For the past eight weeks I’ve tried to lovingly skewer, impugn and lambaste the antics of The Real L Word gals while simultaneously growing quite fond of those “lovable lezzies of Weho and beyond.” This week we bade farewell to the gals who’ll now go forth into the world and live their lives without the eyes of adoring / disapproving fans watching their every move. It sort of feels like pushing about a dozen tattooed, pierced baby birds with varying abilities to fend for themselves out of the nest.
While it’s sad for both lovers and haters of The Real L Word – I mean, where else will the haters direct their ire? - they did go out with a mini bang that was mostly thanks to Whitney getting it on in the shower with one of her many lady friends.
Before we get to the recap allow me to offer a massive kudos to the cast for garnering an accolade in the form of a Tweet from one Ms. Lea Michelle.
Now that’s the kind of Tweet that has me envisioning Lea, Naya Rivera, Amber Riley and Heather Morris entrenched in a slumber party in Lea’s living room, guzzling organic wine painting each others’ toenails and quizzing each other about which Real L Word cast member they’d hook up with if they were gay.
On to the recap of season 2’s finale – an episode that lacked the full-on fuckery of previous episodes and pretty much just sewed everything up in a nice little package.
We open with a montage of the lesbian getting-ready-to-go-out ritual beginning with popping the vinyl – as in retro vinyl record, not an outfit - on the turntable, shaving the legs, clasping the leather bracelet, blow drying the short hair, you know the drill...
Next we get a voice-over of Romi chatting about her tête-à-tête with one Ms. Lady Killer Whitney Mixter at the end of last week’s episode. In a kind of crazy schadenfreude sort of, nostalgic way I was hoping The Real L Word producers would opt for a reboot of Romi and Whitney’s soft-core strap-on scene from the end of last season but the producers kept what we saw of the new tryst to a bare minimum. While Romi says she and Whit have plenty in common and that ever-important “connection” Whit’s always rambling on about, Romi adds that she’s in a good place and that getting back with Whit for anything more than a one-off would not be a move in the right direction.
Let’s not also forget Kelsey’s side of Romi’s bed was still warm when Romi and Whitney hooked up last week. Of course, the story is told on RLW producer time, so there could have been weeks between the Romi / Kelsey break-up and the Whit hook-up. But that wouldn’t make for optimal drama now would it?
Cut to Whit saying in a voice-over, “Hooking up with Romi was a bad idea. It just wasn’t right.” Whit does little to expound on which part of hooking up with Romi wasn’t right but it’s okay because she’s already on to her new hook-up with an ex hook-up. What is it with Whitney? Is she getting too lazy to go out and find new ladies? She just keeps rotating through a repository of women.
Anyway, Whit’s en route to LAX – remember, it’s a rule that the RLW can not go more than a week without one, or multiple trips to the airport, because it is after all the most interesting landmark in LA. In pure Whit form she has invited Jaq, her lady in port in San Francisco, down to help with her butch / femme field day for a cause, Pants and Pumps.
Sounding as though she’s been chain-smoking Lucky Strikes while on a three-day bender Whit says of her visit with Jaq, “I really want it to be drama free.” At this point I’m convinced the RLW segment producers are just holding up cue cards for Whit as she repeats the “drama-free” line sans emotion or any attempt at a convincing inflection
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Moving on to Francine, who just happens to be picking her mother up from the airport… That’s right! We get a double dose of LAX out of the gate this week. By this point in the season and considering the sheer volume of trips to that gateway to Lala Land – Los Angeles International Airport – I’m convinced that someone on the Ilene Chaiken and the gang team has an airport fetish. Is it the TSA pat downs? The bathroom stall foot tapping? The rude-ass attendants at the gates? The loss of luggage? Who can say…
But back to Francine – if you’re keeping up with the show or pay slight attention to this mess of a weekly recap that I write you may recall that Francine intends to come out to her mom, Yoko, a lovely woman whom we discover was an actress in Japan in the 60’s. At Yoko’s hotel Francine hits the pool / lounge area for a little liquid lubrication before attempting to drop the bomb on her mom. From the looks of the drinks Francine pounds to loosen up her mother could wind up finding Francine’s early-in-the-day booze breath more disconcerting than her sexual orientation. Despite the cocktails Francine’s unable to muster the courage to come out and saves it for another day.
Next up, Rachel, another of Whit’s exes who has gravitated to LA, is off to see a therapist about her chronic depression and low self worth. This is absolutely a good thing and there’s nothing even remotely sarcastic I can say about it. Brava to Rachel for taking the step to feel better.
Over at casa de Cori and Kacy they’re playing with the "Inseminator" Whitney and her roomie Alyssa – the RLW voice of reason – fashioned for them to make getting pregnant a little less de rigueur. The gals are having a hell of a good time playing with the dildo and squirting something out of it all over their apartment. It’s good to see them enjoying themselves rather than stressing over ovulation charts etc… If it took a big dildo to help them loosen up then more power to Whit and Alyssa.
Following an intense day of getting dirty while building props for Whit’s Pants and Pumps event Whit and Jaq decide to do the anti-LA thing and go environmental by sharing a shower. Of course conserving water has absolutely nothing to do with them hopping in the shower together but a little environmentalism thrown in the mix could have been nice. As we’ve seen in prior episodes / seasons Whit is big on shower sex and she looks pretty good doing it, so why not end the season with a little bit of a bang while getting wet? With Whit’s and Jaq’s combined ink the scene does sort of resemble a teaser trailer for a new LA Ink reality show airing solely on Skinemax.
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Moving on to Sajdah and she’s meeting her ex love of her life Chanel at The Border Grill downtown. In no uncertain terms Saj says in voice-over, “I want her back.” And just like that Chanel appears as a vision in purple descending the escalator, which looks not wholly unlike Glinda’s glorious descent into Oz in her pink bubble.
The pair has yet to even order their meal or get the complimentary tortilla chips and salsa dropped at the table before Saj blurts, “ I miss you,” and forges on saying she wants Chanel back. That’s one thing with Saj. She’s not into the games or holding back. A girl knows where she stands with Saj.
Like her charming suitor Chanel can't hold back either. She admits she’s a goner for Saj. “I really wanna play hard to get but I’m not good at it,” Chanel says. WHAT??? What happened to the Real L Word? Where’s the game playing? The bullshit? The I’m too insecure so I’m going to hold my cards close to my chest and make you guess what I’m thinking? It is just so disappointing when these girls act like adults.
“Be my girlfriend all over again?” Saj asks, and Chanel agrees of course. How could a girl say no to that?
Meanwhile Cori and Kacy are purchasing lilies for a fertility ritual. More on this later…
Back to Francine and her mom… Francine is now at her house gearing up to rip off the Band Aid – as it were. Attempting to loosen things up a bit Francine offers mom some hot sake but to Francine’s chagrin mom’s not up for the good stuff today. To Francine’s credit she just sits down and tells her mom she’s gay and has been dating girls for several years. Poor Francine isn’t sure how to read her mom but mom allays Fran's fears saying she loves her and she’s not ashamed that Francine’s a big old lez – my words, not hers.
Mom’s words of advice to Francine are basically to hold her head up high. Although she does admit she never liked Francine’s ex, fellow RLW cast member Claire. “I don’t approve of girls like her who bring you down,” mom says, and truer words were never spoken.
Congrats to Francine and her mom for crossing this bridge, but there is still the how to tell daddy factor to overcome. That’s for another day – or another season depending on how the numbers pan out this year.
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Cori and Kacy are now at the beach with the lilies and a handful of friends who will be their baby’s “future aunts and uncles.” Kacy asks the universe and the baby-making gods to “please get a soul into Cori’s uterus.” They have a moment of silence and then take turns tossing energy and lilies into the ocean. The pragmatic New Englander in me who will likely die alone wallowing in cynicism has a tough time understanding these touchy / feely situations, but here’s hoping the universe gives them what they want!
Next up we cut to Claire for the first time this episode and she’s out to dinner with Vivian, the girlfriend she left behind in NY to pursue the possibilities of being with her ex Francine.
“I’m not leaving here as her girlfriend,” Viv says, letting on that she’s pretty much given Claire the old heave-a-ho – I mean heave-ho. It’s all very civilized though and Claire just asks that Viv not blab about it if she hooks up with someone back in NYC. Fair enough.
Later, part of the gang heads out to Here Lounge at Truckstop where Whit and Jaq run into Sara and Erica, the girl Sara was seeing behind Whit’s back. Whitney says it’s tough to see Sara out with someone else, although she does witness Sara and Erica taking a drunken tumble right in front of the Abbey where Jamie Pressley purportedly peed one Sunday afternoon. If that doesn’t cure Whit of her Sara buzz I’m sure nothing will.
Pants and Pumps day has arrived and the gals are all heading to a house Whit rented so that all of the ex girlfriends, ex hook-ups, ex tricks, ex roomies and so on can be awkwardly in competition in the same place. It’s the first time we’ve seen Romi’s ex Kelsey, and she looks like the ultimate hipster on her fixie bike. She also looks uncannily like an adorable boyish Ms. Emily Blunt, which one reasaon I've developed a bit of a soft spot for Kelsey.
Emily Blunt in 'My Summer of Love.'
She also gets props for delivering what is arguably the most mischievous line of the season, one that could be the lesbian mantra. Regarding her booze battles with Romi this season Kelsey bares a sheepish grin and says, “Sometimes a girl just wants a drink.”
Last season Whitney devised a disgusting creamed corn wrestling ring and this year she’s mixed it up and gone with chocolate sauce. Either way, the girl has a penchant for enticing hot women to roll around half nude in disgusting shit. It’s a talent.
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A wrestling match between Whit’s friend Scarlett and some girl named Ellie gets old married couple Cori and Kacy so horny that they steal off to fuck in the bushes outside the rented house. I keep waiting for the neighborhood patrol to turn up but they just finish their business and head back to the party. “I feel like I should have been the pants,” Cori says after her toss in the bushes with her wife.
Pants and Pumps day goes off without a hitch save for Claire bashing Francine’s new gf Kristianne but that was to be expected.
While I thought the season would end with one big chocolate sauce RLW bikini pig pile we move on to sew up the season in neat little snippets.
First up, Romi and her business partner Vanessa wow Love and Pride jewlery’s Udi Behr and he agrees to work with them on their line Hija. And congratulations are in order to Romi for laying off the sauce and kickstarting a business this season.
Taking a more relaxed approach to the insemination process Cori and Kacy forgo using the “inseminator” and head to the OB/GYN for another shot at baby making. Fingers crossed that this one takes for them.
Chanel is off on her yearly trip to Jamaica with Saj in tow. And in case you were concerned that you wouldn’t get another glimpse of LAX until next season, the producers do not disappoint. We get a shot of Saj and Chanel walking off into the LAX security sunset together.
Finally, Whitney “I don’t want any drama” Mixter is having a heart-to-heart with her ex Sara, the one who fell on her ass in front of the Abbey just a few nights before. Whitney has apparently sent Jaq packing back to San Francisco so she can profess her everlasting love to Sara. It all boils down to Whit having that irreplaceable “connection” with Sara and the two profess their love. They follow up their “I love yous” with an affectionate chorus of “you’re such an asshole.” It’s the RLW romantic equivalent of Casablanca’s “We’ll always have Paris.”
And with that sentiment the sun sets on another season of madcap lesbian love and life as envisioned by The Magical Elves.
