U.S. Open in Queens, New York: What You Don't Get From ESPN

It’s the start of the U.S. Open in Queens, New York, but if you want to know boring stats about tennis players go to ESPN or the official site or something. I’m here to tell you the stories that fell through the subway vents, or the ones that no one will own up to. Shall we begin?

First off, unless you have a relative in the area you’re better off watching the matches on TV. Better seats, cleaner bathrooms, cheaper food. If you did brave planes, trains and taxi drivers to get there, the rest of us hate you right now, because the humidity has finally broken and the weather’s been beautiful.

I’ll put your mind at ease and state that fashion on and off the court will definitely be better at the Open than at Wimbledon. You’ve got all the colors to choose from, not just white, and Maria Sharapova will be sporting one of her new Cole Haan Collection outfits after a match. Feel free to ask for an autograph, just don’t ask why after shoulder surgery she can’t keep her serve inside the line. One glaring problem I see is that Ralph Lauren’s logo on the linesmen’s shirts can’t be seen from space…

I’m betting that Serena Williams will be serving up the win for this tournament, but she won’t be talking about anything in any interviews…even being seated 2^nd behind Dinara Safina. You’ll have to read it in her new book, On the Line. She’s using the Open as the kick off for a big publicity tour, and you’ll have to get all your answers there.

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I’ve also discovered why the players carry those huge bags. It’s not to hold extra tennis rackets, but small dogs. Yes…dogs. Got to be small though…got to fit in the bag. Venus carries a Havanese called Harold. Serena saddles two furry friends: Jackie and Lorelei.

Last, but not least, the Mafia set up the draw so that the Williams sisters won’t play each other in the finals. Makes for better betting and better television ratings. That’s also why everyone is talking about Kim Clijsters.

What happens at the Open stays at the Open…

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