Why Playing Hard to Get Never Works

How many times have you heard this bit of relationship advice? Ten, 20, maybe even 30 times? Friends constantly tell us to play hard to get, especially when we’re in our teens. For good reason, it can work. There’s even some social psychological research illustrating how uncertainty heightens romantic attraction and hypothesizing the reasons why that might be the case. The researchers noted that when you’re uncertain if someone likes you (as opposed to knowing that he does), you tend to think about him more. Thinking about your crush more increases your attraction to them. Why are people thinking about their crushes more? Well, it’s impossible to know definitely, but it could have to do with thinking that this person is “out of their league” and so dating them would mean they’re “dating up.” Or it could have to do with the thrill of the chase. It’s probably different for everyone.

As a young man in high school and college, I played hard to get all the time. I waited to text back. I would pretend to have plans when I didn’t. I wouldn’t be direct. But as a man in his mid-twenties, I can tell you why the research is wrong (or rather, the important factors it overlooks) and why playing hard to get in your twenties and thirties may land you a one-time lay, but nothing more.