Here are the reasons 'straight' men hook up with guys
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Listen, we’ve probably all had at least one sexual experience where we’ve hooked up with a self-identified “straight” man. Not a great habit to get into, but sometimes you don’t know that they identify as straight or they're just really hot, so you overlook it. It’s understandable! These men have their reasons, from being closeted to curious to unknowingly bisexual.
“While I do not have the exact numbers and they can be difficult to determine due to underreporting, stigma, cultural variables, and target population, I would strongly suggest it is a notable percent of men who identify as heterosexual has had at least one same sex encounter at some point in their life,” Dr. Alfonso Ferguson, a mental health counselor specializing in helping LGBTQ+ and BIPOC clients explore their sexuality, identity labels, and sexual behavior, tells PRIDE.
But to get to the bottom of why “straight” men hook up with other guys, we reached out to LGBTQ+ sex and relationship experts to break it all down for us and explain this odd, but not uncommon, type of hookup.
1. They're in the closet
So let’s start with the most likely and obvious explanation that I was touching on in the introduction. These men are actually closeted gay or bisexual, but are too afraid of queer labels, and aren’t ready to admit to themselves or others that they actually aren’t straight.
"You can chalk that up to societal stigma," explains Rick Snyderman, a licensed professional counselor and certified sexual addiction therapist at The Center for Growth. Many people rightfully fear being shunned in today's political climate, while others are in denial and "haven't accepted that that's really what they want and they can't envison" that they're queer because of "societal or even familial pressures," he says.
2. Because it's fun
I mean, gay men are all over this secret. We know that having sex with other men is incredible. Outside of it feeling good, or reaffirming your masculinity, or being dared, or anything else, the truth is, it’s just fun to have sex with other men. Straight men simply have the desire to see what all the fuss is about — and not all of them stay straight once they’ve had a taste.
“I think the newer generation is much more liberatory in their thinking and behaviors. So, they are more inclined to explore their sexuality. For them, pleasure is a valid motivator, independent of orientation,” Dr. Ferguson says.
3. If it's oral, it doesn't count
“I remember growing up and overhearing my adult siblings and family friend talking, and the family friend (Cis-het male) said, ‘As long as another man is not penetrating me, then I do not consider myself gay,’” Dr. Ferguson reveals. “It is possible that many grew up with a similar narrative on same sex sexual behaviors and have used this to rationalize and reconcile behavior with a heterosexual identity.”
Not every sexual encounter needs to end in penetration, believe it or not. Sometimes, straight men mask the “hook up” and dismiss it as such if there’s only oral contact — and especially if they, themselves, just sit back and enjoy. Semantics come into play here, and the mentality is similar to that of butt sex “not counting” for straight couples.
4. Under the influence
Sometimes sobriety is also a factor in the reasons why straight men hook up with gay men. We all know what it’s like to have one too many drinks and wake up with someone we wouldn’t have otherwise engaged with.
Snyderman says that certain drugs, like crystal meth, can "mimic an orgasm" and "increase sexual stamina," which can contribute to "straight" men sleeping with guys while under the influence. He also explains that drugs and alcohol "dampen inhibitions," so men who are in denial about being attracted to other men may feel comfortable acting on those feelings after drinking too much or taking illegal substances.
5. It reaffirms their straightness
In Jane Ward’s Not Gay: Sex Between Straight, White Men, she explores an irony deeply rooted in same-sex sexual encounters among “straight” men. She claims that a straight man having sex with other men "reaffirms their straightness" by showing that they’re comfortable with their straight sexuality, enough so to sleep with other men.
"Some men see experimentation as 'safe' proof of confidence in their heterosexual identity," Dr. Ferguson agrees.
6. It's not considered gay unless you bottom
In some Latin American cultures, you're not considered gay if you’re the dom/top/receive oral (activo). You’re only gay if you’re a more feminized man who bottoms or gives blowjobs (passivo).
According to Dr. Ferguson, this “notion reflects gendered myths equating sexual position with orientation or masculinity,” and also contributes to men being on the down low (DL) because it reinforces heteronormativity within the queer community.
7. Drag queen sex
I know of a few fishy queens (someone who can pass as female when in drag) who sleep with straight guys, like all the damn time. It’s pretty ridiculous. Now, these queens identify as gay men (not trans women), but because they look feminine (and gorgeous) in drag, many “straight” men sleep with them.
"If they are dressed like a woman, they can convince themselves they're being with a woman even though they have a penis," Synderman says, explaining that for some people, sleeping with drag queens is also a fetish or kink.
8. They can’t differentiate between emotional and physical intimacy
Many straight men are desperate for deep, emotional connections with other men. They’ve been socialized to believe that they don’t need meaningful male connections, or that if they do desire deep connections with other men they’re gay or feminine. So when they have a deep, emotional connection with another man, they can get confused by it, thinking that they, themselves, must be gay. This can lead to sex between two friends, but the truth of the matter is, they’re not physically attracted to each other; they’re just confused by their emotional intimacy with another man but because we live in a society where emotional intimacy between two straight men is so rare. Because of this, their relationship evolves into sex, when it really shouldn’t have. They actually are straight and platonic friends.
9. Cultural or religious restrictions on heterosexual relationships
Some religions and cultures prohibit sexual contact between men and women prior to marriage, so that gay sex can feel like a loophole. "In some cultures, heterosexual contact before marriage is heavily restricted, making same-sex encounters a discreet outlet," Dr. Ferguson says.
10. Curiosity
Curiosity not only kills the cat, but it’s what gets self-identified “straight” men to sleep with other men. Simply put, they want to know what all the fuss is about, even though they’re not physically or emotionally attracted to other men. They’re also comfortable enough in their straightness to know that if they explore sexually with another man once, and realize they’re not super into it, they’re not gay or bi.
“I find that most people are curious about same sex experience but not everyone has the opportunity to act on their curiosity,” Dr. Ferguson says.
11. Situational circumstances
In places where women are scarce, there are many “straight” men who sleep with other men. This includes at men’s boarding schools, the military, and, of course, prison. (Although in prison, it can often be non-consensual and an act of violence, power, and dominance.)
“While I do not have the exact numbers and they can be difficult to determine due to underreporting, stigma, cultural variables, and target population, I would strongly suggest it is a notable percent of men who identify as heterosexual has had at least one same sex encounter at some point in their life,” Dr. Ferguson claims. “This could be especially true for men who exist in male-dominated spaces such as being in the military, prisons, sports teams, or situations that offer anonymity. It is important to note that sexual behaviors do not always align with sexual orientation.”
12. It’s like a fetish
Having a same-sex sexual encounter is considered taboo, gross, or deviant by so many people in the world. Because of this, having same-sex relationships can almost seem like a fetish to “straight” men who like doing deviant sexual things in bed. It’s an extreme fetish, no doubt, by the psychological reasons for “straight” men sleeping with another man could be viewed as similar to the fetish of tying someone up and peeing on them. Both are viewed by the “straight” guy as deviant and transgressive by heteronormative society.
Dr. Ferguson confirms that and says that this kind of sex is usually “linked to fantasy or specific arousal triggers rather than ongoing attraction.”
13. They're physically attracted to men, but not emotionally
Many men are physically attracted to men, but not emotionally attracted. While this could be due to internalized homophobia/biphobia (meaning that they actually are both physically and emotionally attracted to other men, but they just can’t admit it to themselves), this isn’t always the case. We know that physical and emotional attraction, while related, are actually two distinct entities. Even though these men are bisexual, because of their physical attraction to other men, they still view themselves as straight because they’re not emotionally attracted to other men or looking to date another guy.
14. It reaffirms their masculinity
Again, in Jane Ward’s book, she shows that in “grinning and taking it” you (as a straight man) are reaffirming your manhood and masculinity. You’re proving you can overcome the physical pain of anal penetration and the “grossness” of orally servicing another man.
"I would think that they're feeling a bunch of shame and self-disgust over their attraction," Snyderman says of men who claim this is why they are sleeping with guys. "I don't know if that really empowers masculinity."
15. Opportunity
This is a fact of life: It is very easy to have a casual, no-strings-attached, same-sex hookup. Hookup apps make it ridiculously simple, but if you, as a straight man, have too much guilt going online, you can always go to the sauna at any YMCA or a gay bathhouse. If you are a “straight” man who wants to ejaculate ASAP, it’s easier to find a man (than a woman) who will service you right away.
"Sometimes it’s simply about timing, willingness, and consent," Dr. Ferguson says.
Synderman agrees, "If you're only surrounded by men for a long period of time, there may be an interest, but that doesn't mean that you're inherently gay."
16. It feels good
Having sex with a man feels damn good. We know what we’re doing. We’re active bottoms, and since we have a penis, we know our way around one. We know what feels good and how to orally service another guy like a pornstar. Dr. Ferguson agrees, saying that sometimes, "pleasure can be the only motivator."
17. It reaffirms your power and whiteness
So this is for white men who engage in sex with other white men. In Jane Ward’s Not Gay: Sex Between Straight, White Men, she discusses how masculinity and whiteness are intertwined, and then leveraged to authenticate mens' “straightness” by having sex with other men.
18. Sexual fluidity
"I am an avid believer that sexuality can shift across time and context," Dr. Ferguson explains. Sexuality is fluid for so many men. For some in particular, it’s always in flux. It’s constantly evolving and growing as you mature. Because of this, there are men who may have points in their lives where they are more sexually attracted to other men, but at other times, they don’t find it appealing. However, they still identify themselves as straight.
19. They go gay for pay
According to Dr. Ferguson, some men are "motivated by economic need or opportunity, not necessarily attraction," when they decide to sleep with another man. Times are tough, and we all, regardless of sexuality, need to pay rent and eat. These G4P boys know this and don’t mind having some same-sex encounters as long as they get some dough for it.
20. They like attention
Gay men are flatterers. We whisper sweet nothings. We say how attractive you are, and we say it to all men, regardless of sexual orientation. Some straight men love the compliments, love the attention, and love the feeling of being wanted so badly that they hook up with other guys even though they’re not necessarily attracted emotionally or physically to other men.
"Validation or erotic attention from men can be enjoyable regardless of identity," Dr. Ferguson confirms.
Sources cited:
Dr. Alfonso Ferguson, a mental health counselor specializing in helping LGBTQ+ and BIPOC clients explore their sexuality, identity labels, and sexual behavior.
Rick Snyderman, a licensed professional counselor and certified sexual addiction therapist at The Center for Growth.
