicky so desperately wanted action and still didn't get any between a woman’s legs.
23. Ep. 2.6 - Daya and Bennett get sexy on Valentine’s Day
Turn on: It’s a pretty standard sex scene. Short and sweet and sexual.
Turn off: Lots of people just didn't really care about Daya and Bennett. Also, everything that went down with Pornstache to keep this relationship alive made this moment disturbingly risky.
22. Ep. 2.3 - Nichols and whoever this is, part 1
Turn on: If seeing only the bottom half of people is your thing, you’re in for a treat.
Turn off: We really don’t see much, or even know who’s the other involved party. Also, Big Boo trying to instruct Nichols on her technique isn’t super sensual.
21. Ep. 6.2 - Caputo for the thousands time
Turn on: We have absolutely covered all things CapFigo at this point.
Turn off: There should never have been two seasons of OITNB where Caputo was one of the central love interests. That just shouldn’t have been a thing.
20. Ep. 4.11 - The threesome we never knew our eyes would see
Turn on: This scene was so memorable it came back for a season 7 reference, so there's that. And let's be honest, who wasn't holding out for some Yoga Jones action?
Turn off: Those molly-tastic makeouts are a little slobbery. And no offense to Luschek, but once he's out of the picture we're a lot more on board.
19. Ep. 1.6 - Daya gets to know "all of" Bennett
Turn on: Daya’s very tender and loving about Bennett’s prosthetic; these two’s crushes on eachother had been pretty adorable at this point.
Turn off: This relationship was super illegal. Daya is nothing if not always living on the edge.
18. Ep. 3.10 - Pennsatucky experiences a moment of happiness
Turn on: This was one of the very rare moments where things go nicely for Pennsatucky, and we really appreciate that.
Turn offs: This charming man left town and what followed was devastating. And continued to be devastating. We'll appreciate this moment while we had it.
17. Ep. 1.13 - Nichols gives Alex her Christmas Present
Turn on: It’s tender and adorable, and also a cute pairing we hadn’t seen before. Plus, Nichols trying to be discreet with her posterboard is precious.
Turn off: We see far too little.
16. Ep. 6.9 - Daya and Daddy’s will they/won’t they
Turn ons: This was the only remotely sexy scene in season six, and that’s barely saying anything.
Turn offs: Let’s just not get into anything since this is a sex scene ranking and not a think piece on how messily OITNB handled Daddy’s gender identity. Also, as we know, this ultimately ended badly.
15. Ep. 5.7 - Big Boo and Linda make things official
Turn on: It's Season 5's only sex scene (with two people). Sure, we come close to seeing more than heavy petting with Vauseman, Nichols and Morello, Nichols and some other girl, and hell, even Caputo and Fig, but world - this is what we get. So if you were waiting for sex scenes in Season 5 (perhaps to rank them for this article) this is what you were given to work with. And no, we're not including Leanne and the (literal) fingerbang, are you kidding? Hell no.
Turn off: We knew these crazy kids would never last. Also, Season 5 was dealing with too much to have a hard focus on sex, and that makes sense. Throwing in one flashback to the good ol' days of constant coitus felt a little out of place this time.
14. Ep. 3.3 - Piper and Alex's hate sex marathon
Turn on: This historically troubled twosome had agreed that the shit talking was working for their sex life, and we didn't entirely disagree in this case.
Turn off: They do get a little verbally disturbing, but it is all consensual.
13. Ep. 3.4 - Big Boo, stap-ons, and cuteness
Turn on: Strap-on action! This is OITNB's only strap-on experience, and it's great.
Turn off: It ends in a bummer of a fight. Boo. Also, we miss Big Boo in general.
12. Ep. 7.7 - Shani and Nicky find a connection
Turn on: Ugh, what a storyline. What a couple. If this didn't break your heart, you're not someone who should have continued watching this show for seven seasons.
Turn off: They should have been together forever and that's an entire article unto itself.
11. Ep. 4.4 - Poussey and Soso lose control
Turn on: These two were always maybe the show's most precious pair, and Poussey is a badass lover. We'll take all of it.
Turn off: It's pretty chill compared to some OITNB scenes, but there's nothing wrong with that.
10. Ep. 1.1 - Nichols gets intimate with Morello in the Shower
Turn on: Their lack of care for whose watching; Morello totally looks like she’s having a great time; at this point they were Litchfield's most aww-worthy couple in the show.
Turn off: There’s something to be said for privacy.
9. Ep. 1.5 - Nichols and Morello get it on the chapel
Turn on: There’s some lovely stained glass window lighting going on; yet another intensely realistic sex scene between these two.
Turn off: Morello shuts the relationship down right after she orgasms. Also, Morello makes sounds akin to a wind-up toy getting murdered, but all is forgiven in a holy place.
8. Ep. 1.1 - Alex asks Piper to 'come' with her to Bali
Turn on: Piper’s sexy if slightly awkward striptease leads to the first official Alex/Piper hook-up we’d been waiting for since we saw them making out in the shower. It did not disappoint.
Turn off: Technically this is the start of the rendezvous that got Piper into seven seasons worth of trouble.
7. Ep. 2.3 - Nichols and whoever this is Pt. 2
Turn On: Nichols hooks up with many characters on this show in many graphic fashions, but no one seems to be getting the best end of this deal more than this girl, who's having such a great time that quieting down is basically not an option.
Turn off: We can't really find any, but we're sure the girl brushing her teeth in the same restroom begs to differ.
6. Ep 2.4 - Nichols and Soso visit the chapel
Turn on: Those chapel sex scenes are just really raising the bar here! Super naked, super sweaty chapel rendezvous that’s also pretty graphic? Yeah, we’re cool with it. Also, we finally see Nichols get some herself.
Turn off: Soso literally will not stop talking. That is, until Nichols gives her a little incentive (see "turn ons").
5. Ep. 2.10 - Piper asks Alex to teach her how to go down on a girl
Turn on: It’s pretty much perfect from the moment the episode starts with the sound of Piper orgasming right up until...
Turn off: Piper gets punched in the face by Alex’s current girlfriend, who lives in the apartment. Whoops.
4. Ep. 4.12 - Alex and Piper finally consummate season 4
Turn on: Vauseman worked it out! It took all season! They're tender and loving and adorable and it's great!
Turn offs: They're heavily interrupted by Angie and Leanne. But the sheer joy of seeing these two together after 12 episodes of "they probably won't, right?" is worth a #4 slot.
3. Ep. 4.6 - Poussey and Soso continue their reign as cutest couple
Turn on: This is a sexy, cute, and a monumentally adorable moment for Team Poussoso.
Turn off: Soso struggles with reciprocating, so some points get lost there. But hey, it's all a learning experience.
2. Ep. 3.2 - Piper and Alex find the bright side to bed bugs
Turn on: In the context of the show, this is pretty much just one glorious frame after another. The hair pulling, the camera angles, the trash bag - this scene gave us its all and we love every second.
Turn off: It's a little rough, and we totally get that's not for everyone. But for these two characters, this was easily one of their most memorable moments.
1. Ep. 2.6 - Poussey and her German GF fail perfectly at scissoring
Turn on: Nearly everything. After the scissoring fails (though completely adorably) Poussey shares some wise words of passionate love before trying something much more successful on her giggling and super lucky girlfriend. Never has a scene been so sexy AND precious.
Turn off: They’re interrupted by Poussey’s girlfriend’s dad and everything is ruined. And later on, literally everything is ruined. But this moment will now forever reign as OITNB's #1 sex scene, and as one of the overall most memorable from this fan-favorite character.
Studio Deen: Bandai Namco / MOGUMO; 
