When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.comSenior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

It's essentially still the holidays and our gossip girls are as punchy as ever. This week they take on Benjamin Button, hot Brad Pitt and a just 'eh' Cate Blanchett. Meanwhile Kate Winslet's hot even when not lobbing one out, J-Lo and Marc Anthony kiss today goodbye in a heart-shaped duet while Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz sing back up. It's a Lohan family Christmas and the Tracy's L Word screeners are on the way. It's going to be a Happy New Year afterall.

RvM: Alright, lady, just let me know when you're ready to do this. I've got a rump roast marinating in peach schnapps in my crock pot. This is what happens when mom gets you drunk and then gives you your Xmas cook book.

 TEG: Give me a min. I'm on the phone.

 RvM: Good lord you can talk.  Were you having to conjugate verbs?

 TEG: Alright bitch. I was in an egg nog and Bailey's coma. I'm out of it now.

 RvM: You're gonna have to speed this along lady. My pressure cooker's about to go off and Susan Lucci's on right now in a very special New Year's dress.  I gotta get out my gin soaked candy canes and tie one on.

 TEG: How do you know? Do you have a TV hidden under your desk?

 RvM: I'm listening to old episodes on 8 track.

 TEG: Alright, so what's up in the world? Ben Button?  I went through menopause during it. I was walking like him by the time I got out of my seat.

'RvM: Pitt hot, Blanchett not, and major kudos to whatever bitch sat there rifling through deleted scenes from Thelma and Louise and dubbed 44-year-old Pitt dialogue over his 27-year-old ripped, bulging sexy ass. MMMMMMMM.

 TEG: Yeah... even I let out and audible groan over that one.   Actually I did during Revolutionary Road... Mona looked at me like take it into the bathroom stall please.

 RvM: And did you? Was the moan for Kate Winslet or Kathy Bates?

 TEG: I would have missed the Winslet dirty dancing in a honky tonk.  Bates is a lovely big gal and all and who doesn't love a woman who plays batshit the way she can, but no, it was the Brit. My big Christmas also involved watching A Streetcar named Desire, Annie Hall, Sandra Bullock as the fun drunk girl gone sober in 28 days, Dick, The Women and all five seasons of the L Word. And I wonder why I'm single.

 RvM: Um... hmmm, let's see. If you'd been with me at Xmas, it would have been decidedly more fat slob fun. Jingle all the Way with Ahnold, Can't Buy Be Love and a very odd, albeit entertaining, foray into Hobbit village with Lord of the Rings.  I find that Orlando Bloom as a ginge oddly alluring.

TEG: He's not ginge. He's blonde darling. Ginge is Christine Marinoni and Lindsay Lohan. Must be a dyke thing.

RvM: He's strawberry then. Christine is just a poor mans Rupert Grint from Harry Potter.

TEG: Awww. Poor Christine. I don't feel to sorry for her though...waking up next to Miranda day in and day out. And, she's supposedly brilliant. I wouldn't mind those SATC benefits.

RvM: Yeah, well, that and a short stack at IHOP... BTW. Did you hear J-Lo and Skeletor are planning to divorce amid a Valentine's Day duet? What do you wanna bet she had that shit written into a prenup? If he leaves, she wants that shit televised. Don't leave a Latin woman. Words to live by.

 

TEG: If I had J-Lo's ass to hold on to I'd commit for sure.

RvM: she probably has Gloria Estefan, that talk show host Christina, Shakira and Rinky Martin standing by with guns, knives and a bull whip.

TEG: Rinky Martin? I always thought he wouldnt' be too rinky where it matters..

RvM: Are you one of those Hartford girls who thinks Mexico and Cuba are the same thing?

TEG: Fuck you California boy. I'm a worldly New England snob.  And she's got Salma and Penny from Bandidas sporting chaps and cattle branding equipment in the background...

RvM: It always goes back to those busty hos with you. BTW. Hate to spoil your fantasy. But Salma's a smoker.

TEG: Now you are just trying to hurt me with the Salma comment.

RvM: No, Perez Hilton has photos.

TEG: Are we talking about the same kind of smoking like Lucky Strikes? Cuz if you're talking about her Baby daddy, I think she's just ensuring her kid's college fund in case her Frida residuals wear thin?

RvM: Hahaha. she's got Ugly Betty money now girl... and if times get too tough, those photos of her and Penny sipping Campari in a bubble bath with Charles Nelson Reilly.

TEG: Ummm. He's dead love.

RvM: EXACTLY!

TEG: You have Match Game on the brain.

RvM: I DO... : HA. btw... just because I know this will make you all sorts of horny... Valerie Bertinelli just signed on as a spokeswoman for Cindy Crawford's skin care line, and there's a video of them frolicking off the beach and hugging.  Do you need to be alone?

 

TEG: I'll just crawl under my desk and pull my large men's here! Networks fleece over the edge to hide.

RvM: The one Mariel Hemingway wore in In Her Line of Fire? She's the 3rd spokeswoman?

TEG: Spokeswoman for what? here!? Or the skincare?

RvM: Cindy's skincare.  

TEG: That's such a lezzy six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

RvM: it was just the three of them talking melon extract, fine lines and Kate Bush.

TEG: Kate bush as in "Running up that Hill?"  Was that an age joke you homo bitch?

RvM: She's a lesbian fav, right?  I figure Bush...guitar...you know. But then that would make Laura Bush a lez icon. And as Margaret Cho says. Her pussy tastes like Lysol.

TEG: You're nasty. I don't know though. Lysol's kind of an aphrodisiac for me.  Right up there with campfire scent and bug spray.

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(continued)

RvM: Hmmm. wonder if that works the other way. Dick Van Dyke, Dick Van Patten, Dick Tracy, Nope, no gay icons there. though I do love Eight is Enough.

TEG: Speaking of which...

RvM: Did you wake up in Willie Aames' arms again?

TEG: The VH1 "every has-been tween whoever graced Tiger Beat" special was on last night and my boy Willie Aames was on.  And I have a question for you.

RvM: Yes my little cupcake?

TEG: At # 11 of greatest childhood has-beens "Linds the Lush the Lez Lohan." At # 12... Joyce Hyser. WTF?

RvM: Where was that? You know I introduced you to Joyce. Don't play like you knew about her career trajectory before I came along. You lying thieving bitch.

TEG: I didn't, And I forgot about her. Just one of the guys... She looks like Ralph Macchio.

RvM: So does Salma in Frida.

TEG: She still nailed Ashley Judd.  Where is Ashley? Did she join Heche in Celestia? I thought she went bonkers.

RvM: Honey, have you paid much attention to the Judd family? It don't take much to nail a Judd. And Ashley's still curbside at Nascar. Bitch is playing house with her man. I guess there isn't much call for Double Jeopardy 2.

TEG: Not unless Diane Lane's career goes down the tubes because I think that' who got Ashley's gigs. I guess "Kiss the Menopausal Women" isn't as fetching as Kiss the Girls.

RvM: Ooof. She just mad a movie called Tooth Fairy with the Rock. Now Ashley Judd has Lauren Graham's career. 

TEG: And BTW... I hear that Naomi is pretty tough to tap. Something about God.

RvM: Please. Give Wynonna a wine spritzer and steal her eyebrow pencil. She'll blow ya. And on that note, since your sense of humor went down the toilet with Xmas dinner, what the fuck is going on with those diseased lesbians you like to prattle on about. Lindsay Loho and her MAN!

TEG: Did you see that pic of Linds hugging Sam in a parking lot? Do you think she was shielding Sam from daddy Michael's blog posts?

RvM: I dont know... I do feel for them. Can you imagine Xmas at the Lohan's? Dina starts humming "White Xmas" and Lindsay stops to call her sponsor.

 

TEG: Sam's spinning the "Do You Hear What I Hear" remix while Ali puts on pasties and dances by the fireplace? And then they hold hands, eat cookies, drink coffee, smoke and chant the Serenity Prayer.

RvM: Dina probably has AA on speed dial... only the fucking bitch is always so loaded when she calls, a tow truck shows up at the Lohan ranch before she realizes she's seeing double.

TEG: Oh yeah. Triple A and Alcoholics Anonymous are tough to tell apart sometimes.

RvM: Oh, that's even more depressing than Xmas at my neighbor Gail's house... they all share a Zima 40 while they cuddle under a statue of a naked mermaid and talk about her crack head daughter Ronnie's new safe house.

TEG: Oh Lord. I don't even know how to respond to that.  Ummm. Just so you know. You will not see me for a few days.  My L Word screeners are on the way. Nice knowing you.

RvM: Oh, you. Is this gonna be like you with South of Nowhere. I have to check Facebook updates to even know your still breathing?

TEG: Yeah. This is bad.  I'll have a lifeline to the computer and an IV drip for sustenance.

RvM: Just make sure you charge your Rabbit.

TEG: I'll keep the rechargables handy.

RvM: Last thing I need is a 4 a.m.  text for batteries and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Call Pink Dotthis time bitch'.  I'm off duty for the holiday.

TEG: Can I expense it since it's technically research for work?

RvM: Sure thing, go ahead.

TEG: Good. Alright love...I have to research tricks who are willing to kiss me at midnight. I'm going to expense that too.

RvM:  Just be sure to stop at a kiss. I know how you get after a day alone with your cat and too many Jell-O shooters. Ooof. Alright. Bye lady. Kiss a few leather daddies for me.

 

Missed the last Gossip Girl and her Gay? Read it here.