Hormone replacement therapy changed me in places I thought were unchangeable. I thought it would be like remodeling a car. Sure, there'd be new and exciting changes, maybe a bigger muffler, or a new a paint job; I assumed the frame would stay the same. I was definitely wrong. Here are six things that happened when I started testosterone (T). 

1. My emotions shifted

Before I was on testosterone, my feelings were never ending. In fact, even my feelings had feelings. I didn’t think it would change, but I was wrong. My ability to process emotions shifted entirely. From my first shot to my second year on T, everything changed drastically. My desire for things like food, sex, and work intensified. I wanted to fight more and I craved visual stimulation. My emotional scale went from crying over cute kittens to hardly shedding a tear over a friend’s death.

2. My sex life exploded

Before I took testosterone, sex was complicated. I felt super uncomfortable about how people saw me and treated me in bed, which was no fun. Those feelings lingered through all of my relationships until testosterone kicked in. After T, I was able to have sex with different kinds of partners (including gay men) and be much more present. It's great.

3. My body changed

Before I started testosterone, I found body hair on men to be creepy. I was more afraid of masculine presenting men before transitioning (due to my experiences with patriarchy). However, after living as a masculine presenting man, I learned I am a beautiful inside and out.

4. My temper spiked

Since starting testosterone, my ability to calm down has become really challenging. In moments of rage, I feel completely out of control. It’s taken a lot of self care to be able to harness my anger and emotional outbursts.

5. I experience bottom dysphoria

Although I looked and felt more like a man, I suddenly became fixated on my genitalia not aligning with the rest of my body. I hadn’t experienced bottom dysphoria until I lived a year on testosterone. It's an ongoing issue I've learned to manage.

6. Being a dude can be lonely

When I identified as female, women embraced me when I went out, finding friends was easier, and guys hit on me more often. After testosterone, my physical features became more masculine and I had top surgery. I go out now and I’m seen as a threat to both men and women. Some straight cis women and men avoid me, while some gay cis guys hit on me and then become angry when they find out I am trans. I don’t really fit into cis male or female groups, which can be really lonely.

As you can probably see, my decision to start testosterone has affected my life in many ways, but overall the changes have been necessary and positive. 

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