7 Relationship Tips for Men with Commitment Issues

7 Relationship Tips for Men with Commitment Issues

Some guys aren’t made for long-term, monogamous relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There is, however, a difference between not wanting a serious relationship because that type of lifestyle doesn’t appeal, and not wanting a serious relationship because you fear commitment.

If you fear commitment, it’s time you got over it. So here are 7 tips to help you get over your commitment issues...

1. Identify if it’s commitment or something else

Many guys use the term "commitment" loosely. Is it commitment you fear, or was there actually something about the guy you didn’t like? Something that didn’t mesh with you? If you and the guy didn’t work for some reason, don’t blame it on commitment issues, figure out what it was that didn’t work, and use what you learned when you date the next guy.

2. Get everything out of your system

You’ll never be able to commit if you have severe FOMO or if you idolize the life of your uncommitted friends. If you find yourself yearning for single life, go do it. Get everything out of your system. Sex. Drugs. Partying. Grindr-ing. Enjoy your personal space, the ability to do what you want when you want, and the freedoms that come from being uncommitted. Do it now. Do it guilt free. One day, on your own will, you may wake up thinking, "Eh, I kind of wish someone I cared for was lying next to me." When you have that thought, then try being in a committed relationship. Until then, don’t waste your time.

3. Understand that "committed" does not mean "forever"

"Committed" has nothing to do with "forever." Committed has to do with what you are doing right now, and what you want to be doing right now. The concept of eternity is terrifying, whether it comes to dating or literally anything else. But here’s what I’ve realized over my years of dating monogamously and polyamorously: if, at the present time, all I want is to be with my partner, then that’s what I’ll do. And second, I have no idea what will happen in the future. Maybe we’ll open up our relationship. Maybe we’ll find a third. But right now, if what I want is to be with a single person, without anyone else, then that’s what we’ll do. There’s no reason to think about the future (in this context).

4. Acknowledge that there is no perfect relationship and that relationships take a lot of work

There will be problems. Lots of them. Insane numbers of them. They will be big. They will be small. There will be small ones that you turn into big ones. (That’s my specialty.) There will be times where it seems like there are only problems. These rough times pass, and what prevails? Having someone who cares for you by your side. When times get tough, ask yourself, "Would a relationship with someone else be easier?" If you genuinely believe yes, then get out of the relationship. But if these are issues that will happen with the next person, (which is often the case with fear of commitment) then get ready to look inward and work on your own personal issues.  

5. Be open about your fears with him

There’s nothing wrong with saying to the man you’re dating that you have commitment issues. That to you, the idea of being in a monogamous relationship is terrifying. He’s going to find out sooner than later. Odds are you’ll need some help from him to get over your fears, so it’s important that you two are on the same page. Let him help you by giving him insight into what you’re struggling with.  

6. Seek non-sexual forms of validation

As gay/bi men, we often seek validation from other men via sex, flirting, or being told we’re attractive. This isn’t real validation. These are superficial self-esteem boosts. When you’re monogamous/committed, you’re going to seek validation not from sex or interactions with hot strangers, but rather from people you actually care for (including your man) and for meaningful things that you do (not simply how many men you can shag).

7. Commit

There are only two real risks of trying. One: getting your heart broken. Two: breaking the heart of someone you care for. Both are awful. Both are part of living. Both you'll move on from.