During and after the coming-out process, it’s common for bisexuals to receive comments founded in assumptions and stereotypes.The most prevelant are A) bisexuality is a phase, a stepping-stone to eventually “picking a side,” and B) bisexuals are incapable of being monogamous.
Like all stereotypes, they are stereotypes for a reason. Some people use bisexuality as a stepping-stone to coming out as gay, while others embrace polyamory. As a bisexual woman, I don’t want people to assume I fit these stereotypes because of my sexuality.
Within the bisexual community, we talk about feeling angry when someone uses our identity as a stepping-stone, or attaches bisexuality to polyamory.
We shouldn’t be mad at the stepping-stoners people or those who identify as bi and don't like monogamy. We should be mad at those who assume all bisexuals are polyamorous, or will identify as gay ... one day.
Identity is fluid, anyway. It’s ever changing. Who’s to say that someone who identified as bi and later came out as gay/lesbian wasn't bisexual? We can change our identities. So why can’t someone be bi now and gay later, or bi now and straight later?
Coming out is hard. It’s scary. We never know what’s going to happen; I support everyone in the process of coming out. My instinct is to fight using bisexuality as a stepping-stone. My identity is real, and people who use it as a stepping-stone undermine its validity.
Maybe the people undermining the validity of bisexuality are those who take one person's reality and apply it to everyone who identifies as bisexual.
When I was a sophomore in high school, a senior came out as bisexual. They were popular, so the news spread like wildfire. Later, I learned they came out again as gay. We lived in a conservative area and, perhaps, bisexuality offered a somewhat happy medium for this person to feel more comfortable coming out as gay.
I feel content being angry with the narrow-minded people who apply this example to an entire community. Narrow-mindedness is aggravating; someone trying to find their truth is understandable.
What about the polyamorous people? Surely, if we don’t get to be mad at the stepping-stoners, we get to be mad that them, right? No.
My friend Royce is bisexual. Royce and I are both attracted to more than one gender. We think Chris Pratt and Scarlett Johansson are dream threesome material. We agree on many things, but I prefer monogamy and he prefers polyamory. My partner and I are monogamous. Royce and his partner are polyamorous.
Royce says he’d miss the gender(s) he’s not dating, and would need to go outside the relationship to satisfy his needs.
When we discussed this topic, my bisexual instincts told me to roll my eyes at him, and I did. He's perpetuating a stereotype. When he talks about his polyamorous relationship, people immediately assume it's because he's bisexual.
Here’s the thing: some people don’t want to be monogamous, and many identify as bisexual before coming out as gay. But, there are plenty of monogamous bisexuals who never stepped off the bisexual stone.
When someone tells you they identify as bisexual, take their word for it and ask them what that label means. Like everyone else, all bisexuals are different.
Don’t buy into stereotypes; bisexual stereotypes are bullshit and critical thinking always wins.
