Media Blender: P!nk, Rosie O'Donnell

Break out the Tofurky and Bloody Mary’s and flop down on the couch in your fleecy bathrobe for the Macy’s Day Mess -- or Parade as some folks prefer to call it.

Peer through your fingers in horror as half-nude, shivering majorette after cheerleader after majorette drops her finger-numbing baton on hapless parade-goers. Run screaming in terror as Underdog breaks free from his reins and threatens to lift his leg over the city. Shriek in disgust as Josh Groban, Charlotte Church, David Archuleta, or some other squeaky-clean scrubbed vocalist delivers ear-piercing notes from the back of a paper mache Winter Wonderland themed float surrounded by homosexuals on parade -- or as some people call them -- equity dancers.

Speaking of epic messes not to be missed, for a little Macy’s Day warm-up, tune into big-hearted button-pusher and proudly out lez Big Rosie O’Donnell’s Rosie Live, her paean to that staple of ‘70s-era television, The Variety Show. Think Donny and Marie meets Sonny and Cher and a full-grown belligerent and very gay Chastity. Oh and they all drop E.

Here’s the line-up for Big Rosie O’s return to live television, according to the NBC website. Among the luminaries joining Rosie are Alec Baldwin, Alanis Morrissette, Jane Krakowski, Ne-Yo, Liza Minnelli, Rachael Ray, Harry Connick Jr., Clay Aiken, Gloria Estefan, and Kathy Griffin.

And if that’s not enough of a zoo, “Rosie will introduce America to amazing new performers like the tap-dancing Lombard Twins and the unique speciality performers of Anti-Gravity," according to NBC.

This is a camp extravaganza the likes of which haven’t been seen since the year Starlight Express was performed at the Tony’s. Good Lord. All she’s really missing is a dancing bear and an oil wrestling match. Although, my money’s on Rosie if she and Alec dive into a vat of oil and start tossing each other around.

But good on Ro, doing what she does best -- besides generally pissing people off that is -- and being the ultimate fan who gave Broadway a much-needed shot in the arm during the run of her talk show and on The View.

Since I’ve broached the subject of The View, leave it to Ro to amp up the PR right before her special. Big Gay Rosie and her former on-air pal and boss Barbara Walters have been trading verbal jabs via various media outlets. A reporter asked Big Rosie O about The View -- you know, because that’s never been done before – and Ro said that Babara Walters continually pushed for the collectively peri-menopausal girl gang to feign friendship on and off the air, and that lil admission stuck in Babs’ craw.

So, being of sound mind and journalistic integrity, Babs shot back at Ro on air saying that when some co-hosts leave -- cough, are pushed, choke, out of gag -- The View, they feel the need "to dump on it, maybe for their own publicity." "That not only hurts me, but I resent it,” Babs confided to her closest on-air friends and to millions of housewives and gay men who were watching. Below is Rosie’s private video response, a comic minute so streamlined and brilliant, I will not attempt to encapsulate it.

Forget Christina Aguilera’s seven-minute tribute to -- who else -- Christina Aguilera -- or Rihanna’s Ziggy Stardust meets Grace Jones meets Captain Jack Sparrow number at the American Music Awards. To borrow a phrase, not coined, but wildly popularized by DListed's Michael K., my little gayelle heart nearly combusted when bangin' P!nk joined Sarah McLachlan at the piano for a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and a Joni Mitchell retrospective followed by a piano bench thigh grab and make-out session. Okay, so they dueted on Sarah’s “Angel” together -- and Sarah really should write some new material -- but still, my lil' lesbian heart and loins nearly burst over the pure, unfettered and beautiful dykiness of the moment.

And of course a tip of the old drag bowler goes to Queen Annie Lennox, who commands standing O’s whenever she performs. A smitten Justin Timberlake -- the obvious choice to present a lifetime achievement-ish award to and ’80’s era- andro button pusher and one of the greatest voices in pop music of the last 30 years -- gave Annie the AMA’s Merit Award. The diva, who recently underwent spinal surgery that was supposed to lay her up for a full six months, accepted the award with the poise and grace for which she’s known, offering up half of the credit to her Eurythmics’ partner Dave Stewart.

Before abandoning P!nk altogether, I arrived at work this morning to begin my daily ritual, combing the internet for shit to write about. You know... a little bit of Perez here, a dash of DListed there, a sprinkle of AfterEllenhere… and before I knew it, I was enrapt in full-on P!nk on P!nk -- insert double entendre here -- and wishing my office had darker shades, or even a door for that matter.

More on next page...

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Anyway, Perez kicked off the day posting P!nk’s latest vid for "Sober," a mini cinematic romp replete with lingerie clad -- forget about same-sex -- steamy self-sex. Thanks to the miracle of modern cinema and CGI P!nk effectively bones P!nk in her new video. I haven’t made out with myself in the mirror since I was about 11, but I’m fairly certain it was never that satisfying.

Praise the Showtime Gods and Ilene Chaiken for the months’ long L Word Season 6 foreplay currently getting a roll-out. Hold on to your chakrams and breast plates ladies because, judging from this trailer -- which is giving me metaphorical L Word blue balls -- Lucy Lawless turns up in the first two minutes of the season premier sporting a badge, a gun and cuffs.

Sadly, it’s not fetish gear she’s sporting for a rendezvous with former Big House Babe, Rachel Shelley’s Helena, but Lucy’s on the scene to investigate a murder at house with seven ladies inside -- and I don’t think it’s Chaiken and her writing staff. Although, if Chaiken and Co. kills off the wrong Lesbo like they did Dana three years ago, they could well face a Night of the Living Dead contingent of hurt, betrayed, glassy-eyed dykes. I’m just saying…

The Lush, the Lez, the part-time bi, Lindsay Lohan is a heartless, wooden bitch. Well, so she’s plastic and not wooden but really, Mattel’s Lindsay Lohan doll has been slashed 80 percent due to sagging sales. My Scene Goes Hollywood: Lindsay Lohan, by Mattel, originally $24.99, is a bargain at $4.99. Here’s the description, which is too rich to omit:

“Lights… camera… fashion! The My Scene girls have hit the big time with their new movie, My Scene Goes Hollywood. Making a movie is exciting, but so is meeting their idol, teen queen Lindsay Lohan! It's the night of the movie's premiere, so Lindsay and the My Scene girls are headed down the red carpet in trendy new outfits and stylish coats with faux-fur trim. Lindsay comes with lots of movie-themed accessories, including a director's chair and a second outfit. Lindsay measures 12" tall.”

I’ll leave the faux-fur reference alone but for the girl who wants it all, the Lez Lush Lo Doll's Ultimate Accessories Kit includes a fifth of Grey Goose,  a prescription Ambien bottle, a carton of cigarettes, a case of Red Bull, an Amphetamine-laced asthma inhaler, tacky leggings, her very own pocket lesbian, a banged up Benz and the Sunset Blvd. fence she hit, a signed poster from I Know Who Killed Me and an Ashley Olsen voodoo doll. And I want one!

Miss the last "Media Blender"? Read it here.