I am going to attempt to tackle the impossible, elusive question that so many of us have: "How can I have a real friends with benefits relationship? Is it even possible?"
If you’re jealous, insecure, and don’t communicate, then no, I don’t think it is possible for you. But for some of us, it's totally possible to be in a happy and fulfilling friends-with-benefits relationship. So here are 7 tips to help you master it!
You are first and foremost friends. Not need-fulfilling machines. Not sex robots without emotions. Both you and he deserve respect and honesty.
My friends will tell me stories about when their FWB will do something awful to them. They’ll then justify their FWB’s actions, saying, “Well we’re not dating, so like, I guess it’s fine.” No, it’s not fine. Would it be okay if a friend did this to you? No. Then it’s definitely not okay if a friend who’s sticking his penis up your butt does this to you.
Do you expect texts periodically? Do you want to go on a “date” when you see him, or just get straight down to business? Do you talk about other people you’re dating? Do you expect to see him on a monthly basis or just when you’re both free? Now, you don’t need to sit him down and ask all these questions at once (that’ll definitely scare him off). But after a couple times of hooking up, I think it’s fair to ask, “Hey, what are you looking for out of this? I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page, but I just want to make sure.”
Two sides of the same coin. Be upfront about what you want, and what you are willing to give him. It’s not only important that your needs are met, but that his are, too.
There are some people I wear condoms with. There are some people I don’t. Regardless, everyone I’m sleeping with knows about my sexual activity. The ones I don’t wear condoms with are aware of the risk of acquiring STIs. We’re not so much worried about HIV, because both me and male partners are on PrEP, but yes, there absolutely is a risk for other STIs when I don’t wear a condom. All parties involved know the risk.
I know it’s tough. I know you’re putting yourself out there and he very well may say, “I don’t see you in that way. I’m sorry,” but it’s something you have to do. Otherwise things will get messy. You or he will get hurt. And the FWB relationship will inevitably crash and burn.
Some last for as little as few weeks, other FWB relationships last a year. Seldom do they last forever. Either one person gets more serious with someone else. Or you get bored of each other. Or one of you wants something more. When the FWB relationship has run its course, let it. Don’t try to make it go on any longer than it should.
We always say actions speak louder than words. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I would say this is true. But sometimes (especially with FWB), it’s actually not the case. When you’re with him, it may feel like you’re boyfriends and everything is lovey-dovey. Then he tells you that doesn’t want anything serious. Then you’re like, “But wait, you just acted like we were in love.” Take his word that he doesn’t want anything serious, not his actions.
Sometimes we get caught in the moment and get excited, but then afterwards, we realize that we don’t want something more serious. If he says that, believe him, even if his actions tell you otherwise.
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