Gossip Girl and her Gay: Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Aniston

When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.comSenior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.comEditor-in-Chief Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along… especially when they’re getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood. This week the twosome is suffering from post-holiday malaise and extended hang-overs. First, they tackle Larry Flynt's potential porn bail-out and then it's on to --what else? -- Kate Winslet, Kelly Clarkson andThe L Word before a foray into eighties' child stars. Plus, Gwyneth Paltrow makes Ross snooze.

TEG: Okay love...So we are way off track here but I haven't had a cocktail since New Year's and I can't formulate a thought, let alone write my Media Blender. So let's just gossip.

RvM: Porn, porn, porn. why does this office talk about so much effing porn?

TEG: Ummm. Maybe because we have grown men looking at penis pics all day and that's called work.

RvM: Yeah, well, whatcha gonna do?  Someone's gotta pay the bills.

TEG: You don't see me sitting around looking at pics of naked women all day. South of Nowhere make-out mash ups are strictly work.

RvM: Um... That's a lie.  Kate Winslet spreads em and suddenly your "on lunch."

TEG: Or she lobs one out.  I'm off for a "sandwich." Anyway, I can't get stuck on the Winslet today. That's too wonderfully time-consuming. What the hell is going on in the world?

RvM: Can we start with porn? Larry Flynt's looking for an adult industry bailout. Apparently, Jenna's snatch doesn't fetch the fee it once did.

TEG: Poor Larry. Exploitation isn't working out so well. But that's the thing with porn. The shelf life is short.

RvM: It sure is. But come on. Can you imagine? the XXX March on Washington. Ron Jeremy having to huff it 5 miles while the playmates run the mall in Lucite heels. I'd die.

TEG: The broken Lee Press-Ons from lugging protest signs past the Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials.

RvM: I'd volunteer at the various water stops to fluff.

TEG: Better you than me...Maybe if you gave me a Valtrex and a Purel shower I'd be okay.

RvM: What's with you and Valtrex? Seriously. You should just tote one in your beachcomber.

TEG: Comber? What the hell? That's you at Will Rogers nude gay beach...combing for Speedos.

RvM: Beachcruiser. Don't get sassy with me, missy. You're just pissed because I can drive to Santa Monica for my filthy jollies and you have to hop a plane to Key West to sleaze it up with those nasties at Pearl's hideaway or whatever that women's resort is called.

TEG: How do you know about Pearls? I'm selling old CD's on EBay just to book a flight there.

RvM: Eh, now I need a Valtrex. Ok, on to something decidedly less nasty.  Gwyneth Paltrow. Did you see Dlisted's post on her website Goop?

TEG: Less nasty or more bland?

RvM: Both. Seriously.  she's running on and on about how people come to her because she knows all about mid century sinks and the best pate. I'm like, bitch... get over it. You know a heaping pile of shit about nothing. Why don't you make Shallow Hal 2 and be done with it?

TEG: How is it her 70-year-old mother is hotter?

RvM: Because her 70-year-old mother Blythe doesn't have the herp.

RvM: BTW....Talking about Gwyn is making me very sleepy. lkw2n2e1iwumxzzzzzzzzzzz

TEG: Wake up you lazy BITCH!

RvM: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzlk4mr2io34yourp2m,.

RvM: Oh fuck.  I had a horrific dream. I dreamt you were doing this video blog about weight loss and suddenly you're in a Jacuzzi knocking one back.

TEG: Oh... that was no dream darling. That was me and Shawnee, who's currently kicking my ass and getting me ready for  Girls Who Like Girls Who Go for Girls Gone Wild at The Dinah.

RvM: Was there a pool and water sports involved?

TEG: Let's just say I got wet.  And worked over...

RvM: Moving right along Dara Torres.

TEG: Kay...  So... a word to the wise.  Do not pop Ambien and take to the computer.   I woke up Tuesday and Lisa Whelchel had confirmed me as  a friend on Facebook and  was trying to convert me to her Evangelical faith.

RvM: Oh sweet Jesus.  Is it sad that whenever I get drunk, I find myself on Candace Cameron Bure's blog?

TEG: Well, I got toasted and ended up at an AA meeting singing "We Shall Overcome" with Jodie Sweetin.

RvM: That's just wrong... I think you beat me. The worst thing I ever did was snatch a donut from Heather Locklear's paws and run for here lounge in West Hollywood.

TEG: Was she at the meeting down the street?  You sure it wasn't a Mint Milano in her hand?

RvM: I think so. She looked kind of out of it while she tried to kick up the kickstand on her Vespa.

TEG: Ohhh. I can't. Let's move on.  Kelly Clarkson's new pics!

RvM: She looks hot. Airbrushed as all get-out, but hot.

TEG: Anything she wanted. I mean, I'm easy...but really, I'd do anything. I adore the original Idol.

RvM: What if she wanted you to be that lollipop, and she asked Pink to beat you into submission while Reba McEntire stands behind the curtain and takes pics?

TEG: I'd love it. But only if Reba and P!nk joined Dolly Parton in harmony on "Wildwood Flower" while Reba snaps away.

RvM: You lost me. You went into some lesbian fantasia world and I got trapped at the door.

TEG: Sorry it can't be Mariah, Celine, Patti LaBelle all day. I am a dyke afterall. So hey, what was that naughty little bit you sent me about Courteney Cox getting worked up over SamRon?

RvM: Oh, something about how she can't take her eyes off of her. She's not sure why, but she's just fascinated. I'm like, hey, if Arquette and Coco go out of town and Lindsay's holed up at the Chateau, Court should swing by Sam's pad and play cougar.

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(continued)

TEG: You know Aniston would fight for her woman.  I'd kind of like to see Aniston, Cox, Ronson and Lohan beat the shit out of each other Fight Club style.

RvM: Aniston's such a bottom. She'd probably crawl into the guest bath with a pint of Haagen Dazs and call John Mayer for some late night phone sex.

TEG: Speaking of Jen, how was Marley and Me? You fag. I can't believe you broke down and paid money for Jen and Owen in a dog movie just because your bf made you.

RvM: We enjoyed it. I'm a sucker for a lab who knows how to roll over and hump Rachel Green's leg. I give it two paws up.

TEG: So.... I did a phoner with Ilene Chaiken and she's talking L Word movie. Which I will elucidate on later this week in my lil' Q & A. What da ya think? Me, a bucket of popcorn and a 50-foot Beals...I might not survive.

RvM: I think its going to wind up being released into seven theatres in Reseda by Yari Film Group and die a quick death on DVD. Alright, lesbians. Ready, aim, fire at Ross.

TEG: Where's my fucking One Day at a Time play set? I was going to throw my Mackenzie Phillips doll at you!

RvM: Hahaha. I cant help you there. And if I lent you Susan Lucci's Barbie to toss at me, that would be $72.21 on eBay down the drain... and I just cant handle that.

TEG: Me either. BTW...will they be making a Tamara Braun's Reese Williams life-size doll? Just wondering.

RvM: I highly doubt it. I think the daytime drama collection went belly up when they tried to do a Deirdre Hall doll. No one cares about that plastique bitch.

TEG: Aww. My mom loves her Days of our Lives.

RvM: But, if you're game, they do have a Beatrice Arthur doll. In black.

TEG: As Maude? I can handle that era.

RvM: I think its Dorothy Zbornak era... she's in a kaftan and coulattes.

TEG: Oh hell no. I'll stick with my tired old Tomb Raider bendable posable figure.

RvM: I can only imagine the filth caked up on that thing.

TEG: Nasty! Okay... Anything else?

RvM: Unless you have something to say about Valerie Bertinelli's new Jenny Craig ad, I think we're good.

TEG: I love my Val.. She's not keeping the Chinese Restaurants in Los Feliz in business like poor ole Kirstie.

RvM: I think she probably does a drive by at Pinkberry everyday though.

TEG: Which reminds me, I think I have to hit the fucking gym.

RvM: I hit it this morning. The trainer who worked me over did two covers of the Abercrombie catalogue and was an underwear model. For lunch I had lentils, broth and a diuretic.

TEG: I just can't handle gyms.... Sweaty, grunting men. It's hell. It's like working in the same cubicle as you.

RvM: Oh don't gimme that you pig. I see you pawing at the Unzipped boy mags every time it comes off the presses. Trying to act all high and mighty. I'm sure if Brad Pitt and Christopher Meloni were doing Sense and Sensibility, the version where they rip at each others bodices, we wouldn't see you for a fortnight.

TEG: Shhh. It's my dirty secret. I'll get kicked out of my lesbian separtists' support group if anyone finds out. On that note, I have to don some Groucho Marx glasses and go underground.

RvM: Alright girl...I'm late.  I'm off to watch Caligula in blu-ray. Jealous?

TEG: Where's my copy? You promised.

RvM: Come and get it Bertha.

TEG: Is that a fat joke? Alright. I'm coming.

Missed the last Gossip Girl and her Gay? Read it here.