Damon Jacobs was part of the first wave of people to get on PrEP. Since then he has been a force, empowering his community to take charge of their sexual health.
As great as life imitating art would be, it's just not feasible
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No man knows what gay sex is going to be like the first time. No matter how many porn clips we play on a loop beforehand, it never matches up with reality.
If you're still a virgin (and there's nothing wrong with that!) you may look to porn for tips on how to go about it for your first time. Even if you're a seasoned pro, it might be a little of the same deal.
Here are 10 lies porn can teach you about gay sex.
#1 Everyone looks good when they're having sex
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There's definitely all types of porn out there, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if you're watching something, it's likely you've sifted through the options to find something that suits your style.
That said, when you find something that tickles your fantasy, anyone in the video is going to look good to you. Don't have the expectation of everything going smoothly, everyone looking great the whole time, and every experience being the height of your fantasies. Lower your expectations and just let the good times roll.
#2 Every situation is an opportunity to have sex
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The pizza delivery guy. The gym trainer. The dentist. The doctor. The grocery store worker and his nasty boss who's watching from the corner. Your neighbor when his wife goes to work. Porn definitely takes on everyone's wildest fantasies and puts it onto the screen so you can live vicariously through the actors (because yes, that's still technically what they are.)
Don't get me wrong -- it's not like none of these things can happen. Fantasies also take on a form of real life in some regard, but don't expect some fantastical sex situation to happen anytime you go out your front door.
#3 Virgins come out of the closet a Power Bottom
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I can’t tell you how many films I’ve seen dealing with virginity loss backstories. The majority of the time, the virgin is bright-eyed and smiling up a storm while he’s getting a ride fit for a rodeo. Don’t get me wrong. Some dude’s jump into bottoming right at the beginning, but the reality is it takes a while getting comfortable enough to want it all the time.
Bottoming is as mental as it is physical. It takes a while for your body to broaden and expand towards deeper horizons. Never are you going to magically jump in the deep end your first go around. That's a bunch of bull.
#4 Gay sex makes for easy clean-up
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The Pine-Sol lady does not come after it’s all set and done. Men sweat, which is something I love, and we get wet and sticky most of the time – at least when we’re giving our A-game.
My philosophy has always been if you haven’t broken a sweat then you’re being too safe. I’ve had great sex in my life and rarely do we ever finish on top of crisp white sheets. It’s always a wrinkled-up pile of damp sticky mess and I like it that way.
#5 There's no preparation WHATSOEVER
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Very, very few gay men are ready at the snap of a finger to bottom. There’s prep work, which requires more than a shower. Some douche, but more importantly it's about us soaping and tidying up down there. For guys who find it difficult bottoming, we need to exercise our sphincter muscles at least two times a week with a toy so it builds muscle memory for bottoming to be enjoyable. It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, so for anyone who thinks it’s as easy as pie, I’d like them to sashay away please.
#6 BIGGER is always the BETTER option
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There are plenty of Size Queens out there in the world, but I’m sure even they admit that just because a man is packing heat does not give him the right to stay in the kitchen. There are countless of guys with average to smaller penises that rock someone's world as equally as the big boys.
Our prostates are only four inches inside (and around the corner), so do the measuring. Trust me when I say size doesn’t necessarily fit all. Kudos to you for enjoying a third leg, but for the majority of gay men it’s not a requirement. Don’t believe it.
#7 Ejaculation is always going to be consistent
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I always forget that I’m watching a film, which means there’s editing, retakes, lighting, even questionable CGI. Life doesn’t run on digital time. It exists in our mind and body’s physiological breaks. We’re not always going to cum exactly when our partner does — we’re just not.
Hell, sometimes we won’t at all. It doesn’t mean we’re not sexually attracted to them anymore, and it especially doesn’t mean we didn’t have a good time. Sometimes our mind gets fucked up and decides to take a bit more time than usual. We’re not always going to shoot across the room like Peter North — but we’ll certainly have fun trying.
#8 Everyone is a contortionist
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There are so many porn stars down to shoot a leg up to the ceiling while their partner grabs the other and straddles it on top of the kitchen sink while he’s reaching around to grab the testicles and pull himself in and out like a circus monkey. The only people who can do this should be working for Cirque du Soleil. It’s hard enough to do a decent split, the last thing I need is to be bent like a pretzel. There’s absolutely zero pleasure in being made into Stretch Armstrong. All lies!
#9 Everyone likes a good rape scenario
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This is tricky, and the secret lies with consent. Plain, good old-fashioned, consent. I’m a pretty big fan of being dominated over, but there’s a fine line between “Yes, boss me around” and “OK, should I call the cops now?”
If a guy is using me to live out his lifelong fantasy of actually raping someone, he’s getting kicked in the groin and told his place. There needs to be some heavy communication beforehand to warn a guy. Rape isn’t a joke. It can be sexy when we’re both on the same page but never should anyone assume it’s going to be as free-flowing as it is on Porn Hub.
#10 The sex is always a surprise
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I hate to speak for others, but I have yet to meet a gay guy who, at least when he’s young, hasn’t agreed that making out “leads to other things.” But in porn, it’s always a surprise: They see each other, start talking, and suddenly they’re in the backroom of a 7-11 getting stuffed like a creamsicle.
The reality is you feel the tension long before any deed actually happens. When it does, the anxiety leaves so we can finally give in to what we all knew was inevitable. Men are kind of psychic when it comes to sex, so two gay guys are almost always aware when there’s at least a possibility. Trips to the bathroom to make sure you smell fresh become too frequent not to assume anything else. We've all been there.
It was love at first sight for Thomas Davis and Jace Dawson. As partners, advocates, and speakers, they have held each other through incredible milestones and will affirm their love in front of friends and family later this year when they tie the knot. Now, they’re choosing to share their story to combat HIV stigma and to inspire other couples to share their own stories.
Like thousands of couples around the world (17,000 in Canada alone, according to Liviana Calzavara, leading expert in HIV and professor at the University of Toronto), Davis and Dawson are in a serodiscordant relationship, whereby one person is HIV-positive and the other is HIV-negative.
Disclosing your status to someone you love is a constant struggle if you’re living with HIV, mainly due to the stigma around it. Thankfully, HIV education has enriched many conversations in the gay community to a point where love sometimes conquers ignorance.
Like many others, when Davis, who is poz, nonchalantly disclosed his status to Dawson on their first date, it proved to be a tiny trial.
“It was a shock at first — and it should not have been, because I considered myself well-educated,” says Dawson, who is HIV-negative and on PrEP today.
At a later date, Dawson brought it up again. “We had that conversation,” he says. “As uncomfortable as it was, you know, we worked through it.” Dawson admits having lived in New York City previously and knowing others who are living with HIV, which helped him articulate his feelings better.
For Davis, who was diagnosed HIV-positive in 2013, speaking his truth has always been a priority and he’s never faulted. As a choreographer and HIV activist, he’s spoken to audiences in the U.S. and abroad, empowering young people in the fight against HIV.
“I didn't really have an issue disclosing to anybody,” Davis says of his prior dating life. “I didn't really care if somebody wanted to be with me or not… if you're going to have an issue with me that's a little ridiculous, [because] you wouldn't have an issue with somebody that had cancer, or diabetes, or was blind. If you are going to have an issue, then you're not the one for me.”
Davis adds, “There were times that I would fear for my safety. If I was with somebody and I told them, I wasn't [sure] what their reaction would be — positive or negative — and it could possibly turn violent. Luckily none of that ever happened for me.”
It was a long conversation for he and Dawson though.
“That was a hard conversation that we had to have together,” Dawson recalls. “A lot of prayer, a lot of just truth with each other first. And, in order to do that we had to really tune the world out, and turn on Tom and Jace.”
The decision for Dawson to be on PrEP happened before the relationship became intimate — and after speaking to a doctor.
Today, the men worry that there aren’t enough examples of serodiscordant relationships in the public eye. Part of the reason, Davis thinks, is because young people aren’t being educated enough about PrEP (for those who are HIV-negative) or the importance of treatment as prevention, where those with HIV can reduce the virus to undetectable levels in their blood and thus would be unable to transmit HIV to anyone else.
“There's a lot of conflict in the prevention field,” Davis says, later calling out for health professionals and advocates to step up their responsibilities. “If you look at organizations like the AIDS Healthcare Foundation — which should be a leader when it comes to something that is this effective in preventing HIV — it took them how many years to finally stop saying that [PrEP] was a party drug and to stop saying this is going to lead to a super strain? When you put rhetoric like that out into the community, it does damage for a few years before people will start to come out of it and have different nuances of conversation.”
Dawson adds that for many people, it’s fear that prevents them from speaking about PrEP and undetectability. The more we talk about it, the more fear and perhaps post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) we have to face, especially among long-term survivors.
“They went through a large epidemic in the ‘80s into the ‘90s, and they finally got… control over the situation. So, they don't want an uprising of something else that they can't handle. ‘They’ being our heterosexual counterparts. They don't realize they're just as affected as we are. [HIV is] not linked to one group of persons, or one dynamic. In order to save one community, you're saving us all.”
At the end of the day, it’s their love that holds them together — not their statuses. “Love is for everybody,” Dawson says. “It is possible no matter what, and we're leading in that way by affirming our love, by affirming our marriage in the middle of the year, and about how we’re not allowing all the road blocks and the hurdles to stop us, or prevent us from doing that.”
September is World Sexual Health Month. Throughout the month, Pride.com will remind readers not only about the importance of safer sex, but also the practice of better sex, because healthy sex should never be boring.
This World Sexual Health Month, let’s get educated. For more information, visit HealthySexuals.com.
Here are a few tips to help us get started:
1. Get tested!
Getting tested for HIV and other STIs is crucial in taking responsibility for our sexual health. Visit AIDSvu.org/Services to find the nearest clinics that provide resources and STI screenings, with or without health insurance. For those who are sexually active, it’s recommended to get tested every three to five months.
2. Be upfront with your sex partner.
Having an open dialogue with long-term sex partners about your past and present sexual experiences is crucial in holding each other accountable to better health. Whether you’re in a monogamous or open relationship, telling the truth goes a long way. It inspires more honesty from both parties, and jumpstarts conversations toward healthier habits moving forward.
3. BYOC: Bring your own condom
Never depend on your sexual partner to provide a condom. You can either purchase condoms yourself or head to one of the many organizations that provide them for free. Thanks to the One Community Health Condom Distribution Program, local businesses are literally handing out free condoms every single day. The organization’s goal is to give out one million free condoms every year.
Remember to steer clear of lambskin condoms because while they might prevent pregnancy, their tiny pores don’t protect from STI transmission. Never use the same condom twice.
4. Always use water-based or silicone-based lubes.
Choosing the right lube is so important and can change your experience for the better. Certain brands provide multitudes of flavors and scents that can be a sexy addition with your partner, but make sure they’re water-based or silicone-based. Whatever you do, do not use body lotion, massage oil, jellies — even coconut oil — as a quick replacement for lube. These oils can weaken latex and cause the condom to break without us realizing it.
Pro Tip: make sure you lube up the condom after it’s on (not before), otherwise it might slip off during intercourse.
5. Understand your risk factors.
To understand our risk factors, we must consider our own “sexual networks”. According to HealthySexuals.com, that includes everyone we’ve had sex with — plus all of their partners, plus all of their partners' partners. HIV rates vary from zip code to zip code, and certain demographics are impacted more than others. Knowing this information helps us to understand our potential risk factors.
Pain is a sign that something could be wrong. Listen to it. Continuing despite the pain might cause rips and tears, making it easier for HIV to enter the bloodstream without us realizing it.
7. Spit or swallow. Don’t let it wallow.
The CDC reports there is "little to no risk" of contracting HIV through oral sex. However, other STIs like syphilis, herpes, gonorrhea, and chlamydia can still be transmitted during oral sex. To lower that risk, it’s always better to remove your mouth before climax.
Pro Tip: Give yourself 45 minutes after brushing or flossing your teeth to perform oral sex, to be sure open slots and nicks are fully closed.
8. Disinfect your sex toys.
Sex toys can be fun, especially when they’re being shared with you and your sex partners. However, it’s very important to disinfect them between switching them from person-to-person, or from orifice to another. One easy way to do this is by always using condoms on the toy itself, so you can easily switch out the condoms for each use.
9. Gargle up:
Did you know that gargling with Listerine could lower the amount of gonorrhea in the throat? A small study published in the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections researched 52 gay and bisexual individuals who tested positive for gonorrhea. They found those who gargled with Listerine (vs. saline) had less viable gonorrhea in the throat.
Across the world, countless queer youths rely on LGBTQ centers for services and community building. But even though we have seen incredible strides in the last few years toward acceptance, the numbers still show that LGBTQ people continue to be discriminated against.
Research from the Center for American Progress shows that 25 percent of queer people reported discrimination in 2016. Between 11 percent and 28 percent of LGB workers report losing a promotion simply because of their sexual orientation, and 27 percent of transgender workers report being fired, not hired, or denied a promotion in the past year.
A January 2017 survey showed that in 2016, discrimination remained a widespread threat to LGBTQ people’s well-being, health, and economic security. This is why LGBTQ community centers are crucial.
When the first LGBTQ community centers opened in 1971 in Los Angeles, Calif. and Albany, N.Y., they became a refuge for those who desperately needed a place to call home. Throughout the 1970s and ‘80s, gay men and lesbians had been one of the least-liked groups in the country, with 75 percent of people saying they disapproved of homosexuality. In 1998, only 58 percent of Americans claimed to have even known a “gay friend or acquaintance.”
LGBTQ centers were leading the fight during the AIDS crisis, when the disease wreaked havoc on millions of people’s lives. That fight continues today, and is immensely led by the incredible services offered at local centers.
Today, the community center movement has reached numerous small cities. According to LGBTCenters.org, by 2000 nearly half the 100 community centers were their area's only staffed non-profit LGBTQ presence — the first point of contact for people seeking information, coming out, accessing services or organizing for political change.
From resources, leadership development, and other avenues of support where LGBT people can come, be heard, be seen, and be valued, LGBTQ centers are not only a tool, they’re at the epicenter of the entire movement.
So, how can I find a local LGBT Center?
Thankfully, CenterLink, the community of LGBTQ centers, has made it easy for any person across the world to find their local LGBTQ community center. More often than not, they appear where you least expect them.
All you have to do is go to CenterLink by clicking HERE.
From there, you enter your address and the system will locate its nearest LGBTQ community center. Once you’ve found your local center, all it takes is a simple phone call, email, or car ride to check out the latest events or seek out the closest resources you might need.
Check out the resources provided by GLAAD. Below are organizations that continue to fight for equality and acceptance across all communities. Support them!
