Is Chick-fil-A Like Gay Sex?

At first, you’d think, as I did, that this is a piece from a serious conservative commentator. Just as in the case of a new Stephen Colbert viewer, though, it doesn’t you take long to realize that you’ve been had, that the real argument Sally Kohn makes here isn’t the one you thought it was.

In a column for The Daily Beast, Kohn, who admits she hasn’t actually tried the chicken restaurant, claims that the Chick-fil-A’s rise to become America’s most popular chicken chain is related to the company’s moving away from its traditional Biblical messaging. 

Hard-line conservative media like Breitbart.com contend that Chick-Fil-A’s ascent to number 1 chicken restaurant status is evidence of the popularity of the chain’s conservative Christian values. Kohn credibly argues, however, that it is the company’s embrace, or perhaps more accurately the acceptance, of the ever-increasing opinion of a strong majority of Americans in favor of the legalization and normalization of same-sex marriage, combined with beginning to offer healthier food choices, that may be truly responsible for the company’s recent increase in market share to surpass KFC and claim the number 1 chicken fast-food restaurant slot.

Kohn takes the piece fully into the realm of satire when she adds in the patently ridiculous claim that that obesity increases heterosexuality because when people feels sexier and more attractive, it’s more likely they’ll look to new sexual and romantic options. Given the now well-understood reality that sexual orientation is innate and not a choice, Kohn’s argument, were she not both progressive and lesbian, would read as either stunningly ignorant or an intentional attempt at conservative humor which falls flat at best.

Toward the end of the column, Kohn jokes that Chick-fil-A has risen to the top of the fried chicken pile because Americans like variety and trying new things, which is also responsible for an increase in the popularity of gay sex.

OK. look, I’ll admit it. She got me. For a minute there, I thought I was reading a serious conservative. By the end of the piece, though, I was glad she’s clearly on our side.