Dream no more, ladies!There are a bunch of movies heading your way this summer that are just what you have been waiting for all of these years!Okay, in all fairness, the movies below aren’t actually physically being released, but there are some great ideas if anyone wants to take off and run with them.Just please check with me before casting the lesbian Oompa Loompas with tool belts, okay?
1. Thelma & Louise: The Sequel
Come on, if the Chipmunks can come out with a sequel, why can’t we do one better and throw Thelma & Louise a “welcome home” party complete with dental dams and inflatable life-size dolls?In the original film, Thelma and Louise had nothing but male issues with their counterparts.Well, in this new installment, we find out that Thelma and Louise did in fact survive the torpedo-landing into the Grand Canyon and arose….lesbians!Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis seem to be available nowadays so I reckon they’d participate if asked.
2. Poison Ivy: The Itch You Just Can’t Scratch
Sara Gilbert, Drew Barrymore, Cheryl Ladd and Alyssa Milano have all starred in different versions of Poison Ivy so we thought it might be a cool idea to have newer “It Girl” prototypes in the controversial roles that made the aforementioned ladies into famous lesbian eye candy.How about – Ellen Page, Amanda Seyfried and Dakota Fanning?
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
3. The L Word: Alternate Universe
Lost has proven with its series finale that the American people will basically believe anything that is put in front of them – including alternate universe plots and storylines. In The L Word: Alternate Universe we encounter a time and place where Jenny Schecter never actually existed. That would also mean that the ending was actually not finding a dead Jenny, but finding out that Bette and Tina never actually broke up in the first place and had five kids!Shane stayed with Carmen and Dana never got cancer.
4. Queer As Folk: The Musical
The film washes in with Emmett and his jazz hands performing alongside Harvey Fierstein on a Broadway stage in New York City.As the lens pans across the audience, we see that Michael, Brian and Justin are sitting in the front row, center. Happy to all be together again in the City That Never Sleeps, they take the show on the road after curtain call where they meet up with Lindsay and Melanie at Cubbyhole near Christopher Street in the West Village. Spontaneous musical outbursts ensue as Debbie dances across the stage to mount a stripper pole – red wig and all.
5. Handsome Woman
Julia Roberts had an awful lot of fun shopping and taking bubble baths in Pretty Woman, but the chestnut-haired wonder shouldn’t be the only one to be able to enjoy her time in such cinematic masterpieces. In Handsome Woman, we zoom into the window of Brooks Brothers where we catch a glimpse of Hilary Swank sporting her Boys Don’t Cry close crop and shopping for tailored suits latest fashions while on her iPhone making plans for a night out at Jetsetter to pick up girls with close friend Chloë Sevigny ala If These Walls Could Talk 2.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
6. Willy Wonka & the Lesbian Factory
We all loved this film when we were younger.There were free-flowing chocolate fountains, edible candy lands, ever-lasting gobstoppers coming out of a rickety old machine that made weird noises and a really freaky boat ride with Gene Wilder scaring the crap out of you.Hold on, that wasn’t what I meant to illustrate.Let’s try this again: There were chocolate bars with shiny golden tickets and the walls tasted like different kinds of “snozzeberries”.Now, imagine the Oompa Loompas as little tiny lesbians with tool belts.Welcome to the next installment in the world of Tim Burton: Willy Wonka & the Lesbian Factory. (I’d continue, but it just keeps getting weirder)…
7. The Ex-Girlfriends Club
Since we can’t legally get married consistently in the United States, we can’t really call the movie The First Wives’ Club so we’ll refer to it in this little diddy as The Ex-Girlfriends Club. Lord knows we can all relate to that topic of conversation!Art imitates life as break-up storylines and cheating scandals unfold in this four-hour biopic starring Jodie Foster.
8. Juliet & Juliet
Who needs Romeo this day in age?Juliet & Juliet flaunts the “sisters are doing it for themselves” theme and takes no prisoners.Both Juliet-types would be played by twin versions of Nicole Scherzinger.If Lindsay Lohan could do it in The Parent Trap, there’s no reason Nicole couldn’t do it now.
More on next page...
\\\
(continued)
9. Twin Peaks: It’s Nippy Outside
This one is for the skin-obsessed lesbians out there!Beyonce finishes what she started with Lady Gaga in the “Telephone” video by throwing the pasty (I mean, pastry) out the window and going right in for the kill.Sara Lee be damned!In Twin Peaks: It’s Nippy Outside we finally see for ourselves if those rumors about Lady Gaga’s extremities are true.
10. Dancing at the Bars
We’ve already got Dancing with the Stars making headlines across the globe for the finale and now with Dancing at the Bars we’ll have all of our LGBTQ bases covered.An impromptu appearance by Samantha Ronson spinning tunes while a glass is thrown at the back of her head sparks controversy while lines of coke are being prepared at Chateau Marmont for a certain SCRAM anklet inhabitant.
Get more from Sarah here!
Follow SheWired on Twitter!
Follow SheWired on Facebook!
Be SheWired's Friend on MySpace!
