When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week, while Tracy frets about what the hell to wear to the SheWired kick-off party at Truck Stop, Ross creates a diversion with tales of Evan Rachel Wood tantalizing Jane Krakowski before launching into a wholly self-indulgent paean to the queens of TV movies including Melissa Gilbert, Mariel Hemingway and Meredith Baxter. But don't think the highest paid actresses like Angelina Jolie, Cameron Diaz and Katherine Heigl get away unscathed. Meanwhile Mariska Hargitay and Hilary Swank are BFFs and all roads lead to Valerie Bertinelli.
TEG: Hey darling, are you finished being king of the Advocate for a minute so that we can do this? I have to go home early so I can make myself feel pretty before tonight.
RvM: Oh, shit, well its three and your party starts at 10, so we’d better hurry.
TEG: I need a seaweed body wrap, lipo and a Pretty Woman shopping spree before I can meet my public.
RvM: Hop to.
TEG: Oh and my roots are bad.
RvM: Awwww. I’m telling you girl. Wear a poncho. No one will notice your hair.
TEG: Haha... A poncho with nothing underneath. I'll look the homeless woman who hangs out at Hollywood and Highland.
RvM: Or my Nana Cookie after she kinda lost it in 2004 in a Walmart. Must've been the warm milk.
TEG: You mean the bourbon?
RvM: Yes. Lying bitch. Seriously, does anyone care about us? We should get to gossip.
TEG: Yes we should get to gossip... But I thought you didn't care what people thought. So what the hell's been happening this week?
RvM: O.J. Simpson is in jail... finally. Yee hah. Just to fuck with him even more, they should send him to camp cupcake. Upper class white women would go medieval on his ass.
TEG: Oh damn. Poor O.J. He got a bad rap.
RvM: Oh please. LIke you didn’t wanna see him fry.
TEG: Just because he murdered two people 15 years ago and got away with it this jury held it against him.
RvM: I know. Poor fuck. Next... did you hear that that chick from Twilight is making a biopic of Joan Jett?
TEG: Yeah what Kristen Stewart? I don't really know her cept when she was dyke Jodie Foster's baby dyke daughter in Panic Room.
RvM: Yeah, they looked dykey together. They cant get the fucking Dusty Springfield thing off the ground but the girl who looks like Rumer Willis with extensions gets to play Joan?
TEG: Wait. Who’s the chick with extensions who looks liker Rumer Willis? Isn't that just Rumer Willis? Or do you mean Demi Moore?
RvM: Demi whore? yeah. Whatcha gonna do? she must have a labia made of chocolate, because Ashton Kutcher is HAWT!
TEG: Demi had it back in the day but she got a little rough right after she shaved it bald and did one-armed pull-ups and by it -- I mean her head.
RvM: Jesus. She was rough in that movie.
TEG: A good, lesbian friendly kind of rough in GI Jane. I just read on AfterEllen.com that Evan Rachel Wood loves playing lesbo. She's dyking out in The Wrestler, in which Mickey Rourke plays her stone butch lover -- I mean father.
RvM: Hmmmm. isn’t that the last exit before "Evan Rachel Would loves being fucked by a lesbo"? Mickey Rourke is starting to look like Tammy Faye.
TEG: Wait till the eye liner starts to run down his face. No but here's the thing. Apparently, Evan Rachel Would seduces Jane Krakowski in some masterpiece entitled Pretty Persuasion.
RvM: Oh yes. I've seen that movie. You haven't?
TEG: Do tell? I can't imagine. I might forgo the SheWired shindig to watch trash movies like that at home with my cat.
RvM: It’s one of those naughty boarding school girl movies.
TEG: My favorite kind.
RvM: It's a classic like Just One of the Guys starring Joyce Hyser or, my fave. quarterback princess with a pre "I wear white tanks with no bra" Helen Hunt.
TEG: Ooh I love it. Is Krakowski the theater teacher who gives her private vocal lessons?
RvM: Ok, seriously, I know we never have anything productive to say but do you remember that dykey Kristy McNichol from Empty Nest and Family?
TEG: And Little Darlings. How could you forget? And shut up dykey. She's the one person I was compared to looking like when I was a kid. Well, her and Nicholas from Eight is Enough.
RvM: I had a dream the other night that she and Lisa Welchel stole a car and did some Thelma and Louise TV movie, but when they got to the roadside motel, Kristy picked up a sexy drifter, played by Ally Sheedy. Am I becoming a dyke?
TEG: It depends. Did they have sex with a twink in a truck stop stall? Hey... Kristy was also in Family with that hot bitch Meredith Baxter Birney / Baxter / Birney / identity crisis.
RvM: I love Meredith. The Betty Broderick Story…with her frosted tips. It kills me. How sad would it be if they started remaking old classics with people like her? They could totally do something like Vertigo with Meredith Baxter. Or like a really ghetto version with Tina Yothers.
TEG: Melissa Gilbert in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. In the Sidney Poitier role I mean.
RvM: Can Phylicia Rashad play Spencer Tracy's part?
TEG: A little twist as it were.
RvM: We could go on and on and on. I keep seeing Gone with the Wind starring Victoria Principal, Harry Hamlin and Jackee. But maybe that's just me. What's that latent lesbian Hitchcock movie... you could totally cast Dinah Manoff in Rebecca. Or Julie Kavner.
TEG: Awww Dinah… Marty from Grease as Mrs. Danvers who goes through the underwear drawer. Charlene Tilton stars in Double Indemnity. Judith Light in Now Voyager.
RvM: That I can see. TV movie queens are underrated. You try casting Kate Hepburn in Mother, May I Sleep with Danger and see how good she does... And while were at it. I'm making it known right now that if they were to ever remake Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, I’d want to know Hayley Mills and Susan Lucci had a job...
TEG: Shannen Doherty in Meet Me in St. Louis.
RvM: Please. Shannen Doherty in Meet Me in Reseda.
TEG: Mariel Hemingway in Johnny Guitar.
RvM: Oh Jesus. Enough but on the subject of Mariel Hemingway. Its a shame what happened to her. She went from Personal Best to playing around with John Candy and Emma Samms in a movie called Delirious... and then, last year, she made some movie about arthritis. OY!
TEG: Rheumatoid or Osteo?
RvM: Whichever one Norma Rae has.
TEG: ...because that could have cost her the Emmy.
RvM: Norma or Mariel?
TEG: Okay... let's get current. Did you see the list of the highest paid actresses?Angelina Jolie is number one.
RvM: I guess Angie is worth it. I mean, remember when she made that movie with Ed Burns where she went platinum blonde and followed it up with Taking Lives, the movie where snaggle tooth Ethan Hawke porked her on a sofa table. Back then she wasn’t worth $15 bucks. But now, I guess she's worth more than Julia Roberts and Reese Witherspoon.
TEG: When you save the world one baby at a time you get the big bucks. Julia and Reese have been selfish only pushing them out themselves. But seriously. I don't fucking get Cameron Diaz. If shaking your ass in your underwear was worth 10 million I'd make cake every time I got drunk at a house party.
RvM: Eh, she used to bug me a ton. not so much anymore. It'd be different if the highest paid actresses were, say, Julia, Angie, Reese and Kate Bosworth. Then I’d buy a gun and shoo. What does Lindsay get these days? Bout 6 pence?
TEG: Tuppence darling. But wait.Katherine (yawn) (snooze) (zzzzzzzzz) Heigl is number five?
RvM: She's had two hits. Its easy to ascend the ladder… but to stay there. Just ask Demi "The Scarlet Letter" Moore. I still remember the scenes where they changed the book a bit. Instead of Hester Prynne and Dimsdale never having sex they fuck in a barn while some handmaiden looks on and satisfies herself in a bale of hay.
TEG: Wasn't that Molly Ringwald?
More on next page...
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(continued)
RvM: Lea Thompson. Moving the fuck on. Seriously. Wanda Sykes is out. Jodie’s kinda out. What is Queen Latifah waiting for? Her girlfriend to run her down with a Harley?
TEG: No. With an SUV and a gift card to Harry Wintsons.
RvM: To do what? Rob the joint like Cleo? She may wear diamonds. She prefers Dickies and a ham sandwich.
TEG: Stop it now. Queen says she loves the gentlemen and they love her.
RvM: What gentlemen. Gay gentlemen?
TEG: The straighties. Which is no big thing because with my rack I could have 14 dates with janitors and sanitation workers just on my walk from the car to the office.
RvM: I'm not gonna go there. That's grounds for dismissal from Roz.
TEG: Roz in human resources? Jealous much?
RvM: Of your rack? Look at my ass the next time I get up to go to the john and you tell me if I’m jealous.
TEG: Okay.. It's a thing of beauty for sure. So... Mariska Hargitay on the cover of Ladies Home Journal.
RvM: Yeah, who'd have thunk she graduated to the blue hairs so quickly. Remember McCall’s? But seriously, come to find, she's best friends with Brandon Teena. Hilary Swank that is. What do you think they do on girls’ night? Pillow fight and wax Hill's back?
TEG: You bitch. I think they read Susan Sontag, sip spiked tea and paint each other's toenails. Oh, and play darts with Chad Lowe's pin-up.
RvM: That one ended so badly. So sad... Chad Lowe must sit at home watching Hilary Swank movies and downing the Klonopin.
TEG: My stylist does his hair and I have secrets but I'm not sayin...
RvM: What hair?
TEG: He prolly watches Black Dahlia when he wants to feel better about himself.
RvM: Or that movie where she played the homely courtesan. The Affair of the Necklace. Or as I like to call it… he movie that almost relegated her to making the Next, Next Karate Kid.
TEG: Oh Lord... On that note sugar pants. I'm out of here. Do you know how hard it is to be Tracy E. Gilchrist?
RvM: Not near so hard as it is to be Valerie Bertinelli. I just finished her book. Best thing I've read since Vanna White's autobiography.
TEG: Save that book for me. I want to keep it under my pillow and finger the pages that you've tabbed. Mmm.
RvM: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz welriunfowu8rm28304r02,48r2348n2vc. What happened to my fucking book you pig? It’s all wet. Thats so not Jenny Craig.
TEG: Where is that Valerie? I forgot I was going to try to land a phoner and a date with her.
RvM: You lazy schlub. If you want a phoner with Barbara Cooper, you gotta jump on this shit. Times are different now. she's got a job, girl.
TEG: You know she owned a gym in Noho in the 80's. I'd have paid any fee to see her big hair jazzercising in a maroon leotard.
RvM: Thats too fucking lez even for me. and I lap thaat shit up. I’m off to jack with Hugh Jackman or some shit. Later.
TEG: Oh lord. I won't see you till Monday. Ciao then.
RvM: I’ll see you tonight you boozer.
TEG: Oh right. I tried to block it out.
Missed the last "Gossip Girl and her Gay"? Read it here.
