Wouldn’t classic movies like A League of Their Own, Dangerous Liaisons and Thelma and Louise have been infinitely more satisfying if there were just one lesbian character among them? Using our post from earlier this year, 10 TV Shows We Can’t Believe Don’t Have Gay Characters, as a springboard, we’ve reimagined 15 now classic movies using Gina Gershon’s super-smoldering Corky from Bound as the gold standard of cinema's lesbian characters.
Thelma and Louise (1991)
Just imagine if Corky had been hitchhiking in the desert when Thelma and Louise pulled up. Rather than picking up Brad Pitt’s drifter thief, Thelma (Geena Davis) could have had a wild night in her hotel room with Corky followed by tequila shooters and mechanical bull rides at the famed lesbian bar Sue Ellen’s in Dallas. SPOILER ALERT – Thelma and Louise never would have driven into the abyss of the Grand Canyon if Corky were at the wheel.
Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)
Many will argue that Fried Green Tomatoes’ Idgie and Ruth were lesbians. And yes, in the Fannie Flagg novel they were longtime lovers and partners. But the 1991 movie went out of its way to gloss over their intimate relationship in a way that left many not-so discerning moviegoers of the time thinking they’d just seen a good ole female buddy flick. Mary Stuart Masterson (Idgie) has said on Inside the Actors Studio that she and Mary Louise Parker (Ruth) absolutely discussed their characters’ backstory and that they were indeed lovers. Still, we thought Corky would have made one hell of a hot butch chef serving up BBQ with secret sauce at the Whistle Stop Cafe.
The Sound of Music (1965)
The hills would have been so much more alive if Corky had been there playing a lesbian ex-nun who helps the Von Trapps escape. Something tells us Liesl would have had a school girl crush on her, and can you imagine Corky spearheading a big production number of “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?”
Norma Rae (1979)
Every good activist movie needs a lesbian, and Norma Rae, while an enduring classic, missed the boat on that one. Here’s Corky showing Sally Field’s Norma some support as Norma attempts to organize a union.
A League of Their Own (1992)
Are you telling us there wasn’t one lesbian on the Rockford Peaches? Sure, Penny Marshall’s near-perfect women’s baseball flick took place in the 40s, but it would have been so much more compelling had Corky had played short stop on the opposing team The Racine Belles. She and Madonna’s “All The Way” Mae might have had a little tryst following a romp at a roadside honky-tonk.
Dangerous Liaisons (1988)
With all of the elicit sex flying through the halls of Glenn Close’s conniving Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil villa, she didn’t engage in one Sapphic affair? Sure, Cruel Intentions, the source material's teen knock-off featured Sarah Michelle Gellar’s incarnation of the character teaching Selma Blair’s virginal Cecile how to kiss, but Dangerous Liaisons would have been so much better with a dandy-fied Corky getting into Close’s corset.
Sister Act (1992)
Just imagine if Corky, a shady figure from Whoopi’s Deloris Van Cartier’s Vegas past turned up at the convent to blackmail her, but instead fell for shy Sister Mary Robert (Wendy Makkena), who renounced her vows to run back to Vegas with Corky. Yeah, we have too much time on our hands.
The Witches of Eastwick (1987)
Only in Hollywood, does a drooling, disgusting pig of a devil (played by Jack Nicholson) bed three different female archetypes (played by Susan Sarandon, Cher and Michelle Pfeiffer). Just think how much more believable the whole witch premise would have been if Corky had shown up to fix a leak for Pfeiffer’s Sukie!
Miss Congeniality (2000)
You can’t tell us that with 52 contestants there isn’t a lesbian in the bunch! One of Miss Congeniality’s pageant ladies, or possibly Sandra Bullock’s undercover FBI agent Gracie Hart, surely would have fallen for Corky, as a smoldering set builder for the Miss United States pageant.
The Women (1939)
If only George Cukor’s ultra-classic The Women, based on Clare Boothe Luce’s play, costarred Corky as a modern woman in a ‘30s wide-legged pant suit, those sniping characters played by Joan Crawford, Rosalind Russell and Norma Shearer could have turned their attention to her and not skewering each other after getting their quickie Reno divorces.
The Craft (1996)
Every classic mean girl/witch story needs a lesbian character, and The Craft really could have used Corky to infiltrate the Coven of nascent witches -- played by Robin Tunney, Rachel True, Neve Campbell and Fairuza Balk – and teach them how to really cast a spell.
Charlie's Angels (2000)
We loved the popcorn fluff of the first Charlie’s Angel’s movie, but would it have really messed with the formula so much if they’d added a fourth angel and made her a slick lesbian who goes undercover in a women’s prison with Lucy Liu’s Alex?
Steel Magnolias (1989)
Sure, Olympia Dukakis’ Clairee mentions her gay nephew in Steel Magnolias, but would it have been too much to ask for Truvy’s –Dolly Parton--lesbian niece Corky to turn up at the hair salon to teach the ladies a thing or two about rainbow flags, pink triangles and just what it means to sport a labrys tattoo?
Titanic (1997)
There is urban legend that Corky was actually on Titanic in the room while Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) drew Rose (Kate Winslet) “like one of his French girls.” It’s too bad Corky’s rendering, which was a lot more Georgia O’Keefe-like, ended up on the cutting room floor.
Now and Then (1995)
Now and Then’s writer I. Marlene King has given us such lovely lesbian characters in Pretty Little Liars' Paige and Emily. Would it have been so bad if Christina Ricci’s Roberta had grown up and fallen for a Corky type? She did grow up to be Rosie O’Donnell after all.
Like Us on Facebook
Follow Us on Twitter
