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If You Pass Uranus You've Gone Too Far

If You Pass Uranus You've Gone Too Far

Writer and lesbian guru Diana Cage encourages us all to enjoy our butts more since Uranus jokes have lately permeated the media. 'Barney Frank is gay, and that means he rules Uranus. Haha. Funny. Get it? Uranus? Like, as in, your butt? Haha, butts! I'm thinking that Uranus jokes are kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel, even for Rush Limbaugh. But he just keeps making them. They guy just loves a reference to buttsecks, what can you do?'

Barney Frank is gay, and that means he rules Uranus. Haha. Funny. Get it? Uranus? Like, as in, your butt? Haha, butts! I'm thinking that Uranus jokes are kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel, even for Rush Limbaugh. But he just keeps making them. They guy just loves a reference to buttsecks, what can you do?

Back in San Francisco I had some friends that lived on Mars Street. The street just past theirs was "Uranus Terrace," no, really, it was. Every party invitation had directions to their house that read "Drive up 17th Street and turn left on Mars. If you pass Uranus, you've gone too far."

A Uranus joke can be funny; poor Rush just isn't clever enough to make a good one.  Jokes about butts just aren't funny coming from people who really are obsessed with their assholes. And Limbaugh has all the signs of an anal expulsive. Freud was certainly full of shit himself, but if you read his stages of development I think it's pretty obvious that Rush Limbaugh had some potty training issues.

Well, to counteract all this anal-negativity that Rush Limbaugh is spreading, I think its best to think some nice things about your butt. Instead of thinking about gross old Rush Limbaugh making an imbecilic gay joke about Barney Frank and Uranus, think about rimming. Don't you just love rimming? Of course! We all do!

Analingus, rimming, ass-eating, whatever you call it, it's an art. Why eat ass, you ask? Because, duh, it's fun and it's not just for fags anymore. I've heard round the water cooler that asslicking is on the verge of becoming the number one favorite sexual practice of all time. I think I read that on fivethirtyeight or something.

But to really get you excited about the butt and in the mood for peace and love I want you to try this excellent exercise shared with us from none other than the hot mama of Tantra herself, Barbara Carrellas. You want to read something sexy? Get yourself a copy of Carrellas's book Urban Tantra, it'll definitely open your mind and probably several of your orifices. Read up on her at her web site www.barbaracarrellas.com.

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OK, are you ready to fall in love with your butt? This exercise is called Bottom Breathing. Here's how to do it:

 

    1. Sit on the floor with your legs crossed (or on a hard-backed chair with your feet flat on the floor) and your spine straight. With your hands, pull the fleshy part of your buttocks aside so that you are sitting on your sit bones. (Once you learn the breath you can do it in any position.)

    2. Place your hands on your belly. Relax your belly. Just let it go. Let it be round in your hands. (Despite the culture's fascination with concave bellies, bellies are supposed to be at least slightly rounded.)

    3. Begin by exhaling all the air out of your lungs.

    4. Then, as you inhale, very gently push out on the anal sphincter. Imagine that your anus can "kiss" the floor or the seat of the chair.

    5. On the exhale, don't do anything. Don't contract your anus; don't hold it; don't push. Do nothing. Just let go.

    6. Repeat. On the inhale, push out with the anal sphincter; on the exhale, do nothing.

    7. Keep going.

That's all you have to do! Relax, de-stress, love your butt. Now go out and have some fun with your butt or maybe even someone else'. Just make sure to ask their permission first.

Read more Diana Cage.

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