Long long ago, some wise dudes with beards peered out of their caves and worked out the key to all the twists and turns of fate that would ever happen in the universe, using just those twinkly things in the sky. So they did. And to this day, star signs and horoscopes are totally and utterly the best way of finding out if you're compatible with that hot co-worker, if you're about to land that dream job or if you are on-track to break your leg.

OK, they're probably not, but we thought we'd have a little fun with this schizz anyhow... We take no responsibility for anything that happens if you take these special SheWired astrological analyses seriously.

1. Aries

Aries ladies are fiery, impatient grumpy-grumps. She won't listen to a word you say and she'll lose her temper over everything. On the plus side? As party girls they're easy to blind with alcohol or, you know, whatever else is hanging around if you want to get in their pants.

2. Taurus

Selfish, stubborn and irrational, Taurus women will listen to your problems intently - but only so they can gossip about you later. Trust me, I'm dating one and they're full of bull. On the plus side? They're good to take shopping as you won't get ripped off.

3. Gemini

Unpredicability is the keyword with this confusing and restless sign. If you're expecting her to pick a movie tonight, I'd settle in for a long wait. Probably one of those bisexuals (I'm bi and this is sarcasm). On the plus side? You'll never be bored, even when you might rather wish you were.

4. Cancer

These ones are homegirls. You wanna be out tearing up the town? You're on your own, pal. She'll be at home watching her lovely new magnolia walls drying. Feel like dumping her? Good luck. She ain't one to let go easily. On the plus side? She also likes her own company, so that unwanted relationship will be spread thin.

5. Leo

Leos love the sound of their own voice, which is a shame because a lot of the time other people don't. Leos think of themselves as great leaders and orators, even when there's every possibility they're talking a big steaming pile of shit. On the plus side? They will choose the takeaway for you when you just can't make your mind up.

6. Virgo

Virgos are perfectionist and sticklers for order, so if you split the bill wrong don't count on getting laid tonight. On the plus side? She's a virgin, so if you do get laid you won't catch anything nasty. At least that's how we understood it.

7. Libra

Obsessed with harmony and beauty in their surroundings. This might sound good until they're getting you up at 8am on a Sunday to look at velvet tasseled sofas, which you then have to help them Feng Shui perfectly for the rest of the day. On the plus side? You get a nice sofa.

8. Scorpio

This sign is argumentative, often incoherently so. Often to be heard insisting Justin Bieber has talent and the world is flat. Highly manipulative and sometimes secretive. On the plus side? They're dirty as hell in the sack.

9. Sagittarius

The philosopher amongst the star signs. The bar bore, in other words. Like Scorpios, not keen on being told they're wrong. On the plus side? They're crap at relationships so now you see them, now you don't.

10. Capricorn

Let me tell you, as a Capricorn myself, we are D-U-L-L. Possibly the most pessimistic sign of the zodiac, we are also the most career-driven. On the plus side? This means that if we say we're "working late", we probably are just working late, actually.

11. Aquarius

Aquarians are probably one of the craziest signs of the zodiac. They're the ones who will be writing you terrible insane poetry instead of going to work. On the plus side? They make you feel super efficient and functional in comparison. Just don't allow them to start trying to get you to let your hair down...

12. Pisces

Thse girls are a bit wimpy, frankly. Don't shout "boo" at them, ever ever. Also prone to bunions, forgetfulness and staying awake all night binging on Netflix. On the plus side? They don't say much.

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