How do you know what you know about Sapphic sexuality? For many, it really does come down to how it is portrayed in popular media. While those depictions are getting better (we’re still not over that incredible bathroom scene in Love Lies Bleeding) more often than not the fullness and reality of lesbian sex is still not exactly on display.
In large part it's because we live in a fabulously patriarchal society that's not exactly all about women’s empowerment, to say the least. So, we find ourselves in a place where women’s pleasure is rarely (if ever) centered around conversations about sex. More often than not, it’s focused on the gratification of men.
And that’s just where the misconceptions begin. So to help debunk these wrong ideas, PRIDE spoke with licensed sexologist and relationship therapistSofie Roos, and coming out coachAnne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div. for their help in tearing down the infamous misconceptions concerning Sapphic hookups.
1. All we do is go down on each other.
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If movies are anything to go by, there are really only two things that Sapphics do with one another in the boudoir (don't worry we’ll get to scissoring) and that's of course cunnilingus. And sure, that's a part of how we get down but as Roos tells PRIDE, lesbian sex is multifaceted. “ Many women prefer the intimacy of face to face sex and sometimes with oral sex the partner is too distant,” she explains.
The truth is, it’s all about exploration, adds Zanzal, “The woman's body is amazing, and has plenty of erogenous zones that can be stimulated in a variety of ways, both with the hands, tongue and with the help of oils, sex toys and tools. To say that lesbian sex only is about oral is as dumb as saying that gay sex only would be about blowjobs, or only about anal sex,” she tells PRIDE. We concur.
In other words, there’s no rulebook that says queer girls have to go down on each other all the time. Some people really don’t like it at all, and that’s fine. No one has sex the same way! That’s why it’s so fun to talk about.
2. Oh, and scissoring. So much scissoring.
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Is scissoring a thing? Yes of course, but it's just one of the many ways lesbians can and do have sex — and it doesn’t work for everyone. So why is it so overly representative in Sapphic sexual depictions? “This is the trope of all tropes because it is the heteronormative idea you have to have your genitals together for “real sex” to occur,” explains Zanzal. “ Yes, there are people who are genetically blessed and have exposed clitoris that can be stimulated this way. But most folks have a clitoris that is covered by the labia and it would be challenging to receive pleasure from this type of stimulation,” she explains. So yeah, some couples swear by it, and others try it and just end up laughing and doing something else. But, if you like scissoring on the menu, then by all means, choose from it once in a while.
3. We do it for dudes.
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No, in fact, “men have nothing to do with it. That is what makes it so amazing,” says Zanzal.“No, people are lesbians because that’s their real sexuality, and because they enjoy being intimate as well as being in a relationship with other fellow people with vulvas, and even though some people in the sex industry play lesbians to please your fantasies, I can ensure you that a majority of the lesbian sex happens when no man is watching!” adds Roos. In other words, we do it for ourselves. Next question.
4. Strap-ons are an urban legend.
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Whenever straight people ask me about strap-ons, they whisper the word like they’re telling me a spooky myth they heard about once over a campfire. Some people love strap-ons, says Zanzal. “Toys, such as a dildo, used for strap-on sex, can be a part of lesbian sex. Not all lesbians use toys, but many women find pleasure and fun with penetrative sex with their partners. The best part is that, for some couples, each woman can take turns being the giver.” So, If you’re so curious, give ‘em a shot!
5. One of us is constantly wearing a snapback.
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This is a funnier one, but for whatever reason there’s this idea that, in a queer couple, one person must wear a snapback. There’s nothing wrong with snapbacks. I think they’re hot. But they aren’t required for orgasms, cool as they may be.
6. We always orgasm.
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I’m going to let you in on a secret: the idea that all queer girls do is have sex and orgasm for hours on end and never have bad, awkward, stumbly sex? It’s a total, gigantic lie. We may both be women, but that doesn’t mean we’re mirror images of each other. Not all women are the same or react the same way to certain stimuli. Bodies don’t all get down with the same-sex stuff, and some people like things that other people would never, ever try. Just like other couples, women who date women have to take time to figure out what the other person likes.
However, we do orgasm more than our straight, cis, counterparts. “Research proves this,” says Zanzal. “Women pay attention and they know what pleases their partners, she adds. “Also orgasms sometimes are not the goal, but pleasure and physical intimacy are what couples are seeking. Pleasure can exist even when an orgasm doesn’t occur.”
7. We’re anti-penis.
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Alright, it’s time to talk about this. A lot of lesbians in the media (and, well, in real life) like to joke about how much they just hate penises and how they’re just so gay they’d never be able to get down with dick. But the issue here is that it’s transphobic as hell to act like all women have vaginas, and only men have penises. No one’s saying that you have to sleep with anyone you don’t want to have sex with, but we’ve got to stop running around badmouthing penises all the time. They’re just genitals! They didn’t do anything wrong.
Plus, this perpetuates the idea that all queer women are lesbians. Some of us are ace, some of us are bi, some are pan, some are just plain ol’ queer, etc... We’re complex, and we’ve got to stop perpetuating weird BS like this.
8. We’ve never been with a guy.
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Going off of that last point, not all queer women are only interested in having sex with women. Some of us have had sex with men. Some of us have had sex with non-binary and genderqueer people. Some of us have never had sex with anyone but women, but still ID as bi or pan. It’s valid, regardless.
No matter how we get down and dirty, we’re who we say we are. Trust us. No one is any less queer because of how they get laid.
9. Lesbian Bed Death is inevitable
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If you enjoy Sapphic sex chances are you've at least heard of, if not experienced, the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death. Listen it happens but you are far from doomed from it and that it is something only queer women experience is a major misnomer.
“Sexual bed death happens in all long-term relationships,” says Zanzal. “Many straight couples sleep apart or don’t have sex for years. We don’t talk about that very much in our culture. Sexual intimacy has to be nurtured once the bloom of newness is gone.”
How to avoid it all about making sex a priority in your relationship she adds. “Whether straight or gay, is important to prevent the dying of this very special irreplaceable intimacy between two partners. My wife and I have been together for eight years and we make this part of our relationship a priority because we find everything is better between us when we experience regular sexual intimacy. There is nothing better than desiring your partner.”
Experts cited:
Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist and relationship therapist & author at Passionerad
It’s impossible to contain the entirety of important queer women from history in one article on the internet, but we’ve selected the top 15 to go into detail on below. From bisexual Roaring Twenties music icons who moonlighted as spies to the first American woman in space, they represent the very meaning of aspirational — and transformational.
1. Josephine Baker
One of the most important figures of the early 20th century, Josephine Baker had a huge impact in matters involving race and gender — and looked fantastic doing it; so much, in fact, that she became an icon of the Roaring Twenties with her fashion. But beyond being an eye-catching, multi-talented entertainer, Baker was someone who stood up for others and took decisive action when it came to protecting them. Case in point: She aided the French resistance during World War II and continually put her life on the line to help liberate her adopted country. Later, Baker became deeply involved in the Civil Rights Movement, speaking at Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s side and later being approached to lead the movement after King’s assassination. Although she was married four times, each to a man, Baker was bisexual and her liaisons with other women are rumored to have included the likes of French author Colette and Frida Kahlo.
2. Sally K. Ride
When it comes to breaking barriers, there are few more impressive than escaping Earth’s atmosphere as the first American woman in space. That’s what Sally Ride did, in addition to being the youngest U.S. astronaut to enter orbit. A physicist by profession, Ride was 32 when she rode into space aboard the Space Shuttle Challenger mission STS-7 in 1983. She participated in further missions and research during her remaining time at NASA. After her death from pancreatic cancer in 2012, it was learned that Ride had been in a relationship with a woman, Tam O’Shaughnessy, for 27 years.
3. Stormé DeLarverie
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Biracial butch lesbian drag king Stormé DeLarverie was much more than just a fantastic entertainer. DeLarverie is believed to have been central to the Stonewall riots, as she was identified by multiple witnesses as the woman who NYPD officers struck in the head with a police baton and threw violently into the back of a police wagon. She fought back and the crowd who’d been watching had finally had enough. DeLarverie remained active in the Gay Liberation movement after Stonewall, in addition to helping battered women and children in need while working as a bouncer in the city’s gay clubs, reportedly well into her eighties.
4. Bessie Smith
Known as the Empress of the Blues, Bessie Smith was the most revered woman vocalist creating blues music during the 1930s. Bisexual, she married her husband in 1923 but was involved with several women during the course of her career, which was cut short in 1937 when she was killed in a car crash at the age of 43. Smith’s legacy has been honored in many ways over the years, including her induction into the Grammy Hall of Fame.
5. Florence Nightingale
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A hugely important individual in medical history, Florence Nightingale came to be renowned during and following the Crimean war for establishing the basis of modern nursing, such as the importance of sterile environments and keeping wounds clean. Nightingale was born into a well off lifestyle, but preferred to help those in need while involving herself in social reform around sex work and the roles of women in the workplace. She never married, although several men courted her, and is self identified as lesbian from her personal correspondence. As if her medical proficiency weren’t enough, Nightingale was also an adept statistician who is credited for the invention of the infographic.
6. Audre Lorde
An amazing example of intersecting identities, Audre Lorde was an American writer and poet who identified strongly as a Black feminist lesbian, referring to herself as a “Black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet.” Lorde blazed a trail of Black female empowerment before passing away from breast cancer far too early in 1992. She must be remembered as a resilient civil rights activist who immortalized herself in her poetry.
7. Marsha P. Johnson
Gay rights activist and drag artist Marsha P. Johnson holds a legendary place in queer history. When the police raided the Stonewall Inn in New York on June 28, 1969, it's Johnson who's credited with throwing the first brick (though there is some debate about that, see below) at the police that would lead to the now legendary Stonewall Riots. This event would become the first domino falling in the gay rights movement. We literally wouldn't be where we are today without the bravery and justified rage of this queen.
8. Sylvia Rivera
Sylvia Rivera, a transgender activist, was one of the first women to throw a bottle at the Stonewall Inn raid in 1969. Rivera was a founding member of the Gay Liberation Front and the Gay Activists Alliance. A pioneer of transgender rights, she was once quoted saying “Hell hath no fury like a drag queen scorned.”
9. Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres used her platform as a popular talk show host to be unapologetically out and proud. She continues to stand for LGBT rights next to her beautiful wife, Portia de Rossi, whom she wedded in California in 2008.
10. bell hooks
bell hooks (a stylized pen name for Gloria Jean Watkins) is the author of a multitude of books and articles on feminism, including Feminism Is for Everybody and Ain’t I a woman?: Black Women and Feminism. In her feminist theory work, bell hooks addresses race, class, and gender and has contributed greatly to the expansion of the ideas of intersectionality, queerness, and social activism.
11. Laverne Cox
Another entertainer, Laverne Cox has been one of the most prominent transgender actresses perhaps to this day. After gaining popularity for playing a transgender woman on Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black, she began to use her voice to speak out for the transgender community.
12. Edie Windsor
When Edie Windsor’s wife died (they were married in Canada), she sued the federal government for the over $360,000 she was made to pay in estate taxes. This led to one of the most significant marriage equality supreme court cases—the overturning of the Defense of Marriage Act. When the Supreme Court justices ruled 5-4, Windsor’s case was the first time a same-sex marriage was recognized in the United States.
13. Frida Kahlo
Mexican artist Frida Kahlo is an extremely important feminist figure. Though she was born in the early 1900’s, she was openly radical, spoke out about being disabled after a bus accident, and took both male and female lovers. Her many self-portraits comment on the female form and utilize traditional Mexican themes and colors.
14. Eve Sedgwick
Well-known by any Women’s Studies major, Sedgwick is a matriarch of queer theory. She is perhaps best known for her work, the Epistemology of the Closet in which she explores the meaning of hetero and homosexuality and how queerness exists as a separate, less restricting entity.
15. Ani DiFranco
With more than 20 albums, Ani DiFranco is a feminist music legend. DiFranco has been political and justice-oriented since the start of her career (she started her own record label at age 18). She has addressed social inequalities such as homophobia, racism, and reproductive rights in her music as well as in activism and political support.
Every woman has their mottos and mantras that get them through tough times and everyday life. It’s not easy being bold and fierce all the time, but somehow we all make it. Check out some inspirational quotes by queer women and ENBYs who have gone above and beyond to reach their dreams!
MJ Rodriguez
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"I'm obviously fighting for my community simply because I'm trans, and I have to do that, and I do it because that's my existence. I wake up in the morning, and that is my activism."
Hayley Kiyoko
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“Just because I’m gay, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to sing at the top of my lungs all over the world and be able to achieve those dreams.”
Brittney Griner
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“I am a strong, black, lesbian woman. Every single time I say it, I feel so much better.”
Drew Barrymore
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“A woman and a woman together are beautiful, just as a man and a woman together are beautiful.”
Miley Cyrus
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“What I preach is: People fall in love with people, not gender, not looks, not whatever. What I’m in love with exists on almost a spiritual level.”
Raven-Symoné
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“I realize that just living my truth of what I am, there’s one less person to fight me in my own head.”
Michelle Rodriguez
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“I do realize the importance of having the bravery to live as who you are and I feel like a lot of people don’t have that bravery. Maybe by me opening my big fat mouth like I usually do and stepping up and owning who I am, maybe it might inspire somebody else to do the same.”
Portia de Rossi
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“I’m living by example by continuing on with my career and having a full, rich life, and I am incidentally gay.”
Samira Wiley
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“I want to make sure that any young person or anyone really who is looking up to me—who sees a glimpse of I am as a person—that they see no shame, that they see pride, and that I’m truly unabashed about the person that I am.”
Lena Waithe
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“Being born gay, black and female is not a revolutionary act. Being proud to be a gay, black female is.”
Rachel Maddow
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“The single best thing about coming out of the closet is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you’ve just told them.”
Hunter Schafer
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“It takes a little bit of bravery to step out, to be like, okay, I don’t look like anybody else around here. I am making the conscious decision to present myself the way I want to today.”
Audre Lorde
"I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't."
Ellen DeGeneres
"Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come."
Janet Mock
"Sometimes people try to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power - not because they don't see it, but because they see it and they don't want it to exist."
Robin Roberts
"Being optimistic is like a muscle that gets stronger with use. Makes it easier when the tough times arrive. You have to change the way you think in order to change the way you feel."
Margaret Cho
"Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever."
Lady Gaga
"Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean you're not a winner."
Laverne Cox
"I think trans women, and trans people in general, show everyone that you can define what it means to be a man or woman on your own terms. A lot of what feminism is about is moving outside of roles and moving outside of expectations of who and what you're supposed to be to live a more authentic life."
Sarah Paulson
"To not have any hope is where things start to get really bleak. Things are possible. The impossible can be possible."
Halsey
"So many people are concerned with being the perfect 'something.' Whether it's the perfect singer, the perfect sexy girl, or the perfect feminist. I don't want to be the perfect anything."
Wanda Sykes
"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it."
Lauren Jauregui
"I think that it’s important to remember that intelligence and confidence are two of the most beautiful attributes a person can have. But its very important to also remember that compassion, generosity, and humility are their counterparts, and without them intelligence and confidence simply become arrogance."
Alice Walker
"I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else's whim or to someone else's ignorance."
Beth Brant
"When I use the enemy's language to hold onto my strength as a Mohawk lesbian writer, I use it as my own instrument of power in this long, long battle against racism."
Kehlani
"There's girls that grew up like me and even worse, and they need to know that there is someone out there that can give them hope with my music. It's about inspiring people and helping people."
Jewelle L. Gomez
"For femmes, that evolving feminist thought reacquainted us with something we kind of knew already: men and women might mistake us for “just girls” when they see our makeup and fashions, but we were/are actually guerrilla warriors, fighting undercover in the war to save women from the continuing campaign to make us irrelevant fluff."
Amandla Stenberg
"I'm just someone who cannot fake it. I can only do something with my full heart invested or just not do it at all."
Jane Lynch
"I know it sounds new age-y, but what I've truly come up with is that you really need to trust that you're on your own path, as long as you stay true to it and you show up, which is 99% of it."
Staceyann Chin
"I'm a woman. That means I break hard. And mend like a motherfucker; all sexy and full of heartbreakingly beautiful scars."
This week’s episode of American Horror Story: Delicate slipped in a sharp critique of the drama surrounding Olivia Wilde’s Don’t Worry Darling.
On Wednesday night’s episode of the Rosemary’s Baby-esque season, Emma Roberts’ character Anna is given advice about how to handle the press by her publicist Siobhan (Kim Kardashian) after fainting at an awards show.
“We are going to pull a Wilde card. As in Olivia Wilde,” Siobhan said, referencing the Don’t Worry Darling press tour. “Don’t mention what happened and wait until everyone forgets slash low-key gaslight the people that do ask and make them think that they’re the problem. Because, you know, sexism.”
When Olivia Wilde’s film Don’t Worry Darling premiered at the Venice Film Festival, instead of talking about the movie itself all of the buzz was surrounding a behind-the-scenes controversy. There was a supposed feud between the 39-year-old director and star Florence Pugh stemming from Wilde dating Harry Styles while on the set of Don't Worry Darling.
The controversy got worse when Shia LaBeouf (who was originally cast in Style’s role) released a video Wilde sent him where she was trying to convince him to return to the film, calling Pugh “Miss Flow” and seemingly blaming her for some of the issues.
Wilde faced harsher critiques than male directors who have committed far worse offenses because at its core the controversy stemmed from sexism—much like Kardashian’s character pointed out.
As a result Pugh opted out of doing press for the film and has continued to refuse to answer questions about it since, which is the exact advice Siobhan gives Anna.
This isn’t the only time the 12th season of AHS has taken aim at a controversial pop culture moment. In a clever nod to Kardashian’s Marilyn Monroe dress debacle, Siobhan has Anna wear a dress that belonged to Madonna and advises her, “Do not rip it.”
I don’t know if you've heard but Conservatives are big mad about the Barbie movie. The likes of Ben Shapiro have literally been burning the dolls in protest of the film's “woke” messaging. And Matt Walsh has been in a masculinity tail-spin since its release.
Sigh.
Get a real problem, folks.
Now comic Marc Maron is weighing in and clapping back at the nonsense. He’s not holding back, and it’s so satisfying.
“I saw ‘Barbie’ and it was a f**king masterpiece, and I don’t throw that word around lightly,” the comic and host of the WTF Podcast said on TikTok. “It does a fairly amazing thing to create a sort of broad-based entertainment product that applies to the entire spectrum.“I think primarily of women. And then just steep it in progressive politics and basic feminism in a way that’s funny, informative, and well-executed in a context that is completely engaging. It’s f**king monumental. It shouldn’t be, but it’s pretty radical,” he said. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“The comedy about men is inspired. The fact that certain men took offense to the point where they, you know, tried to build a grift around it in terms of their narrative is right-wing [explicative],” Maron continued. “It’s so embarrassing for them. I mean, so embarrassing for them. Any dude that can’t take those hits in that movie, they’ve really got to look in their pants and decide what they’re made of. I mean, Jesus Christ, what a bunch of f**king insecure babies.”
He closed out the video with praise for the cast and said, “It made me proud somehow.”
Director Greta Gerwig also commented on the absurd backlash last month saying diplomatically that there was, “certainly…a lot of passion.”
“My hope for the movie is that it’s an invitation for everybody to be part of the party and let go of the things that aren’t necessarily serving us as either women or men,” she told The New York Times. “I hope that in all of that passion if they see it or engage with it, it can give them some of the relief that it gave other people.”
Barbie is currently still in theaters and dominating the box office.
