Palm Springs, California
Several conservative religious groups from out of state have managed to transform Dinah Shore, the world's largest lesbian gathering and event of the year, into a "Save the Gays" conversion camp. This is a shocking blow in the gay rights movement after all the progress we've made in this past year and it's really not helping Constance and her girlfriend get to prom (we were planning to fly them to Dinah as a sort of "initiation" into the lesbian community, because nothing says "lesbian" more than sneaking flasks into pool parties when you're underage).
Due to aggressive and relentless anti-gay activism by many privately funded organizations, including a group called "Lesbians are Just Confused Straight Women," the city of Palm Springs has finally been forced to relent and allow them to drastically alter the weekend we fondly call "Tha' Dinah." In order to avoid confusion, I've provided a list of activities and events that have been changed and what you ladies should expect upon arrival in the desert:
1. There will be no oil/whipped cream/chocolate sauce/ wrestling.
This violates Old Testament laws about mixing meat (women) and dairy (whipped cream). Instead, there will be inflatable pools filled with greasy naked men in an effort to arouse our buried straight tendencies.
Seriously, girls, how can you resist this guy??
He's the epitome of what a straight man should be.
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2. There will be no consuming alcoholic beverages of any kind.
Everyone knows that when women are given alcohol, they're more likely to engage in subversive, unladylike behavior, such as kissing other women, removing their bikini tops, screaming loudly and trying to have "discreet" sex in public. The gay conversion groups have even gone so far as to watch episodes of Girls Gone Wild as part of their research on the subject. They argue that because 99.9% of women on Girls Gone Wild are actually straight, the only thing that makes good college girls embrace rampant lesbianism is a few shots of tequila, so this must be avoided at all costs.
3.Performances by Ke$ha, Salt N' Pepa, Samantha Ronson, etc. have been replaced by Taylor Swift and Kris Allen.
Nothing says "straight" like these two. Taylor Swift sings about t-shirts, and fairytales, and princes and princesses, and football players and cheerleaders, and Romeo and Juliet (it doesn't matter that R&J were 13 years old when they got married, because they're straight!). I don't even know what Kris Allen sings about, but he's married, isn't he?
So it's all good. Ke$ha, on the other hand, sings about Jack Daniels, "dancing with your pants off" and staying out all night and she even said in several interviews that she is bisexual! Sound the alarm! Salt n' Pepa sings about sex...a LOT...and SamRo (who is playing at Girlbar's Dinah Shore Week) is obviously a lesbian, and clearly turned the sweet, innocent Lindsay Lohan into a confused lesbian, so she can't come either.
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4.Mariah Hanson, the founder of Dinah Shore Weekend (and the best game in town!) will be replaced with Mary Brown. You may know her from the leading gay-to-straight conversion camp, New Directions, made famous by the movie But I'm A Cheerleader. New Directions is a real camp and Mary Brown is a real person, y'all!
5.There will be a meet and greet with Glenn Beck, Mitt Romney, Fred Phelps, and Ann Coulter. This will be followed by a round of electro-shock therapy.
the therapy was designed by Phelps and Beck and is based on techniques used in World War II Nazi Germany. Basically, you will sit in a dark room and images of beautiful women will be flashed at you in sequence. Each picture will be more beautiful, and more naked, than the one before it, and each picture will be accompanied by a painful electric shock. Then you will be shown pictures of penises, followed by a soothing massage. You will emerge from the therapy ready to marry a man. (Disclaimer: They already tried this on Dick Cheney's daughter, but failed, claiming that she is just "too gay to be helped"...but they are certain that it will work on at least half of the women at Dinah)
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6.Editor-in-Chief of SheWired, Tracy Gilchrist, will be replaced with Sarah Palin.
Michalene, Shawnee, Tracy (Now that's a lesbian) and Boo at Dinah 2009
You may have already heard this, but Sarah Palin just wrote a book, which proves that she is literate and therefore has what it takes to transform the Web's best lesbian website (in my not-so humble opinion), into what it should have been all along, a Bridal Magazine for republicans.
Ms. Palin, not Tracy, will be in the SheWired poolside lounge signing books and educating the newly converted straight women on how to use birth control and condoms, or better yet, Abstinence Only, as she has so successfully preached in her own family.
7. Last, but not least, Tiger Woods will be on hand to "initiate" all the newly converted women, if you know what I mean. This is a golf tournament, after all, and as we know, Tiger loves the ladies.
Hopefully this list has adequately prepared you all for what is sure to be an unusual Dinah Shore weekend this year. Check back next week, as I will be writing an article on fun bridal shower games such as "How well do you know the bride?" and "How to please the best man."
