Stop Telling Trans Men How To Be Men

Before reading this article any further do a quick internet search for “transgender men”. Did the results you pull up look a little something like this?

These articles and images may be inspirational to some but I feel like these haunting headlines can insensitively replicate some of the most harmful messages that trans men receive from cis-normative media and society. It’s also harmful to cisgender allies because they are offered the impression that we somehow have a say or choose our representation in the media. Meaning, they think we all must want to be buff men who used to be women.

This type of representation may have had its time, but it needs to change.  Trans men have virtually been undetectable within widespread dialogue about trans people until recently. And it's exhausting to see some of the messages that bombard us when we are given visibility today.  In reality, not all trans men are into going to gym. Not all trans men are straight. Not all trans men are butch. Not all trans men identify as once being women. Not all trans men want surgery (top or bottom).

I recognize that my experience as a trans man is not indicative of what many trans men go through. I know that I have had some level of privilege in that I am white and in that I have been afforded access to hormones and surgery, and that I am masculine-presenting.

In many ways, I fit the mold that the mainstream media has created for the transmasculine community.  While I believe all trans men should be seen as men and visible to the world regardless of body type or if they are "non-passing," femme-presenting, gay, nonbinary, or not interested in having their shirt off, I do believe there is room for all of us.  While cisgender people want a certain kind of trans man I feel like queer/ trans/and gender non-conforming want another kind of trans man.

In many queer, feminist, and trans circles trans men are expected to reject and hate cis-normative masculine presenting standards, which is also unsettling. If a man wants to present in a more traditionally masculine way, he should be able to. I have experienced the backlash of transitioning and being a masculine man who predominantly dates women in the queer/ trans community. I have been summarized and written off as walking white male privilege and isolated in many ways. There needs to be room for all trans masculine identities. Isn’t patriarchy what boxes men into specific gender roles? Isn’t it supporting patriarchy to tell a man how he can and can not present regardless of which end of the argument it’s coming from?  Isn’t it more damaging to teach men to hate themselves for being themselves? Isn’t it supporting a hierarchy if you believe masculinity is bad and unchangeable? Presentation should not be important. How a person behaves and holds himself accountable is what’s essential.

So, trans men are constantly faced with battling insecurities. Either they “man up," get buff, and possess natural sex appeal or they turn off all that is masculine to keep in order to their male privilege in line. There really is room for a middle ground and I am demanding that all of us take a look at our preconceived notions of what is masculine and who is male? We aren’t all buff. We aren’t all rejecting traditional masculine concepts, and you know what? That’s fucking beautiful- so make room for us.