Ah, the holidays. That magical time of year when we stuff ourselves as if we’re going into hibernation, play/watch football, drink lots of wine, and, if you’re my ex-girlfriend, get outed by your mother to your entire family. But that was three years ago and would take a whole other column to tell the story.
This year, as I nurse my third major hangover of the season, I’ve been thinking about what I, as a lesbian, could not possibly live without, and in the spirit of the holidays decided to compile a top ten list. I’m trying to stay as far away from stereotypes as possible so flannels, Birkenstocks, mullets, Tevas, cats, Katherine Moennig, and women’s basketball are not on my list. However I think I (along with the help of some of my friends who I annoyed with questions) have come up with quite a good mix, so here goes:
10. Free City
Although quite possibly the most expensive hoodies and sweat pants on the planet, Free City is something we all should be grateful for. First of all it is lesbian owned, designed, and operated. The owner Nina Garduno’s girlfriend is Leisha Hailey a.k.a. Alice Piezecki (which is why every character on The L Word at some point or another was sporting the brand). Plus, how cute are lesbians in sweats? I think there is nothing more adorable than the woman you love walking around the house in a cute pair of sweat pants and a hoodie, whether she is cooking breakfast, reading a book, or writing emails, there’s just something about the laidback style that is so sexy. The super-funky and artsy supershop in Malibu is the only place that carries this label besides Ron Herman in L.A., so if you’re not from here, make one of your L.A. lezzies ship you a hoodie. Not to mention, they look smoking on Kate Moennig.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
9. Beer
This may sound like a given on this top ten list (I almost wrote “lest”…hmm) but it’s actually very special. You see, beer is really, really good. It is the perfect cold, refreshing drink for just about any occasion, except occasions in which you are already cold (in which case I would recommend whiskey, and in which case you are only allowed to drink Johnny Walker Black; Jack Daniels is a homophobic company, I’m not making this up!) If you still aren’t convinced, watch this commercial, it will make your little lesbian heart happy.
Anyway. Beer tastes great and pairs well with tons of foods (or just, you know, more beer). Straight girls and gay boys tend to shy away from beer because it packs on calories, causes bloating, makes them “feel fat,” seems like too much of a “guy drink,” etc. but us lesbians have none of these problems. None! Some lesbians are blessed with unusually high metabolisms. Maybe it’s because we have more testosterone? Maybe it’s ‘cause we have to actually try during sex? Maybe I’m just making this all up and possibly offending lots of people? Regardless, I have noticed that many gay girls are naturally thin/toned/athletic/tall and I have no idea why this is, I just appreciate the hell out of it. And this musculature and metabolism allows us to guzzle as much brewsky as possible. I know, I know I’m generalizing, but still. So drink up ladies! You’ll be burning it off in no time!
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
8. Sarah Waters
When I took my first ever queer literature class at UCLA, I was astonished to realize that there was this whole world of lesbian writings that I had never heard of, and that Sarah Waters was the queen of said world. I haven’t read all of her books, but Tipping the Velvet and Fingersmith (get the double entendre? It means thief…and….) were like my second and third, vicarious, coming-out stories. Seriously, ladies, read them. Read them before you watch the excellent mini series’ that the BBC made of both of them.
Tipping, especially, is the kind of book that makes you stay up all night reading and then wake up your girlfriend at 4 o’clock in the morning, if you know what I mean. The protagonist, Nan, goes through hell and back (and has a lot of sex) during her journey of self-discovery. Plus, she looks really hot in drag. Fingersmith is even more gripping, though the love scenes are more innocent because the girls are younger. It’s what your coming-out story would have been had your first girl crush also involved murders, orphans, betrayals, madhouses, pornography, and all other sorts of Victorian debauchery. And after you read these books, you are allowed to watch the movies. Cheers!
These clips are spoiler-ish, so don’t watch them if you want to be surprised!
Tipping the Velvet
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
Fingersmith
7. Options
Ok, I know I said this list was for lesbians, but we’ve got bisexual and bi-curious readers too! And to you girls, I give you…options! Allow me to explain.
There is a bizarre paradox that exists within American culture. While viewers love to see gay men squabbling and giving endless fashion advice on TV, they cannot stomach what these same men do to each other in the bedroom (remember that whole scandal with Adam Lambert at the AMA’s? Janet Jackson shoved a male dancer into her crotch that night too…no one remembers this, ’nuff said).
Conversely, Americans think it’s no big deal if Britney/Madonna/Christina decide to spontaneously make out on stage, but that’s just ‘cause these ladies actually like penis, so no worries right? Has anyone else noticed that while Ugly Betty’s coworker stays gay for the entire series, every lesbian character in prime time eventually realizes that their Sapphic tendencies are “just a phase?" Also, while the American public can’t handle watching gay boys kiss ‘cause it makes them think of gay sex and gay sex makes them think “ick!” they can handle watching women make out with, well, anyone.
Why? The unfortunate truth seems to be that the American public is not scared of lesbian sex because they cannot conceptualize lesbian sex -- the most informed among them seem to think we do a combination of scissoring and scratching each other with our acrylic nails. Therefore, because it is something straight people cannot imagine, lesbian sex becomes about as frightening as unicorns and Santa Claus. Sad, but true.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
Well, ladies, instead of fighting this supremely annoying stereotype, I say embrace it. And no, I am not trying to tell you all that you are just in a phase. If that were the case, my mother would be very elated right now. What this does mean, however, is that the only thing we seem to have on gay boys is that we’re allowed to kiss our love interests publicly. So if you want to kiss a guy in the pub, go for it! You will not get punched out at the bar. And if you kiss a girl in public, you will also not get punched out at the bar. You will simply end up with a gaggle of straight men ogling you. And you can make out with not only lesbians, but straight girls! If you have not done this already, you should try it. You will be astounded to find out just how many straight girls are totally curious and willing and just need that tiny extra push. This is not to say that they will stay in lesbo-mode, but it’s still fun. You might even be able to get away with having lesbian sex in public. No one knows what it is anyway, the other people on the bus would probably think you girls are just sharing a very hysterical story and doing your secret handshake under that jacket. The moral of this story? People are hot, so if you like men and women, you can have double the fun and none of the consequences. Happy trails!
6. Straight Men
This may seem like a very strange addition to a lesbian top 10 list. Straight men are the enemy, right? Many of you are probably thinking this as you read. Well, in many ways I agree with you. We wouldn’t even have the word “rape” in our lexicon if it weren’t for straight men, not to mention a number of other disgusting and unmentionable practices/concepts they are responsible for. However, straight men run the world. Again, a shitty thing to think about. So what, Katie, is the silver lining here?
Well, since straight men run the show and straight men love beautiful women, our daily lives are full to the brim with…beautiful women! Being constantly bombarded with images of hot girls is something all lesbians, no matter how fervent their aversion of men, can be thankful for. If there were no straight men there would be no Maxim, Playboy, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, etc. There would be no Victoria’s Secret catalog because there would be no need for lingerie (think about why straight women buy sexy underwear). There would be no objectification of women whatsoever, and, let’s be honest, who among us has not looked at another woman as a hot piece of ass at least once? I am aware that at this point, my list is becoming highly controversial, but let’s be real here.
Aside from providing us with nonstop images of beautiful women, straight men are actually useful for a variety of other things. They are great fathers, brothers, best friends, wingmen -- if they’re cool enough -- and are always down to hit the slopes, play in the mud, check out girls and chug beer. And you will never have to sit and listen to them chatter endlessly about boys, shoes or the subtle difference between two shades of Mac eyeshadow (now I happen to love Mac eyeshadow, but sometimes I just wanna throw a damn football). Not to mention straight men manufacture sperm, those helpful little cells that every lesbian wannabe parent needs. We can’t get rid of straight men unless we put all the Brazilian models on the moon and provide the dudes with transportation and oxygen, so until that day happens, we’re just going to have to peacefully coexist. And secretly thank them for finding Adriana Lima.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
5. Facebook
Yes that is a screen shot of my Facebook page. Four years ago it did not look like this. There was even a time when it said that I was interested in (gasp!) men. There was even a time when Facebook did not exist! And!
Anyway. Why should lesbians be thankful for Facebook? Because unfortunately no one walks around with rainbows stamped on their foreheads. No matter how good our gaydar may be, it’s always much better to see that “interested in women” thing to be sure.
Let me share a little story with you. Three and a half years ago, when I was fresh outta the closet, it dawned on me that my then-girlfriend was the only other lesbian I knew in the entire world. As much as I absolutely adored her, a part of me knew that I would need other gay ladies in my life, for the camaraderie, sense of belonging and all-girl sleepovers. Only problem was, I had no idea how to find any real, live lesbians at UCLA. I mean, there were girls in my class who gave off crazy vibes but there was no way to be absolutely certain, and I didn’t want to get it wrong. Nothing scares a straight girl more than a lesbian assuming she’s gay. One day I was procrastinating a paper and doing random Facebook searches instead. Before you all start calling me a stalker, think about what you have done on Facebook. Ok.
I decided to search specifically in the UCLA network for “Women who are interested in Women who like Regina Spektor.” Not sure why I chose that last criterion, but it certainly narrowed down the results. One of the girls I stumbled upon as I was vaguely browsing through profiles caught my attention because not only was she an English major -- like me --her work info said that she was an intern for The L Word. I sent her a message saying, “Hey I know I don’t know you, but it’s rad that you work for The L Word, my girlfriend and I love that show!” I got a reply that read: “Excuse me, I know every lesbian at UCLA and I do not know you or your girlfriend, so that needs to change.”
She and I have been friends ever since. Through her I met her then-girlfriend, who is now my roommate. Then I met my roommate’s other ex and now we are good friends too. Facebook was also the method through which one of my ex’s old acquaintances reconnected with her while she was going through the coming out process. And then she became my friend too. And thus, through a series of exes and Facebook connections, my lesbian friendships were begun.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
If you are fortunate enough to be out to your friends and family, then Facebook is a great place for you to be yourself, join gay groups, meet other lesbians, send your friends rainbow bumper stickers, organize rallies and protests, and stay informed. It has been an invaluable resource in the current marriage equality fight and hopefully it will keep helping us in the future. Not to mention the funny targeted ads that I get along the border of my page telling me to meet gay singles and go on the Sweet Cruise. This is how I ended up with my “Marriage is So Gay” t-shirt. See?? Facebook, while also the outlet for many a homophobe, has become a safe space for queers and their friends, as long as we keep the weirdos out of our friends lists! I’ll leave you with this, a quote from one of my late-night bloggings:
The internet, cyberspace, is just an extension, a further dimension of human consciousness anyway. I want my thoughts to be held here is this electromagnetic fabric, safe from the pyres of book burnings and witch hunts that seek to destroy that which is beautiful in its defiance.
4. High Heels
I know lesbians are supposed to be tough and all but, come on, how can you look at those stunning shoes and not implode a little bit inside? Lesbians love high heels. Feminine girls love wearing them, strutting around and dancing their asses off in hot shoes, while butch women love staring at the femmes in said hot shoes. Bi girls love to wear them, straight girls like lesbians in heels, and short girls love the height they provide. It’s a win-win situation, and, let’s face it, who hasn’t had a sex fantasy that involved nothing but a pair of Jimmy Choos or Christian Louboutins? (On you or on her or on both of you, you get the idea).
Smokin’ hot sky-high heels are not just for straight women anymore. And while many women complain that high heels were invented by men to make us incapacitated, incapable of running away, mere sex objects, and subjected to a lifetime of back and foot problems, I am not totally buying that. Many gay girls will bear the pain because they want to look sexy, and they certainly aren’t doing it for any man’s benefit. So if you can afford it, go splurge a little and get yourself a pair. And you don’t need to drop a grand to look stunning, Urban Outfitters has hot shoes on sale all the time. Go forth and be sexy!
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
3. Europe
When it comes to loving the gays, Europe is leaps and bounds ahead of the United States. Maybe it’s because Europe wasn’t founded on Puritanical values, or maybe it’s because they seem to enjoy a much higher quality of life over there, or maybe it’s their amazing wine, but either way, Europeans by and large are much friendlier when it comes to accepting gays and giving us our rights.
As state after state in the U.S. rejects legalized gay marriage because of “the children” and “the Bible” (I put these in quotes because to my knowledge, neither the tenants of Christianity nor the sexuality of children are threatened by two loving people marrying each other) more and more European countries are jumping on the rainbow bandwagon. So far we have legal gay marriage in Sweden, Norway, the Netherlands, Belgium, and Spain. Countries such as Iceland, France, Denmark, Norway, and Portugal have laws on the books that give civil unions almost the same rights as marriages (in some countries, all the rights). I lived in Barcelona for six months and saw the poppin’ gay scene in full force (sadly, I was still a raging closet case at this point and pretended to like Spanish men, but seriously, Spanish women are some of the hottest in the entire world).
So to sum up: European girls are really beautiful, European food is to die for, and everyone is happy, less stressed out, granted much more vacation time, and better dressed. Looking pretty good over there. Now all we have to do is go get dual-citizenship!
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
2. South of Nowhere
I feel like at this point, we’ve talked about The L Word enough, so I’d like to bring to your attention this little unsung hero of a lesbian show: South of Nowhere. Friday nights on The N (Noggin, the Nickelodeon for teens, now TeenNick) was the place to be, and even though it only lasted for three short seasons (Arrested Development anyone? What is WRONG with the American public??) this show captured the hearts of millions.
The main storyline centers around the growing attraction and love between the two female leads, Spencer and Ashley, but it is a hard-hitting show in a number of ways. I seriously cannot think of a politically/socially sensitive issue that wasn’t tackled in this series, from racism to gang violence to drug abuse to adoption to religion to homophobia, this show covers it all. At its core, however, is a sweet and realistic look at the terror/euphoria associated with a gay girl’s first lesbian relationship, and all the drama and heartbreak that ensues.
With all the grittiness and glamour of Los Angeles as the backdrop, South of Nowhere explores everything from first kisses to coming out to your uber-Catholic mom, to bi-sexual phases, to admitting who you really are, and it definitely conjures up the little scared closeted girl many of us used to be. Also, Mandy Musgrave is hot, Gaby Christian is adorable, the theme song is catchy and you’ll eventually get used to the youth-centered cinematography (i.e. jump-cutting). If you haven’t seen this show already, rent it or buy it on iTunes. It’s worth every penny.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
1. Automatic Birth Control
Y’know how the gay-haters say things like we’re evil because we don’t produce children? They seem to have missed the memo on a very important reality with respect to gay people: just because we don’t procreate with each other does not mean that we can’t have kids. Gay people are, in fact, quite fertile, and in all honesty should probably be the poster children for Planned Parenthood. We have no need for abortions, birth control, or any other method of keeping away unwanted pregnancy. When we decide we want a child, we have to go through a multi-step, carefully constructed process, and in no way could our children be “accidents.” It’s oddly freeing. As I sit and listen to my straight girlfriend freak out about that one time she didn’t use a condom and “Oh my god am I PREGNANT?” I smile inwardly knowing that, despite all of society’s cruelty towards who I am, this, at least, will never be an issue for me. So what does this mean? Well for one, it means we’ll never be glaring hypocrites like Sarah and Bristol Palin. It also means that we can have as much sex as we want and unless our girlfriend is capable of inducing Immaculate Conception, we can be 100 percent sure that none of these romps will result in unwanted pregnancy. So go grab your girlfriend and have as much sex as possible! You can always make the baby later down the line.
And with that I conclude my list. Love it, hate it, no matter how you feel about it, I hope at least one item on here appealed to you. So happy holidays to you all, and make sure to get a hot female to kiss you at midnight on New Year's Eve 2009! Cheers.
Get more of Katie's lesbian culture and entertainment here!
Follow SheWired on Twitter!
