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Rachel Charlene Lewis is a writer, editor, and queer woman of color based in North Carolina. Her writing has most recently appeared in Ravishly, Hello Giggles, and elsewhere.
Rachel Charlene Lewis is a writer, editor, and queer woman of color based in North Carolina. Her writing has most recently appeared in Ravishly, Hello Giggles, and elsewhere.
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If you've ever hooked up with a friend only to catch feelings and not have them reciprocated (or vice versa) then you know crossing out of the friend zone and into the bedroom can be very emotionally risky.
This is why, the number one piece of advice you get when you’re considering hooking up with a friend is that it’s probably, "it's not the best idea." While some people can definitely hook up and remain platonic friends, others have a much more difficult time, especially when one person decides they don’t want to hook up anymore.
And yet, sometimes it just sort of happens...
So how do you end a hookup with a close friend when you value their friendship and don’t want to lose them completely? We’ve got a few ideas.
Your friend needs to know that they still matter, and that you weren’t just using them all along and waiting for the chance to throw them away. Instead of highlighting how good the sex was or complimenting them on their sexual abilities (seriously, avoid this as much as possible!), remind them about how much you value their friendship.
If feelings got involved, or they’re just flat-out offended, your friend may want space. After all, it’s hard to be let go, no matter what the relationship was. But don’t just disappear. The last thing you want is for your friend to feel used and ghosted. Ask them, straight up, if they need a break, or if they’re good for things to continue as normal, minus the sex. And respect whatever answer they give.
Maybe you think this will be horrible for them, but maybe they won’t even care. Either way, try to prepare yourself for their response without stressing yourself out. At the end of the day, it was just a hookup between two adults. Any issues they take with you will be on them, not you. Just be sincere and honest, and hope for the best. No need to go into panic mode.
It doesn’t benefit anyone if you “accidentally” go back to hooking up. Hook up once, and you’ll probably fall into old patterns, and old habits die hard. If you’re really committed to staying friends, try not to confuse them or throw them off. Avoid sending a mixed message by sleeping with them. If you need to hookup with someone, there are plenty of fish in the sea (who you’re not friends with)!
The most important thing is that you’re sincere. No need to backtrack if they start to get upset. If you’re ending the hookup, end the hookup. Pretending you have regrets or pretending like it was a really hard decision to come to will only make things messier. And you don’t want to make an already complicated situation even harder.
