Steady yourselves, ladies. I have bad news. Tennis star and out lesbian Amélie Mauresmo formally announced her retirement yesterday. That smokin’ hot, one-handed backhander has called it quits. With tears in her eyes she emotionally admitted, “I don’t want to train anymore. I lifted trophies in every city in the world and I lived 10 magical and unbelievable years." She said she would look back on a wonderful career proudly and with no regrets. This was a hard moment coming from a woman who has been seeped in the sport since the tender age of 16, has 25singles titles and $15 million in prize money, including wins at Wimbledon and the Australian Open.
Not to be selfish, but it’s a hard moment for us too, Amélie. You arguably have the best body out there. Who are we going to look at on the court now? Lets review her stats, shall we?
She never made a big deal out of being a lesbian, and took the high road when Lindsay Davenport and Martina Hingis made crude remarks. She’s got incredible arms. Liquid velvet on the court, she drives a Harley and likes fine wine. She’s French. Think, think, think…who’s going to take her place?
How about Svetlana Kuznetsova? That last name tells me there’s a sexy accent-Russian-but we only have long-term rumors to go on as far as her being a lesbian. We’ve got to go on that, because I don’t have carnal knowledge. High cheek bones, strong Roman nose and oh yeah…she’s ranked #3 in the world.
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From here we have to resort to more and more tenuous lesbian rumors, so I’ll venture only one more name. Let’s look at Samantha Stosur. Sexy Australian accent-check. Sexy biceps and triceps-check. Currently she’s ranked #13 in singles and #7 in doubles. Bonus is that her doubles partner, Lisa Raymond is an out lesbian whether she is or not.
We’ll miss you Amélie. Your shoes, swing, smile and sex appeal will be hard to fill. Enjoy your retirement-you deserve it.
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