SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by unpopular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.
This week Ross takes time out of his busy schedule Tweeting about the Prop 8. trial to waste time on celebrity gawking and on the gentle objectification of female celebrities by a lesbian. First up, Glee's Lea Michele is one not theater geek in a tight sweater, Kat McPhee admits her proclivity for filthy hot girls --like Megan Fox, Michelle Rodriguez and Sigourney Weaver are the most interesting aspects of Avatar, Sandra Bullock's nominated for an NAACP award, Meryl Streep and Jane Lynch at the Golden Globes...and more.
RVM: I’m going to drag a new kinda funny out of you. Just you wait and see.
TEG: I don't know about all that. You might have to do some heavy lifting. But here goes. Even while I haven't slept in a week from leavign the light on after watching 48 eps of Criminal Minds in two weeks I still have the energy to find that Lea Michele very fetching while arting a story on Glee. And she can sing a show tune. That's my kind of girl.
RVM: God, and they say we gays are pigs. I love that you have a thing for Jewish girls. Babs in a see-through nightie would send you into a tailspin.
TEG: Babs circa What's Up Doc made me weep. And that's when I was a wee thing. What can I say. I like Passover Food.
RVM: Hahahaha. If you were gay, you'd like pass around food. So what is it about Lea that gets you off?
TEG: I am gay you homo.
TEG: The lips, the sweaters on Glee.
TEG: the 19th century nighty while singing "Mama Who Bore Me" to me from Spring Awakening.
RVM:Yeah, you love a girl who looks like she's ready for riding lessons. So what’s up in the world of lezzie news? I’M all wrapped up in this Prop 8 trial. I could use an escape
TEG: Oh, gay marriage rights? I'm still fighting with my bank --that got a bail out-- over the fucking egregious fees they charge.
RVM: Yeah -- gay rights can't hold a candle to news Katherine McPhee has wet dreams about Megan Fox.
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TEG: I know. I figured McPhee would go for the kind of girl who could toss her around.
RVM: I just love that she said she thinks Megan’s a dirty pig, but she still digs her. That’s my kinda girl.
TEG: That is hot. I like that McPhee. I nearly had to close the shades on Thanksgiving when she performed atop the Jimmy Dean breakfast meat float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
RVM: Oh god... if this is going to end with some image of Kat McPhee making you curtains flutter, I might as well just log off right now. Speaking of Kat’s curtains…
TEG: Here it comes...
RVM: Do you think she dyed the carpets to match the drapes?
TEG: I think any woman of a certain age has opted out of carpet. So no. I think she changed the blade on her Venus Embrace razor.
RVM: Everyone's gone Pergo?
TEG: That is foul. But yes, darling.
RVM: I went home for Xmas... and my parents got Pergo flooring. Looks like wood till you step on it. It squeaks.
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TEG: Okay...moving on from this potentially very slippery slope....AVATAR: eh. I would prefer to see Winslet's heaving bosom on the high seas in 3D for three and a half hours. You know, those are what sunk the Titanic.
RVM: Yeah, I know... the lack of tits that weren't covered in blue paint probably did you in, though i argue that Zoë Saldana is a hot piece, even at 8 foot 3 inches and with a tail.
TEG: She makes a stunning cartoon character. Although, I would have preferred if Cameron had refocused the story and entitled it Aliens 969: The Cougar and the Latina Lesbo Soldier.
RVM: Any movie that reinvents Sigourney Weaver as a 37-year-old blue creature that resembles a draft pick for the Seattle Storm is my kinda film. Who does M-Rod think she’s kidding?
TEG: I have no idea.
RVM: I’ve met UPS drivers with more estrogen than her.
TEG: And most of them are the men.
RVM: Yeah, named Claude or Toni.
TEG: Hot butch though.
RVM: She looks good with a gun.
TEG: That's the kind of girl I thought McPhee would turn for.
RVM: We cant go down that road again! We'll get banned.
TEG: Yes, dear. I know, banned from my own site.
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TEG: On the subject of cougar pairings, here's one that makes my hair stand on end, and not in the good way -- although I adore them both in thier own right. Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore in Chloe. Yikes.
RVM: Yeah, well... it ain’t what you think. Julianne hires Amanda to fuck her hubby, played by Liam.
TEG: Ooof.
RVM: Sorry to disappoint you. Do you give a flying fuck about that filthy bi girl ke$ha? Number one album in America…
TEG: Not at all. Not even if I stumbled into her cleavage in a Starbucks' bathroom as I have so many other rising stars.
RVM: Toppled SuBo.
TEG: Say it ain't so. SuBo is my fave dowdy British virgin cat lady makes big story of 2009. I was gearing up to cook up some bangers and mash and descend into a Les Mis K-hole in her honor.
RVM: And I was gearing up to call Phuy Wen, my brows girl, to give her a make over. What is it about these girls who all say they're bi? Why do all of them look like they need a shower?
TEG: Who Ke$ha? Upping their fan bases. Lesbians are notoriously devoted.
RVM: Yeah... but somehow, in five years I don't see Ke$ha doing festivals in Manitoba with McLachlan and Paula Cole.
TEG: She's on Lllith this year. That's when I'll go stand in the four-hour Port-a-Potty line. What is the phonetic pronunciation of the dollar sign in a name anyway?
RVM: I think her name is Ke "gay til it pay," Ha. Just call her trash.
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RVM:Anyhoo, there’s a trailer online for this new movie Pirhana 3-D. Like a jaws remake, even Dreyfus is in it. But thought you’d appreciate that Liz Shue is the cop who saves the small beach town. Complete with shorts, a wifebeater and a gun.
TEG: Look at those deltoids. Very nice indeed. Is she playing herself as a cop ala Hamlet 2 meets Stephen Seagal Lawman
RVM: Wouldn’t that be brilliant?
TEG: It would.
RVM: Have you watched that Lawman mess?
TEG: Can't do it. I told you, I'm in a Criminal Minds wormhole.
RVM: I still cant get past that movie On Deadly Ground he did... shoot ‘em up meets EPA educational film. Fuck you: if your gonna promise guns, don’t stop shooting to save a pelican from oil.
TEG:I missed that opus. So, Golden Globes.
RVM: We talking yours or the awards?
TEG: Oh mine have been the subject of many a column on SheWired, and on my Facebook page.But leave them out this week. They're sensitive. So, is Sandy Bullock going to do the equivalent of EGOT?
RVM: What the hell is EGOT?
TEG: A People's Choice, a Globe and an NAACP? EGOT! Catch up with 30 Rock you theater queen. Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony!
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RVM: Hmmmm, Emmy, sure. Maybe even Oscar. But dont hedge your bets that Sandy is going to somehow develop Audra McDonald's pipes and recreate Carmen at Lincoln center.
TEG: She's a method actress right? But she is up for the NAACP award with Taraji P. Henson, Sidibe --who else?
RVM: Taraji, Gabourey, Sophie Okonedo, Anika Noni Rose and Sandy B. Seems pretty well rounded.
TEG: That is so wrong.
RVM: Just waiting for the announcement Sandy's black Irish.
TEG: From Texas. So who's winning the Globe? Will Meryl get tipsy on Veuve and double dip with her dual noms?
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RVM: Girl, Rosie’s up for an NAACP award for best actress in America
Opposite Ruby Dee and Cicely Tyson.
TEG: Greer or O'Donnell?
RVM: Rosie Carpenter.
TEG: Oh shit.
RVM: Sandra Oh.
TEG: and Quween of the Scene?
RVM: I’m beginning to think all you need to quality for a NAACP award is say something nice about a black person in a movie. Julia won for Pelican Brief.
TEG: For saying she'd wished she could have shagged Denzel like she did many of her costars back in the day?
RVM: Something like that. Alright, you have anymore lesbian oil to burn? I gotta get back to Tweeting about our rights,
TEG: Not so much. Crossing my fingers for Jane Lynch to win the Globe. I think if she wins, Meryl will plant one on her. Since they're pals post Julia and milquetoast Amy Adams.
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