Meghan Trainor's Bizarrely Horny Press Release Has Everyone Confused

Pop singer Meghan Trainor just went viral for the most bizarre of reasons. An aggressively horny press release for her new EP is turning heads, then making people scratch them.

The whole thing reads a lot like that overeager white girl visiting a gay bar for the first time who's "so into vogueing right now." The first line asks the reader if they will be "smashing bae’s junk to smithereens or making out with a pint of Phish Food" for Valentine's Day. It only gets worse.

"We know you want to hear songs about all the hot newlywed sex Meghan and Daryl Sa-BAE-ra are having," the release postures before oversharing that "Billboard was wet" for her new single, "and would Billboard lie to you, girl?"

Meghan, WYD? 

Here's the full press release:

"Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and whether you’re planning on smashing bae’s junk to smithereens or making out with a pint of Phish Food, you need some fresh Valentine’s Day bops to get you in the mood for L♡VE. And MEGHAN TRAINOR has got you covered with her new EP, THE LOVE TRAIN [Epic Records.]

You know you want it. And you can freakin’ get it b*tch. On all digital platforms right HERE.

Meghan’s seducing your ears this V-Day, and you know she knows a thing or two about romance. Unless your phone’s been broken for a hot minute, you know that Meghan just got married to the ginger from Spy Kids, and trust when we say, girl is feeling the love. She took a break from her busy schedule to record some fire tracks in Los Angeles alongside frequent collaborators and producers Andrew Wells [5SOS, Fall Out Boy, Jason Mraz], J KASH (Maroon 5, Charlie Puth, Kesha) and Tyler Johnson [Harry Styles, CAM].

We know you want to hear songs about all the hot newlywed sex Meghan and Daryl Sa-BAE-ra are having (did you see what we did there?). Which is why you’ll love the banging’ single 'All The Ways.' Billboard was wet for 'All The Ways,' calling it 'another fun, danceable track to fall in love with.' And would Billboard lie to you, girl?

But perhaps the piece de resistance (that’s French for 'Wig Snatch') is 'Marry Me,' a romantic acoustic guitar and ukulele-tinged Awww Fest which delivers all the feels (and then more feels). Meghan wrote the song thirty days after meeting Daryl, and it was so good that she walked down the aisle to it. We know, it’s a little bit #Vomworthy, but also, am I chopping onions right now or are those tears rolling down my face? I’m not crying, you’re crying.

And as always, our Grammy-Winning, Diamond Single-having QUEEN didn’t just come to play — she came to slay. She’s serving vocals on the passionate, Celine Dion-esque power ballad 'After You.' Plus, Meghan’s serving your insatiable thirst for dance-ready bops with the upbeat banger that is 'Foolish.' It slaps so hard you’ll be stanning for days. 'As if all the PDA, including foot massages, butterfly kisses and piggy back rides aren’t cringe worthy enough,' says her brother and videographer Ryan… 'I’ve got to film it all!'

Choo choo betch! The Love Train is leaving the station and you better get on board.

Be on the lookout for more surprises very soon as she prepares for a landmark 2019."

Of course, Twitter had some thoughts. 

After the release went viral, The Late Late Show writer Caroline Goldfarb took credit for writing the piece—and the chaos that it caused. "The original draft had a line about Meghan buying sex toys with the ginger from Spy Kids but they took it out," she tweeted.  

Oh internet, never change.