Award season is a time when the world celebrates Hollywood—the films, the celebs, the glamour, and the excess of it all.
The only thing we love more than living for celebs is when they get a good, well-meaning—but let’s be honest, mean—read. And this year’s Golden Globes did not let us down. When you select a roast master like Nikki Glaser to host the ceremony (seriously, if you haven’t seen her set at the Tom Brady roast, please correct that), you know nothing is off-limits and the reads will be savage.
But she wasn’t the only one to bust down the library doors. Wanda Sykes also brought the heat, reading one smug comic in absentia and another directly to his face. It was… so satisfying, and you definitely don’t want to miss it.
If you haven’t had time to watch the full ceremony, no sweat—we’ve pulled together the best, most brutal, and deliciously nasty reads of the night.
Nikki Glaser reads the Justice Department
Glaser kicked off the night by kicking things up in the most incredible—and darkest—way possible, calling out Hollywood, pedophiles, and the Department of Justice all in one brutal read.
“There are so many A-listers here,” began Glaser, “and by A-listers I mean people who are on a list that has been heavily redacted. The Golden Globe for best editing goes to the Justice Department!”
And she wasn’t done.
Nikki Glaser reads CBS News
From there, Glaser turned to calling out CBS News, which has, under newly appointed Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss, taken a decisively right-wing—some would call propagandist—turn.
“And the award for most editing goes to CBS News. Yes, America’s newest place to see B.S. news. We needed another!”
Nikki Glaser roasts Leonardo DiCaprio
While many in Hollywood took some heat from Glaser during her opening monologue, the most brutal reads were reserved for Leonardo DiCaprio and Sean Penn.
“What a career Leonardo DiCaprio has had,” began Glaser. “Countless iconic performances, you've worked with every great director, you've won three Golden Globes and an Oscar, and the most impressive thing is you were able to accomplish all that before your girlfriend turned 30. I mean it's just insane.”
Nikki Glaser reads Sean Penn
She then turned to One Battle After Another co-star Sean Penn, and what followed was savage.
“You're such an original. Everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger, meanwhile Sean Penn is like, 'What if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag?'”
Penn took the joke in stride, reacting with a mixture of shock and laughter.
“Sean I love you,” continued Glaser. “ Not only such an amazing actor but you're such a devoted humanitarian. I feel like a lot of actors talk the talk but Sean Penn will actually go to the places in the world that need help the most and he will do cocaine there. And I feel like we dont celebrate that enough. “
“And Sean, I did get permission to tell that joke from your two best friends Charlie Sheen and El Chapo. They said ‘hi.’ Blame it on them.”
Wanda shades Bill Maher to his smug face
Out and proud queer comic Wanda Sykes had the honor of presenting the award for stand-up comedy on television, and no surprise, she took the opportunity to turn it into a mini roast, saving her harshest reads for two of the nominees.
“I’m presenting the award for standup comedy on television, but first i want to give them some love,” began Sykes. First up, she turned her cutting wit to Bill Maher while the camera cut to him just in time to catch his face visibly fall in anticipation of what was to follow.
“Bill Maher, you give us so much, but I would love a little less. Just try less.”Wanda Sykes thanks the trans community on Ricky Gervais’ behalf
But her best read was a two-partner reserved for Ricky Gervais.
“Ricky Gervais, I love you — for not being here,” Sykes said. “No, I love you, Ricky, because if you win, I get to accept the award on your behalf—and you’re going to thank God, and the trans community. Ooh Ricky!”
The joke drew laughter and applause from the audience, which only grew louder when Gervais did indeed receive the award and it was Sykes who accepted it on his behalf.
“He would like to thank God and the trans community," joked Sykes.
Mark Ruffalo reads Trump for absolute filth on the red carpet
While the rest of the reads on this list were delivered with a twinkle in the eye and biting humor, this last one saw Mark Ruffalo speaking with his whole chest on the red carpet.
When asked about the pin he was wearing on his lapel, the Task actor explained:
“It’s for Renee Nicole Good who is murdered,” began Ruffalo. “We have a vice president who is lying about what's happening. We have a we're in the middle of a war with Venezuela that we illegally invaded. [Donald Trump’s] telling the world that international law doesn't matter to him. The only thing that matters to him is his own morality, but the guy is a convicted felon or convicted rapist. He's a pedophile. He's the worst human being. If we're relying on this guy's morality for the most powerful country in the world, then we're all in a lot of trouble. So this is for her. This is for the people in the United States who are terrorized and scared today. I know I'm one of them. I love this country, and what I'm seeing here happening is not America.”
