10 Common Stages of a Lesbian Break Up Illustrated by 'Friends'

They say a relationship takes half of the time it lasted to get over, which is impressively factual. But, whatever happened, many ladies who love ladies go through the same stages. 

Stage 1: Denial

She’ll come back, right? It can’t be over. We're just on a break. However you justify it, stage one doesn't involve skipping off in to the sunset, grinning, happy to start singledom. It usually involves weeping in a onesie, staring at her go on and offline on WhatsApp. 

Stage 2: Relapse

You cave and text her, bump in to her and take her home or accept her clearly self-sabotaging suggestion for “just one more night." This rips the wound right open. If you can, skip this step. Although, no woman I’ve ever known skips stage two.

Stage 3: Numbness

Just aching, endless numbness. We’ve all been there.

Stage 4: Stalking

You HAVE to know if she's found anyone else. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, her damn eBay account. If she has an account, you’re stalking it. You need to know everything she’s doing from dating someone new to visiting her parents or selling that gift you gave her. It’s a compulsion.

Stage 4: Anger

That bitch! You’ve heard something about her buying someone a drink or a friend has seen her on Tinder and WTF?! No matter how small, the prospect of her moving on first is excruciating. And you’re fucking livid.

Stage 5: Tequila

Ah, the deflector nectar. When all else fails, grab a bottle of tequila and a handful of your most crazy fun friends and have yourselves a night you’ll want to forget.

Stage 6: Lez Be Friends

You feel ok and then sentimentality kicks in. Surely, you can be friends now a bit of time has passed, right? Wrong. Don’t do it. Yes, queer women have a reputation for being friends with our exes but not too soon. Having to grin painfully at her new girlfriend while a piece of your soul dies inside isn’t healthy.

Stage 7: Blockathon

You do the sensible thing and block her number and from all social media outlets. You make your friends promise to poke you swiftly in the eye if you ever even think about talking to her again.

Stage 8: Time

Time passes. It feels slow, like it’s going to go on forever, and then one day ...

Stage 9: Acceptance

One day — you won’t even realize it happened — you’ll be over her. You’ll stop checking your phone every morning to see if she’s been in touch, you’ll stop having arguments in your head with her while in the shower and then one day, you look around and realize she’s out of your head. Finally.

Stage 10: Moving On

So, you got through all of that pain and heartbreak? Go you! It's time to find someone new and do it all over again.

About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found on Facebook or via Twitter @EJRosetta