I don't understand how some of the ladies (especially in the mid-west and south) thinking that wearing certain articles of clothing make them gay, and they somehow think these things are acceptable.
I am going to rant and rave about fashion in this blog, so I'm going to say this now: I'm sorry if I offend anyone who's reading and wears any of the things I'm about to mention. I don't have any affiliation to the fashion world at all. I'm just a lesbian with a big mouth – if these things really make you happy, then by all means wear them!
Ladies of the states I would never, ever go to: STOP WEARING CARGO SHORTS
Unless of course you actually need them because you're a hiker, you fish or camp... or you feel you need the extra cargo room. Otherwise, ladies, you know you don't have THAT much cargo.
Maybe you're trying to channel you're inner DiCaprio, Titanic did just get re-released, and he was pretty in that movie. (On a completely unrelated side note, doesn't he look more and more like Jack Nicholson every day?)
Anyway, back to CS (Cargo Shorts). See what I did there? Ok, so I have just pointed out some examples where rocking the cargo's are not only expectable, but actually encouraged (we need a few more DiCaprios out there anyway). If this is you, you're off the hook. You might even be allowed to pair them with the ever-popular wife beater... maybe. I'll get to those shortly.
What about the ever-popular camo-cargo? These would normally be ok – it’s just that I can't see you. I would date you, if I knew where you were standing. They just do their job too well (I'm pretty – I never said I was smart).
So, if you really need the extra cargo room – go for it and sport ‘em. Otherwise, ladies I know my wallet would never go in those pockets anyway, cause it's in my back pocket. I'm sure you feel similar, so come on.
What a perfect picture to segue into my next lesbian fashion faux pas: Birkenstocks
Why? Although, I will admit that these days some of them are starting to look a little cuter. I've seen some silver ones that my sister owns, and I must say they are fabulous (my sister has the best fashion I've ever seen). So, if those are the ones you're wearing, excuse yourself politely from this conversation.
I know it's summer ladies, but can't we just rock some nice Havanas or cute Sperry's with no socks? I mean, do your feet really sweat that much? Scratch that… I'm pretty sure mine do.
Up next: wife beater tank tops
More on next page...
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(continued)
Let the wife beaters go. Just let them go. No one looks good in a plain white ribbed tank top. No one.
I remember Gwen Stefani used to wear her own version of the lesbian wife beater back in the Tragic Kingdom days. I know this because I had an unhealthy obsession with No Doubt, and even she didn't look that good in them. God, I weirdly am still so in love with that woman and creepily want to dress like her children.
You and I both know she doesn't look good, although if Gwen asked me to wear this, cargo shorts and Birkenstocks with socks, I would (and I DO NOT camp or fish).
Lesbians, listen...very carefully. Are you listening?
SEX. Now are you paying attention?
MEGAN FOX NAKED.
Ok, now I know you're paying attention – this one is important: chain wallets
Seriously. I'm confused. Really, I am. Do you think that someone is going to steal the wallet from the back pocket I know you keep it in and you'll have it carefully attached to your belt loop in the front, so they won't succeed at taking it? What is the practical use for a chain wallet? Someone explain it to me again - I'm sure I'm missing something. Because I got the pretty gene in life there is a lot I just don't get.
Just one last side note: Ladies, a collar should never, ever be popped.
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