13 'do's & don'ts' of hook-up apps every gay needs to know, according to dating experts

Don't Be "Swiped Over"

Dating apps are an excellent way to meet people, whether you're seeking a hookup, a long-term relationship, or just curious about what's out there — but using them also reveals their shortcomings as well.

For instance, they can also lead to a “tremendous amount of rejection,” Noah Heymann, a dating and relationship coach at DateCoach.com tells PRIDE. “The majority of our messages receive no response and one-third of online ‘daters’ never go on a single date.

As you may have noticed, these apps make it pretty easy to swipe without putting much thought into it, which can result in you passing by potential connections and being passed by, as well.

But don’t despair, there are things you can do, and things you can avoid to help increase our odds of making connections, meaningful or just for the night.

To help with that, PRIDE enlisted the help of dating and relationship experts for their insights on the best practices, broken down into Do’s and Don’ts for using hookup apps, to ensure you won't be swiped over.

1. Do: Show Your Face

We get it, you're nervous about putting yourself out there, but not showing your face is a great way to get passed over, warns Amber Brooks, a dating expert and editor withDatingAdvice.com.

“When I was new to online dating and set up my first profile in 2015, I had a hangup about showing my face at first,” she recalls. “I worried about being accosted or judged or, worst of all, recognized as I went about my day on a college campus.” However, when she took the leap and added clear photos of her face her success rate with matches went up. “People want to see you and make sure they're chatting with someone real, not someone with something to hide.”

In other words, “Faceless profile = Red Flag. Simple,” Anthony Canapi MFT, LGBTQ+ dating expert. Certified professional matchmaker, dating coach, and founder & CEO ofBest Man Matchmaking tells PRIDE.

Besides, if a person rejects you because of your face, they aren't worthy of your time. Show your face, own it, and be proud.

2. Don’t: Catfish

By now you’re probably familiar with the concept, but for those who have been lucky enough to have not made a match only to have a total stranger show at your date, well, Canapi breaks it down. “[It’s] impersonating a person or persona other than who you truly are,” he explains, adding that doing so is not only emotionally harmful but completely breaks the other person's trust.

Catfishing is deceptive, unfair, and surprisingly common, so you should not only avoid doing so but appear to be one. “Put away the sunglasses, the hats, or anything else that masks your appearance,” suggests Brooks. “Those things are red flags of catfish and scammers. You want to be real and use recent photos because otherwise, you're just setting yourself and your dates up for disappointment when the impression you gave doesn't match the truth of who you are now. “

Besides, Any conversation based on pretense will probably not end well, and it's foolish to think otherwise. No one likes to be led on, so be upfront and honest with people.

3. Do: Use Recent Photos

Maybe your body isn't as "hot" as you think it used to be. Posting ancient pics is nothing more than a bait and switch.

“If you are not utilizing up-to-date photos of yourself, it can come across as a ‘bait-and-switch' to who you are meeting up with,” warns Canapi. On a hook-up app, you want the person to be interested in YOU, in the present day. Use recent photos, because posting old photos is no better than catfishing.

4. Don’t: Upload Any Nudes

It's crazy that we have to tell people this in this day and age: Be careful about what you put on the internet, including on your hookup app. You never know when a glitch or a hacker could reveal photos you believed to be private. To prevent this from happening to you, it’s best not to share nudes via the app.

So what's the better nudes policy? “If you want to come across as interested in dates, not only hookups, your profile photos should be clothed, though tight-fitting for them to see whether they like your body,” suggests Heymann, “You may then choose to unlock or send individually more revealing or even nude photos depending on your comfort level, knowing that anything you send may spread.”

If and when you're ready to send nudes, exchange phone numbers, and do so there!

5. Do: Meet Up In Public

So you matched, chatted, and are ready to meet up. The question is, where? It is always best to meet in public, especially if you aren’t familiar with the area or the person you're meeting up with.

“Safety is a number one priority,” says Canapi who says meeting up in a public place to begin with is a good way to stay safe. “They allow both people to assess chemistry and comfort before things get private, and can move to either exclusivity or to the bedroom.”

Be cautious of people who insist on meeting up in private, and always make sure to text a friend or roommate the address of your meetup location before heading out. “I always let a friend know where I'm going and when I plan to check in afterward,” adds Brooks. “Don't let anyone pressure you to compromise on your comfort zone and boundaries.”

6. Don’t: Meet in Unknown Locations

Once you pick a place to meet up, make sure to scope it out beforehand. Let the person know if you aren't comfortable with the area, suggest somewhere you are familiar with, and again, text the address to a friend so they know where you are.

This is especially true for trans, nonbinary, and many more non-cis identities and expressions, says Canapi. “Safety is the biggest priority and unknown or isolated locations increase the risk of harassment, catfishing, or violence.”

7. Do: Write a Profile

Don't miss the opportunity to share a little about yourself on your profile. It doesn't need to be more than a sentence or two and is definitely worth the effort.

“Writing a profile is important, but these days, with the use of AI, you have to look at it with a little more scrutiny,” Julia Fogelson, a Certified Sex Therapist (CST) through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and Private Sugar Club board member tells PRIDE. “Try to write something that shows a feature of your personality or makes others laugh. Even a short couple of lines can really make a difference and help filter out the people you connect with and those who you don’t.”

Be humorous or sincere, talk about your hobbies or what music you like, and try your best to give others a feel for who you are. Let your personality shine through your words.

8. Don’t: Write a Book

Your profile should be thought of as an elevator speech. In 30 to 60 seconds, give the best impression of yourself you can.

“Dating profiles should contain specifics about who you are and what you want, but there is a limit. You don't need to tell your life story and mention every favorite TV show, song, or book. Just give some highlights and enough specifics to start a conversation. Too much information is just going to overwhelm and deter matches.” says Brooks.

Profiles that are too long may not get read (sorry!), and after all, don't you want to save some of the details for the in-person meet-up?

9. Do: Be Transparent

Be clear about what you're looking for. Whether you're pursuing a long-term relationship, a hook-up, a friendship, or all of the above, it is okay to be honest about it.

“Being upfront and straight to the point will save you and the other person's time,” says Canapi. Depending on what you're seeking he suggests the following examples:

-“Exploring. Open to connection with the right person. Not into rushing.”

- “Looking for fun and chemistry. Respect and safety are key.”

Be clear in your intentions, needs, and boundaries to ensure you're starting new relationships in an open and honest place.

10. Don’t: Discriminate

Far too often, people use very discriminatory language on their dating profiles and disguise it as “preference.” We’re done with that.

Although certain qualities may represent your ideal partner or hookup, it doesn’t lessen the impact those words can have on others.

“As someone who has curves in the right spots, proud of my femininity, and a proud Filipino-American, a user who describes No fats, no femmes, no Asians as a preference, news flash: it's not a preference, they’re discriminatory and dehumanizing,” says Canapi. “It reinforces shame and stigma, especially around race, expressions, and HIV status.”

If someone hits you up and you aren’t interested, just don’t respond. And it doesn't hurt to spend some time thinking about why you have these dating "preferences" in the first place.

11. Do: Ask About Status

Sexual health and responsibility are about having a conversation. Give a person the right to decide if they want to pursue sex after you have an honest discussion about risk factors, STIs, and sexual health.

“Especially within men who have sex with men, sexual health (HIV status, STI testing, PrEP, and Doxi PEP use, etc,.) is about care, consent, and community health. It’s not about shame: it’s about building a culture of informed connection,” says Canapi.

We owe it to ourselves and each other to keep sex safe.

12. Don’t: Assume Anything

Ask questions! And when you are done asking questions, ask one more. If something doesn’t feel right ask, about it.

“Don’t be afraid to ask questions,” says Canapi. “Normalize asking:

What are you into?

What does a good experience look like for you?

Are you seeing others?”

Questions equal care.”

Besides, assumptions about things can be seriously dangerous. If it seems like a catfish, question it. If someone isn’t being upfront, question it. When it meeting for a hook-up, there really is no such thing as a dumb question.

13. Do: Take breaks from the apps when you need them

Finally, even with the best practices, dating and hookup apps can feel like a major bummer. As Heymann points out,“They are run by for-profit companies who paywall some of the most important features. They allow us to filter by some things that may be important to us (e.g. their photo, height, sexual interests), but not by the more important things we'll learn only in person (e.g. how they look at, talk to, and touch us).”

And sadly they can also reinforce painful gay stereotypes says Canapi. “ Especially BIPOC and trans users, when you come across a ‘so-called gay dating app’ like Grindr or Scruff, if you do not fit the stereotype of a certain type of "gay", those who are unique face microaggressions, fetishization, or outright discrimination. Because of this, it can lead to severe health consequences a dysmorphia of not fitting in or self-esteem issues.”

This is why it's important to check in with yourself regularly to make sure that your use of them still feels healthy. “Think about how the app makes you feel. If it stops being fun and starts feeling like a 9-5, then consider cutting down or stopping,” suggests Fogelson.

The apps are a part of queer culture and do have the ability to bring us together and even help us find love. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop swiping for a bit and go touch some grass instead.

Experts cited:

Amber Brooks, a dating expert and editor withDatingAdvice.com.

Anthony Canapi MFT, LGBTQ+ dating expert. certified professional matchmaker, dating coach, and founder & CEO ofBest Man Matchmaking

Julia Fogelson, a Certified Sex Therapist (CST) through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and Private Sugar Club board member.

Noah Heymann, a dating and relationship coach at DateCoach.com.