SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by unpopular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
For our return to Gossip Girl -- since Ross left me claiming he was too serious a journalist for me -- we discuss Emily Blunt's corseted assets in The Young Victoria, Lucy Lawless in Gladiator garb getting "handled" by another woman, Rosie O'Donnell's new lady, Kristen Bell talking lez about her Burlesque costars (Christina Aguilera and Cher) and Jillian Michaels kinda / sorta admitting she's a homo in -- of all publications -- Ladies Home Journal.
WARNING: Censored photo of nude man below. (It'll make sense.)
RVM: You'd better be ready.
TEG: You'd better be ready.
RVM: You got me for 15 and then I'm off to watch last night's Desperate Housewives with my boyfriend and his cat.
TEG: And I'm the lesbian?
RVM: I didn't say I was watching the Cathy and Jill comedy hour. I said DH, which is GAY!
TEG: Earlier I was Googling those nude pics of Shemar Moore since I'm a Criminal Minds junkie now, so I guess that makes me a gay man too.
RVM: He has a nice ding-dong.
TEG: Well, he can't act, so he'd better have something to offer. I just want to warn you. I just had a Dove Dark Chocolate and on the inside of the foil, Barbara from Chapel Hill, NC told me to "Share Your Dreams." Trust me. You don't want to know about my dreams after I saw Emily Blunt topping Rupert Friend in The Young Vicki.
RVM: Yeah, Blunt was hot. Not feeling the Friend though. He's about as menacing as Beverly Leslie facing off against Rosario but I did enjoy Blunt's heaving bosom -- PG-13 though it was.
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TEG: Me too. She made me want to whip out my Jane Austen / George Eliot collection and retire to the setee for a private moment.
RVM: I gotta tell you though girl -- smokin' as Blunt was, it doesn't even compare to Lucy Lawless shoving some slave girl's hand up inside her hooh hah.
TEG: Did you dream in Lesbianese? Or did some Xenamaniac let you in on that?
RVM: No, girl, first episode of the new Starz series Spartacus: Blood and Sand, which is basically Dante's Cove meets 300 minus Thea Gill and the Maui location shoot.
TEG: So it's intellectual gay male porn shot in some pervy producer's backyard sandbox?
RVM: Something like that... Though you ladies get a lot of T&T&A.
TEG: Well, that'll be worth a half a minute's viewing.
RVM: Girl, it's shot on location in New Zealand, thank you. And in one hour, we get Xena's tits, Erin Cummings vag and about half the talent roster over at Chichi LaRue's porn studio doing full frontal in a gladiator pit.
TEG: I love it. I'm there. Ooooh. it's a little off topic but I have to tell you. I couldn't sleep last night, so I popped in some screener I had of a Provincetown documentary I had kicking around. I started to doze and lo and behold, my hookup from the PTown film fest circa 2005, turns up on the screen. Talk about a wake-up call! I was three mojitos in then but to relive it sober... Yikes!
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RVM: Don't you just love it when an ex prances across the screen on film? Sadly, mine usually pop up on brokestraightboys.com. That said, moving down the coast to another beach locale -- who's this bitch Rosie's waterboarding down in Key West?
TEG: Some chick named Tracy who has six adopted kids of her own. Together with Rosie, it's like Brangelina meets The Brady Bunch meets Tammy Lynn Michaels.
RVM: Meets Cat Cora and her egg swapping lady friend.
TEG: Exactly. I saw that Ro and Tracy were on a jet ski. Do you think they were off to Gloria Estefan's manse for afternoon Cuba Libre's and shaved meat sandwiches?
RVM: That's wrong? How dare you drag Gloria's name into the lesbian mud.
TEG: She loves it.
RVM: Hey, since we're trying to keep these quick....You know, like your sex life. How about we do a lightning round?
TEG: Yes darling. Word association? Because red wine has pretty much ruined my ability to fire synapses quickly, so that should be a giant FAIL.
RVM: Susan Lucci says her favorite story line from 40 years on All My Children is Bianca coming out. Personally, I'd have gone with the one where Erica Kane runs away to Vegas to hide from the mob and becomes a dancer named Krystle, but good for her.
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TEG: I was leaning toward Erica Kane springing her lover from prison while in an 80's-era wedding dress and hanging off a helicopter.
RVM: Ah, I see you too are a fan.
TEG: So is this lighting round? Oh, I get it. You tell me how you feel about something. And I let you.
RVM: No honey, that's called Tuesday. Were in it. So, moving on. How'd you feel about Kristen Bell saying Xtina and Cher turned her lez?
TEG: I wouldn't know Kristen Bell if she fell over me in a bathroom stall but good for her! I could see Xtina and Cher turning someone into a drag queen, but lez?!?
RVM: Honey, if Kristen Bell fell over you in a bathroom stall, you'd have a 48 hour hotel tab and a year's supply of KY jelly on your Amex.
TEG: NASTY. I did walk into Jamie Luner's cleavage in a Starbuck's bathroom but I guess it's not the same.
RVM: not the same... Jamie Luner's packing Double D's or so I think... Bell's more an ass girl.
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TEG: Yeah. I guess I'm more of a boob girl if you take Winslet, Cruz and Hayek as proof positive of my objectification of women.
RVM: Fair enough. And to conclude our lightning round, how about a word or two for the newly "out" Jillian Michaels? Is DeBuono gearing up to play her in the TV movie?
TEG: Hilarious that she came out in Ladies Home Journal. I'm waiting for to Latifah to come out in Good Housekeeping and Michelle Rodriguez to profess her Sapphic tendencies in Redbook. Hahahaha. And YES! Cathy would be a perfect Jillian! Better than the original.
RVM: yeah, I love that ladies mags are the way to go now. Jodie Foster can come out on the cover of More.
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TEG: I forgot about More! Holland Taylor in Readers' Digest?
RVM: That's cuz you're not in that demo yet. Kristen Stewart in Seventeen?
TEG: Oh I'm close honey. I'm about three hormone replacement therapies away. Ellen Page in Tigerbeat. Okay.
RVM: Yeah, you crossed a line.
TEG: Speaking of the older demo.
RVM: The only place to go now is way trashy like Tila Tequila on Tattoo Monthly.
TEG: That made me wheeze.
RVM: Ok, speaking of old whores... You were saying?
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TEG: What about that fun with Helen and Ellen?
RVM: Helen who and Ellen who? Hunt and Burstyn?
TEG: Gurley Brown and Barkin.
RVM: What? I missed that. That's hot.
TEG: Haha. Mirren lobbing the girls out for Ellen Degeneres. On Ellen's show today. That bitch has the best job.
RVM: Thats brilliant. She's got one hot pair of 64-year-old knockers. Ok girl. The concept on lightning round seems to have escaped you.... So I'll leave you with this....
TEG: She's got a hot everything! Did you see the bikini pic Ellen flashed of the old chichis?
RVM: Yes dear... That's old news... Read a blog sometime.
TEG: Now you're just being hateful. You turned 30 and you're officially a bitchy old queen.
RVM: New Year's Eve in palm springs will do that to you. Gotta go girl. I'm off like Lindsay Lohan's ankle monitor at a Dinah Shore Jell-O wrestling match.
TEG: Really? And I didn't get to talk about Latifah and the new People's Choice Award-- the giant Lucite vag--or what I like to call, the inspiration her trainer Jeanette uses to get Queen through those last few crunches. Fine. Thanks for almost playing.
RVM: Peace out, busty!
TEG: You too, soul queen.
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