The lesbian community is rich and diverse, and that includes sexual dynamics and the way sapphics choose to have sex.
There are pillow princesses and lesbian tops, there are lesbian bears and sapphics who love scissoring or using strap-ons. And then there are “stone tops,” an identifier that is all about giving in the bedroom rather than receiving any direct physical touch.
Stone tops are often misunderstood, which means that even if you have a clear understanding of what a stone top is, you might not have any idea what to do if one wants to take you to bed.
But whether you are a baby dyke with a lot to learn about the community or have just never had the pleasure of sleeping with a stone top, we’ve got you covered.
Maybe you don’t totally understand what makes a stone top tick, but that’s OK. We talked to Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist and relationship therapist with over 18 years of experience, and Milla Impola, a sex, condom, and lube expert for ONE Condoms, to get you all of the info you need to make the most of your time in the bedroom with a stone top so you don’t miss out on having all of that concentrated sexual attention pointed in your direction.
What is a "stone top?” And where did the term originate?
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A “stone top” is a term that refers to a lesbian or sapphic who prefers to give sexual pleasure, but has no interest in receiving any. “They might enjoy kissing or cuddling, but when it comes to their genitals, they prefer if they weren’t touched and would rather do the pleasing,” Impola tells PRIDE.
The term “stone” originated in the LGBTQ+ community and is used to represent “emotional and physical boundaries,” Impola explains. “It’s not a matter of emotional coldness or lack of intimacy; it’s about consent and comfort,” she says.
While “stone top” is used as a descriptor by many queer women and sapphics, Black lesbians may also use the term “touch-me-not.” Much like Black butch lesbians call themselves “studs,” a touch-me-not describes sapphics of color who fit into the stone top category.
What are common misconceptions about stone tops?
The two ends of the sexual spectrum — pillow princesses and stone tops — are often misunderstood and maligned. Pillow princesses are often called selfish in bed, while stone tops are thought to be cold, aloof, unemotional, and uninterested in sex.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth; stone tops just don’t care to derive pleasure from sexual touch in the same way other people might. “People who identify as a stone top still want affection like the rest of us; they are simply setting a boundary and expressing what they are comfortable with,” Impola says. "Being a stone top isn’t a fixed identity, and they aren’t always opting out of receiving sexual pleasure. It depends on the situation and their comfort level, just like any other sexual boundary.”
According to Roos, stone tops aren’t numb or emotionally distant, they actually “tend to be extremely present, intimate and responsive to their partner and to their own feelings, as they focus more on the emotional intimacy rather than the physical one.”
And while some people incorrectly believe that stone tops want to be dominant in the bedroom, it’s really more about boundaries. “While the power play dynamic for a few power tops is an important factor, it is for most about feeling safe, and to listen to one's own lust and boundaries, not to be dominant,” she explains.
Some queer women think they can change a stone top if they're just good enough in bed, or that the preference is caused by emotional trauma that just needs to be fixed. Don’t make this mistake. “Being a stone top is not a flaw, trauma response, or phase that needs fixing,” Impola says. “They often experience deep pleasure through giving, connection, and power exchange, and you shouldn’t assume that it’s a phase. Yes, boundaries can change and evolve over time, but this shouldn’t be the expectation. It’s best to meet them where they are at and have open conversations about both of your preferences and how you can satisfy each other. This helps reduce the stigma and create safer, more affirming sex for everyone.”
What bedroom activities are they open to? Which are they not open to?
No two stone tops will be identical, but in general, they will want to be the one touching you, not the other way around — especially when it comes to touching genitals.
“Stone tops may be open to giving oral pleasure, using toys, engaging in sensual touch, dirty talk, power dynamics, and strap play or other forms of topping,” Impola says. “It’s safe to assume that direct genital touch or stimulation of the stone top will be off the table, and any activities that cross the boundaries they have set. No matter the person or the type of play they might be into, it’s always best to have a conversation about boundaries, desires, and preferences before you engage in intimate activities with someone."
Tips for having sex with a stone top
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1. Respect their boundaries
Have an open conversation about boundaries before sex so that you know what kind of touch, if any, your partner is comfortable with. And don’t try to force them to change. “You shouldn’t try and 'unlock' someone or push them to change their stance. You should ask about boundaries and have an open conversation about them,” Impola says.
2. Check in frequently
Open communication is important before sex, but you also want to keep checking in while you’re being intimate, even if things are hot and heavy. “Ask them if they are enjoying something you’re doing, and ask first before trying something new or touching them in a slightly more intimate place,” Impola says. And don’t forget to look out for both verbal and nonverbal cues and signs of enthusiasm so that you can make sure your partner is having as great a time as you are.
3. Show appreciation without pressure
Learn to show appreciation for your stone top partner in ways that don’t include reciprocating physical touch, especially through sexual touch of their genitals. You can show how much you appreciate what they are doing to you through kisses and cuddles if they are comfortable with that, but you can also use words of affirmation, or do nice things for them outside of the bedroom. “Show that you care and want to give back in other ways than by trying to do it sexually,” Roos suggests.
4. Ask questions
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions and try not to be shy about being specific when asking questions about what a stone top would like to do in bed. “Ask how you can be a good partner, and do it in a positive way,” Roos says. “So don’t say ‘What am I not allowed to do?’ but instead ask, ‘What do you like and what works best for you?’ That way, you show respect as well as that you’re curious and interested in their satisfaction.” Roos says.
5. Take no for an answer
Communication is the key to great sex, but that means you have to be willing to take no for an answer without guilt trips, tantrums, or getting your feelings hurt. Whether they are comfortable with something during sex or not has nothing to do with you, so don’t take it personally. “A stone top not wanting you to stimulate them is about their body and their boundaries, not about you,” Roos warns.
6. Don’t frame sex as unequal
Just because you are receiving pleasure in a different way than your stone top partner doesn’t make the sexual experience unequal or unfair. “We all have unique needs and preferences, including specific touching, lubricant use, verbal affirmations, and more,” Impola says. “For stone tops, their needs related to intimacy allow them to experience pleasure on their own terms.”
Roos agrees and says that she advises beginners to let go of the concept that things “should be 50/50 during sex for it to be good. If both of you want the same thing, it’s already balanced in a good way!”
Sources cited:
Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist and relationship therapist with over 18 years of experience, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad
Milla Impola, a sex, condom, and lube expert for ONE Condoms
