How to kiss: 5 tips on locking lips

This story originally appeared on Them.

Everybody yearns for a little gay kiss — but what if you’ve never locked lips with anyone before?

Learning how to kiss, much like painting, sculpting, or dance, is an art that requires a lot of care and practice. If you’ve never done it before, or just don’t feel like you have the technique down, it can especially feel like an uphill battle. Not to mention, getting it right doesn’t always happen on the first try – and that’s OK!

What’s important to keep in mind when you’re first learning how to exchange saliva is that everyone has different preferences for what they consider a “good” kiss. In fact, there isn’t really a definitively bad way to kiss — it’s just all about if you and your dance partner are comparable and can make adjustments to better suit each other’s kissing style. Feeling it out, being able to read the body language of the person you’re smooching, and just adjusting with the flow of things all go a long way in learning how to kiss “well.”

That being said, it can still feel overwhelming to go in without some pointers if you’re just starting out, much like anything from learning how to flirt or how to finger. After all, popular depictions of kissing — good or bad — all depict so many variables that can go wrong: how much tongue is too much tongue? What is a French kiss? Is biting ok? What if you’re grossed out by spit? God forbid, what if your teeth knock together? And, if you’re a Love Island stan, what the hell is turtle tongue and how can you avoid it?

All of these questions can be especially overwhelming for young queer people, who don’t even have nominal sex education classes and heteronormative scripts to fall back on. Who is supposed to make the first move? How does one assess if it’s the right time to lean in? Queer teen media like Heartstopper and Sex Education might make it look easy, but these first-time experiences can be awkward and feel embarrassing!

Below, we answer all of your burning questions about kissing.

How do I initiate a kiss?

A lot of the anxiety that comes with kissing for the first time boils down to the lead up. It can be hard to gauge whether your partner is ready for a kiss if you’re already nervous, so slow things down. Are they making eye contact? Are they pausing to let the moment build? Do they look like they’re leaning in for a kiss? All of these microcues can help you judge if it’s time for you to lean in, too. But rather than jumping straight into the kiss, let yourself lean towards your partner, tilt your head to either side, and send some cues back. Then, you can meet in the middle.

If you’re having trouble picking up on the vibe and can’t tell if the person sitting across from you wants to kiss, just ask. It’s totally valid to have trouble reading social cues in general. That’s why it’s great to communicate if you aren’t sure, especially because consent is key to any romantic interaction. Establishing healthy communication around boundaries from the first kiss sets the tone for the rest of the romantic interaction. Even if you’re relatively new to holding hands, kissing, or dating, experts and the Harvard University Graduate School of Education say learning consent at every age is key.

We’re kissing. Now, what do I do?

One your lips touch, do not reach straight for the moves you’re been seeing in passionate kisses on TV or in movies. If you try to kiss someone right off the bat like a scene out of Heated Rivalry, especially as a beginner, there is a high chance you will not stick the landing. Instead, start slow. Let your lips find each other and assess from there. This can look like pulling back to make sure your partner is happy with what’s happening, and if they lean back in, you can kiss again.

If the kissing continues and you’re wondering what to do, try a few soft kisses to see what pace your partner is going at. If it seems like you both want to go a little faster and more passionately, you can mix it up with some different mouth movements. Think of kissing like dancing: it takes two to tango and much of what you're doing is reading and reacting to your partner’s movements in a way that feels good for you.

How do I use my tongue in a kiss?

If the kissing is getting a little hot and heavy, and you and your partner have checked in and want to keep going, this is where you can get a little creative — and where beginners tend to make the most blunders. Incorporating tongue into kissing, also known as French kissing, is a classic style of kissing. It’s often portrayed in popular media as more passionate or romantic, and while it can be, it doesn’t mean you should feel pressured to jump straight into using tongue.

Though incorporating different parts of your mouth can be fun, including tongue, it’s important to gauge what your partner is into first. Otherwise, it might just feel like you’re trying to jam a slimy foreign object into their mouth. Instead, think about how intense the kissing is getting. Are they opening their mouth wider? Are they using more of their lips? If you’re unsure, break apart, flirt a little, and ask if tongue would feel OK. Like we said before, consent is key.

When it’s been established that tongue can enter the conversation, don’t just use your whole tongue and put it straight into your partner’s mouth right off the bat. Work it in little by little, running it softly over your partner’s lip at first. If you want to avoid “turtle tongue” or jabbing your partner in the mouth with your tongue, don’t be too stiff. Try to follow the motion of the kiss and your lips rather than sticking it straight out.

What about spit?

With more tongue, comes more spit. For some people, that can be fun! But for others, especially when you’re just starting out, spit might feel gross or sloppy. Starting slow can be important to minimize the saliva you’re exchanging and get into a groove before you accidentally drool. If there is a lot of spit, don’t feel embarrassed! These things happen; they don’t call it swapping spit for nothing. Rather, check in with your partner about what they like and go from there.

How can I be a good kisser?

There is no single way to be a “good kisser,” but if you want to impress your partner and have a good time, it’s important to check in with them, ask them what they like, and follow their lead. It can be hot and fun to say, “I want you to show me what you like,” and go from there. Much like dancing, let them lead and show you the way.

If you try that, and the other above tips, and you feel like the kiss just isn’t working out, that’s also OK. Not every kisser you encounter will be comparable with you. A kiss is a litmus test to chemistry as opposed to a test of your skills, so it’s important to keep that in mind.

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