Online Dating Faux Pas Toward Trans People

Oi! Being trans and dating can be a really daunting feat.

So, help us out if you are online and see a trans person that you're intersted here are a few things NOT to say to a trans person when you contact them. 

Are you transgendered?

Using the word “transgendered” is in itself a faux pas. For trans folks, it is a red flag that you don’t know anything about us. The best word to use is “transgender” or simply “trans.”  

You’re so brave.

This is a very well-intentioned thing to tell someone. It’s not super sexy or romantic, though. It’s kind of disheartening to be told how brave you are just for being yourself. The compliment needs an appropriate level of honesty and some basis for it to be accepted as genuine. Secondly, you’re on a dating site, where we’re all brave. It’s scary on there. 

Wow! You look like a real [insert gender].

People might believe they’re being helpful or supportive, and are demonstrating acceptance when they say things like “You look just like a man/woman to me” and “I never would have guessed.” This isn’t necessary. When you say this we’re just like, “Yeah, you do see me as a man because I am one.”

Any variation on “you pass” is a personal remark about someone’s body. And unless you are asked, it’s rude to offer your opinions.

What type of genitalia do you have?

This is another red flag. You should ask personal questions only if you know the person well. Many people ask trans folks innappropriate questions, like “What’s between your legs?” 

Other gems that follow that query are:

• “How do you like to have sex?”
• “What's your real name?”

Why are you basing your dates on the type of genitalia the person possesses? This is a question you should ask only if your relationship develops in a sexual direction. Ya know, maybe after a date or at least a face-to-face conversation.

Hey! Can I ask you a question?

Socially, most of us understand that it’s rude for a white person to grab the hair of a person of color just because the texture differs. Many of us live by some basic rules on how we treat one another, in recognition of body sovereignty, not just regarding other racial groups, but everyone.

We’re taught at an early age to not cross people’s boundaries. Just because you see online that someone is trans doesn’t mean you get to turn the conversation into a free Trans 101. The person is just trying to get a date and enjoy life. Google is very accessible from the computer or smartphone you’re staring at while on the dating site.