While there are a few dating trends that seem like they could be beneficial — explorationships, “living apart together,” and “pebbling” come to mind — the overwhelming majority seem to be extremely toxic.
Between “banksying," “shrekking,” and “submarining,” the modern dating landscape is dystopian. How are you supposed to find the love of your life, or even just a non-toxic person to hook up with, when everyone is playing these selfish games?
Well, just when you thought you had a handle on all of the ways a partner or someone you’re looking to date might screw you over, a new dating term has entered the zeitgeist: “throning.”
Just as toxic as the dozens of dating styles that came before it, "throning" is all about using another person to increase your own social capital.
But what exactly is “throning,” why are people doing it, and are LGBTQ+ people more likely to experience this form of dating manipulation? To get to the bottom of this new dating trend, we spoke with Jamie Downie, an LGBTQ+ associate therapist at Gateway to Solutions, and trans activist Dylan Thomas Cotter, who is also a former adult entertainer, Scruff dating app ambassador, and author of Transgender & Triggering The Life of Dylan Thomas Cotter.
What is 'throning,' and where did the term originate?
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“Throning” is a term used to describe a person who is dating someone strategically because they think being seen with them will increase their social capital and improve their reputation or social status. “The term is coined from the idea of putting their partner on a throne, not because of their love or connection, but to elevate their own social image and reputation,” Downie tells PRIDE.
According to Cotter, the term was popularized on Instagram and TikTok starting in 2023, in response to the rise in social media influencers and people seeking followers and clout. Dating up is nothing new; people have always married into wealth, or dated someone because they have a higher station in society, but it’s now being rebranded and resold as a reasonable dating technique to Gen Z daters.
“Various cultural critics have observed that while the term is relatively new, the practice is not: alliances, marriage, and interpersonal relationships have been used as vehicles for social and strategic ends (particularly by elites) for a very long time, well before the internet era,” Cotter says.
Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience ‘throning’?
Feeling like you’re living under a microscope where society — and politicians — are constantly judging you, is a common experience for LGBTQ+ people, so it makes sense that some would date as a way to get that external validation they are often lacking.
“Individuals in this community may grow up with society critiquing their identity and the way they form relationships,” Downie says. “It puts a sensitivity on choosing a partner and may place a higher status on how they envision this person being. A lot of internal validation and self-worth can come from how a partner makes them feel and how the overall community views or approves of their choices."
But Cotter warns that “throning isn’t exclusive to any one sexuality, so everyone should proceed with caution if they suspect they are being throned.”
Why would someone do this to a person they’ve been dating?
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If you suspect a partner might be throning you, it would be easy to feel flattered since it clearly means they think highly of you, but the decision to pick someone to raise you’re own social standing is ultimately a selfish one. “There are self-centered qualities behind this practice, as partners are seen more as accessories instead of individuals,” Downie explains. “It can impact the relationship because it is less about deep, long-lasting, vulnerable connections and instead about optics.”
Cotter says that most people are throning because they aren’t getting enough validation and feel like their accomplishments are being overlooked. Someone might chose a more attractive partner to “leverage their social status” or if they’ve reached some success in their career they might see dating as transactional and pick a partner to help with their career goals.
“Insecurity is another culprit, and if someone doesn’t feel like they’re whole on their own, they might attempt to pad themselves out with the relationship trophies of someone else,” he warns. “Some may do this because they fear being replaced or overlooked, another could be that there’s social pressure in society to have a ‘trophy partner.’ No matter the angle you look at this, it’s not about love it’s about outside perception of importance.”
If you ask yourself, “Would they be with me if I wasn’t beautiful/rich/well connected?” and your answer is no, then you are probably being throned.
What are the warning signs that you’re being ‘throned’?
If your partner seems to value you for your appearance or how being connected to you gives them status or clout, you are likely more of a trophy than a partner.
Cotter says you should be wary if the person you are dating gives you more compliments about your appearance than anything else, if they post more pictures of just you than couples photos, if they always “have the spotlight on them,” if they rush to make the relationship public, and if they keep the relationship very surface level. “If their relationship resume is a list of highlight reel clout objects, you may just be another status symbol in their dating life,” he says.
You might also be experiencing throning if your partner is big on public displays of affection, but they always feel performative. “It may feel like someone is parading you around and engaging in PDA in a way that feels inauthentic,” Downie says. It may also be time to get out of the relationship if your partner never connects with you, refuses to be vulnerable with you unless there is an audience, or of their love starts to feel conditional because they only give you “affection and positive reinforcement when they feel you are helping their image,” and they get frustrated “if you are not living up to the part.”
What should you do if you realize you’re being throned? Should you break up?
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If you think you are being throned, Cotter advises to “trust intuition” and “guard your peace” if you discover that they are more concerned with optics and appearance than actually being with you.
“Tone down on the public exposure and see how they react,” he recommends. “Ask pointedly about what they value in you; observe if they appreciate you or your status. Establish clear lines around image and access; if interest wanes with less spotlight, observe.”
Downie advises having a frank discussion with the person you are dating before you make a decision about ending things. “Have an open and honest conversation with your partner, sharing from a first-person perspective how their behavior is making you feel,” he says. “If they get defensive or respond poorly, or if nothing changes, you can decide whether this dynamic is helpful and supportive for you.”
What should you do if you realize this is something you do?
First, you need to recognize that throning isn’t just something your doing because of your own vanity and desire to be seen as better than other people, but it can really hurt the person you are using. “The truth is that throning is painful,” Cotter warns. “It erodes trust and wounds the heart when it is the means to be used for status and recognition but is presented as something authentic. It has the power to destroy genuine intimacy and connection and ends in disappointment. Just don’t put someone through that.”
If you wouldn’t stick around if your partner’s looks of status changed, and you’re only dating people to “boost your own image,” then you need to stop. "Decide if you want something authentic and real or just a good look and be honest with yourself and with whom you are dating,” Cotter says. “Don’t lead someone on.”
Downie also says that if you suspect this is a pattern in your dating life, then it might be time to speak to a therapist about why you’re doing this. “A lot of self-reflection will be needed to identify why optics are so important to you, while leaning into empathy for your partner and expressing love for them beyond how it makes you look or feel,” she says.
Sources cited:
Jamie Downie, an LGBTQ+ associate therapist at Gateway to Solutions.
Dylan Thomas Cotter, a trans activist, former adult entertainer, Scruff dating app ambassador, and author of Transgender & Triggering The Life of Dylan Thomas Cotter.
