12 Dating Dealbreakers for Gay & Bi Men

When is it time to call it quits?

In dating, there are always things we can and should compromise on – what to have for dinner, what movie to watch, etc. But some things just won’t work themselves out, especially when they relate to matters that are super important to us. We call those dealbreakers.

Dealbreaker #1: You don’t agree on monogamy

If you want to be in a monogamous relationship and your partner does not (or if you’re interested in an open relationship, but your partner is all about monogamy), you may have a problem. Granted, you partner may be willing to try something new, but if they're just not built for the kind of relationship you're looking for, this is a dealbreaker.

Dealbreaker #2: No chemistry

Do they give you butterflies? Do you find yourself drawn to them? Are there sparks? If the answer is “no” to all of these, you may want to consider if you have a good friend on your hands instead of a romantic partner.

Dealbreaker #3: Unwillingness to compromise

Relationships are all about the push and the pull. If your partner always requires things go their way, that could lead to a pretty unhealthy relationship dynamic. Make sure there’s a good balance. If not: dealbreaker!

Dealbreaker #4: Disagreement on “out” vs. “in”

Everyone should approach coming out on their own terms. But for some relationships, having one person in the closet and the other person out can cause some friction. If being out and proud is really important to you, dating someone closeted could be a dealbreaker. And on the flipside, if you’re more discreet and not ready to come out, dating someone out may not work for you, either.

Dealbreaker #5: Lack of respect

Does their sarcasm cut too deep sometimes? Do they belittle your feelings? Do they show a general lack of support for the things that are important to you? If so, it’s a definite dealbreaker! We all deserve respect, especially from a partner.

Dealbreaker #6: Abuse (of any kind)

Verbal, emotional, physical, sexual — when it comes to abuse, they’re all dealbreakers. No part of breaking cycles of abuse is simple or easy, but if you are going through it, please know you deserve so much better and seek help.

Dealbreaker #7: Unhealthy jealousy

A twinge of jealousy is natural in a relationship, but if your partner is going through your phone, constantly asking who you’re with, and repeatedly showing a lack of trust or respect for boundaries, jealousy is likely a major issue for them. And yep, you guessed it — dealbreaker!

Dealbreaker #8: Lying

We’ve all told little white lies (“Did you take the trash out?” “Um, yeah!”), but when it becomes persistent or pathological lying, especially about the big stuff, it corrodes trust. If you can’t trust your partner, it’s a lost cause.

Dealbreaker #9: Cheating

Even if you’re in an open relationship, there are still (usually) some agreed upon rules or understandings. Engaging in behavior you wouldn’t want your partner to find out about, regardless of how you define your relationship, could be considered cheating. Some people are able to forgive and forget, but for many, cheating is the ultimate betrayal of trust, and a total dealbreaker.

Dealbreaker #10: Different values

There’s no one right or wrong set of values, so if the things that are important to you just aren’t important to your partner, you may find yourselves face to face with a dealbreaker.

Dealbreaker #11: Money habits

As with all dealbreakers, there are exceptions to every rule. This is particularly true when it comes to money, but if there is serious incompatibility, disagreement, tension, or strain in your relationship over earning, spending, or saving, you may eventually need to have a very serious conversation about the future — which could result in compromise (see #4) or calling it quits.

Dealbreaker #12: They’re rude to wait staff

This is something you can usually pick up on in the first couple of dates. If they’re rude to waiters, bark at receptionists, or demean cashiers, it’s a sign they’re dealing with some major underlying issues. Dealbreaker, for sure!